Frontwards

By the time I opened the door with a heavy sigh, Kate had bitten all of her fingernails right down to the skin.

“Oh my god,” she breathed, pulling me immediately into a rib-bruising hug and rocking me from one foot to the other. “Oh my god I’m so glad you’re okay. Are you okay? Oh my god.”

I peeled her off of me and held her hands. “I’m fine, Kate. Chill out.”

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “You’re right. I need to chill out.” She then exhaled for a very long time. I thought she would deflate. But not quite so.

“It’s all being taken care of,” I smiled weakly, wriggling out of my shoes and heading over to my bed. “Frank’s coming to pick me up in the morning. I’ll be living with him and the guys for a while until I can find something more suitable.”

“And then what?” she asked gently, crawling underneath the covers of her bed and blinking over at me with those big eyes of hers.

I sighed. “Then... I don’t know. I guess we’ll just wait and see.”

She nodded into her pillow and reached for the light. “Goodnight, Dizbob,” she said.

I smiled and placed my glasses on the nightstand. “Night, Katface.”

But of course I hardly slept.



Thursday, January 12th, 2006

“Good morning, sunshine.”

I gave Frank the dirtiest look I could possibly conceive and slammed the boot of his car shut with all the fragility of a hurricane. He looked amused. Prick.

I can’t say I’ve ever really been a morning person and there are plenty of people who will vouch for that. Probably none more so than Kate, who once got a kick in the shin for waking me up at ridiculous o’ clock as she came home drunk. And when I say ‘once’ I of course mean ‘every weekend’. So I did not take well to being woken at early o’clock by Kate’s overly loud and obnoxious alarm. Not at all.

Kate smirked a little and hopped in the backseat. Begrudgingly, I took the passenger seat, as I felt obligated. But I still refused to talk to Frank until I’d at least had a bacon sandwich or something. To calm my nerves.

And okay, so maybe I was also kind of grumpy because Kate was going back to England and I wasn’t. She wasn’t stuck here. She wasn’t all pregnant and shit. Unlike me, she had a job and a life back in Nottingham. So she had to go home. And leave me in this strange country with this strange man and our illegitimate unborn child who is trying to kill me. But you know, I don’t want to be melodramatic about it.

When we got to the airport and had to bid farewell, I held onto Kate and cried probably much more than can be healthy. But then again I had cried last week at an advert for dog food so you know. Hormones. Normal. Fine.

Eventually of course she had to leave. They were calling her flight and we were both crying and neither one of us wanted to say goodbye. I was experiencing so much déjà vu that it was quite exhausting.

Frank didn’t say anything to me in the car. I think he was afraid I’d snap at him again. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel bad about that. It wasn’t entirely his fault. We’d each made mistakes. Everybody does. We’re only human. Maybe his mistake (cheating on his fiancée) was more severe than my mistake (not taking my contraceptive pills ever) but what does it even matter really? We’re in this situation now. It has happened. The only thing you can do is move ahead. You delve. You keep going in the hope that soon you will find that something that makes it all worthwhile.

“I’m hungry,” I finally said to Frank, because I’m too much of a pussy to make a formal apology and verbalise any of these thoughts. But I thought this and a smile which I tried to make convincing would probably patch it over for now. It’s all hormones making me a crazy bitch. Not Daisy. Hormones.

Frank began to grin. “How about I take you to one of the finest eateries in the whole of New Jersey, Ms. Montague?”

My smile became genuine. “Why that sounds just marvellous, Mr. Iero. You really are too kind to little ol’ me.” This was said in an old western accent, as you can probably imagine. I’m not really sure why I chose to say it at all. Because I just didn’t feel stupid enough, I guess.

Frank took me to a Taco Bell. Admittedly this was not what I imagined to be one of the ‘finest eateries in the whole of New Jersey’ but it was pretty good. My limited knowledge of American culture is probably apparent to you by now. But I enjoyed the tacos. Probably too much, in fact. I ate about a thousand of them. I am eating for two now, you know. At least that’s what I tell myself. And Frank. And anybody else who looks at me funny while I’m stuffing my face. “I’m eating for two,” I say, through a mouthful of tortilla and meat and cheese and deliciousness. And that normally scares everyone off. So it’s all good.

Having a full stomach wore me out and, as I mentioned, I didn’t slept so great last night, so with that and all the food and crying and hormones, I was absolutely exhausted. So when eventually we got back to Frank’s house I left him to carry my stuff inside and went for a little nap, in which I dreamt about buying copious amounts of French cheese for some reason, despite the fact that I don’t even like Brie and the thought of eating any more food made me feel a little sick.

When I woke up I experienced that half a second of ‘where the fuck am I?’ before it all came back to me and I closed my eyes again with a heavy groan, burying my face in the pillow. It’s just all too much. Far, far too much. I could use another hour or so...

I heard a cough from the doorway and gave another groan, hoping that whoever was there might be deterred by it. No such luck.

“Hey beautiful,” said a voice which I thought might be Ray’s, and I turned over to check. Even without my glasses there was no mistaking that hair.

“What do you want?” I grumbled, sitting up and rubbing my eyes with one hand as the other reached blindly for my glasses. I placed them on and blinked a few times as my vision adjusted. Ray seemed to find this amusing for some reason.

“Just checking you’re alive,” he grinned with his mouth so wide, sitting on the edge of my (okay, fine, Frank’s) bed. “How you feeling?”

“Just swell,” I replied dryly, and he laughed and then I couldn’t help but smile a little.

“Super duper,” he said. “We’re ordering a take-out if you want some.”

I yawned. “What time is it?”

“Almost seven.”

My eyes widened. “Shit, really?” He nodded. “Wow. How am I still tired after four hours napping?”

He laughed again and then there was a silence.

“Hey, Daisy?”

I glanced over. Ray looked thoughtful and serious. “Yeah?”

He took a deep breath. “I’m really sorry. You know, about...everything.”

I cocked my head and smiled weakly. “Thanks,” I said softly, scooting up the bed to sit next to him. I headbutted him gently, any small amount of force padded by his huge hair, and we both let out small laughs. I rested my head on his shoulder. “It’s all just a bit overwhelming,” I added.

He nodded in understanding and there was another silence. But this one was more comfortable. I enjoyed talking to Ray. He always seemed to me like the ‘sane’ one. That might seem absurd to you, I don’t know. But he was so sweet.

I yawned a little and blinked my eyes some more. “I guess I could eat,” I eventually shrugged, standing to my feet and performing a quick stretch. I felt a slight twinge in my abdomen which took me by surprise. I should probably get used to that.

Ray led me down into the living room, where Frank and Mikey were sprawled across the sofas and Will and Grace was playing on the TV. Both men acknowledged my entrance with a smile and I gave a sleepy smile in return.

“Well look who’s finally up,” Frank smirked, shuffling from his horizontal position to allow me some sofa space. I sat down gingerly as I was still feeling a little guilty about being such a bitch to him the previous night/this morning. His hair was all scruffy and covering his face and he was smiling so that the dimples on his cheeks were showing and his eyes were twinkly and I was looking at him and it didn’t even seem possible for anybody to be angry at that face. That beautiful face! How could that be the face of an evil man? How can you be mad at that face? Just picture it now and try. Not even possible.

But naturally I’m too stubborn and weird to actually apologise or anything. So I just smiled and shuffled a little closer to him, just to let him know that all was forgiven (for now).

The evening was enjoyable. We ordered Thai food and watched TV and chatted and everyone made sure I was included and everybody asked if I was okay about every seven minutes. My body moved closer and closer towards Frank on the sofa until eventually his arm ended up around my shoulders and I’m not even sure how but Mikey and Ray didn’t seem to notice or care and it felt nice so I thought I’d just let it happen. And then Mikey went to bed and Ray went home and it was just me and Frank and an old Friends re-run.

“I’m really glad you’re here,” Frank said to me, quite out of the blue. It was around midnight.
I couldn’t have stifled my smile even if I’d wanted to. “I’m glad I’m here, too,” I replied. And I wasn’t lying. Honestly.

Frank planted a soft peck on my cheek and then rested his head on my shoulder. We stayed like this for quite some time before I began to yawn.

“I think I’m going to go to bed,” I announced, and Frank moved his head.

“Okay,” he said. And then there was a weird moment where I wasn’t sure whether to ask where we were both sleeping, and it looked like Frank was probably thinking the same thing. But eventually he said, “I’ll just sleep on the sofa, I think.”

And I thought that was probably for the best. I told him so as well. “I think that’s probably for the best,” I said. Because honestly I still wasn’t sure if I could trust Frank. I was still a little sore about the lying and the cheating. He needed to redeem himself. But for the time being I wasn’t totally sure what we were. We certainly weren’t on boyfriend-girlfriend basis, but we were definitely more than strangers. We were just two people who loved each other and were having a baby together. But we weren’t a couple. That makes perfect sense. Daisy you idiot.

So I went to bed alone and once again suffered an almost sleepless night.