Frontwards

Tuesday, 17th January, 2006.

Today I would experience my first mall. Well obviously I’ve been in shopping centres in England. But we don’t call them malls. We call them shopping centres. So this is my first time in a proper American mall.

They’re much bigger than shopping centres, actually. But that makes a lot of sense when you think about the fact that America is much bigger than England. There’s around 275million more people to accommodate. So it makes sense that everything would be bigger really.

Anyway, I digress, again. Linda had taken it upon herself to bring me shopping, God bless her soul, while Frank and the rest of them were meeting with their label. It was lovely because it felt like a mother-daughter thing to do, and also because I was terrified of being left in the house alone to my own devices. Not to mention the fact that I had no clothes.

So we were in American Apparel. Even I have heard of that. But anyway it’s good for me because the clothes are just nice and simple. No fuss. So I got a bunch of plain t-shirts and hoodies in various colours because you know what, I’m pregnant and I’ll wear whatever I feel fucking comfortable in alright? I’m not going to wear stupid tight jeans and shit. I’ll wear leggings with t-shirts and you can all just deal with it.

As I was heading to the checkout with my arms piled high with fabrics, I spied from my little eye the smallest pair of shoes I’d ever seen. I was pulled towards them somehow. Linda caught my eye from across the shop and smiled as she came over to me.

I could have stared at those things for a lifetime. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. They were just so tiny and perfect and white. Shoes for the tiniest of little people. And I thought, this thing in my belly is going to fit into those in a few months, and I started crying again.

Linda put her arm around my shoulders and rubbed my back. “They’re adorable, aren’t they?” she cooed, picking up the teeny tiny trainers. “Let me buy these for you.”

I nodded because I couldn’t speak and I felt silly anyway because I was crying at a pair of fucking shoes. People around me were frowning and telepathically telling me to get a grip woman. Finally I managed to stop blubbing for just long enough to pay, and then we went for lunch.

I was still thinking about the shoes as I ordered my pizza. I couldn’t stop. They were just so small. Like you can’t even imagine how small they were. Small enough to fit a cat. Now that, I would like to see. I miss Atticus. He’d have looked adorable in little white trainers.

“The first time you see something like that really hits home, doesn’t it?” Linda smiled as she poured me a glass of water.

I returned her smile. “It’s not just me then?”

She laughed and shook her head. “Goodness, no. I think it’s just about every woman who’s ever been pregnant, honey.”

I liked having her call me honey. It made me feel all warm and part of her family.

“I think it’s the first time you properly realise that you’ve got a little person inside you,” she carried on. “I know that when I was pregnant with Frankie, the first time I saw a little tiny pair of jeans, I realised that. I just thought, wow, one day this thing in me is going to wear jeans. It’s actually a human, just like me.” She beamed across the table. “It’s exciting, huh?”

“It is exciting,” I agreed. I hesitated for a moment. “Scary, though.”

“Oh, sweetie, it’s fucking terrifying,” she nodded, and I couldn’t help but laugh and so did she. “I mean, this is a huge thing. It’s enormous. Nothing will ever be the same again.” I had considered this but it still scared me a little bit to hear it from somebody else. She cocked her head to the side and smiled again. “But believe me, it’s worth it. It’s worth all of the labour pains and sleepless nights in the world. Because at the end of it you’ll be able to hold that tiny little person and it’ll be all yours and you love it instantly and unconditionally.”

I nodded like I understood but obviously I didn’t. Not yet. I would, one day, but for now it was all a mystery to me. I don’t even like kids. They’re all loud and stupid, running around like morons all the time and making a mess. I get so uncomfortable around little children. I don’t know how to interact with them. I don’t have what other women have. I don’t have a maternal instinct. Seeing other kids doesn’t make me broody, it makes me anxious and irritable.

Linda seemed to be reading my mind again. “You’ll never feel a love like it, Daisy,” she said. “Everybody says that the first time you pick up your own baby is the most wonderful feeling. But really, it’s every time. Every single time you touch him, it’s the same all over again. Even now that my baby is all grown up and successful and having his own baby, I still feel overwhelmed with love every time I hug him. He may not look it to you but he’s still my baby and I’ll love him no matter what he does.”

“Even if he went and got some British stranger pregnant?” I joked, sensing I may need to add some comic relief before she started crying. Because I can tell you now I wouldn’t have known what to do in that situation.

Thankfully, she gave a short laugh. “Yes, even then. Although you know, Daisy, in a way it’s the best thing he’s ever done.” She reached across and stroked my hand very lightly for just a second as she smiled away.

And I couldn’t help but silently agree with her.



I was taking a nap on the sofa when the guys got back from their meeting. It wasn’t an intentional nap, mind you. I’d just been watching Dexter and had drifted off. It was around 4pm by this stage and after our lunch Donna and I had headed over to some maternity store and bought me a shit ton of dresses in various sizes to accommodate for my expanding belly, and then we had called it a day because I was exhausted and my ankles hurt from wandering around that huge mall.

But anyway, the door opening woke me up at 5ish and I tried to sit up and pretend like I hadn’t been sleeping.

Ray was the first to enter the room, in a blur of curls and energy. He was smiling so wide I thought his face might split in half. But it didn’t. Surprisingly.

“Daisy guess what!” he squealed excitedly, hopping from one foot to the other.

“DON’T TELL HER YET!” came a shout from the hallway, and then the other four were suddenly surrounding me, sitting very small on the sofa as I stared up at them curiously. They were ridiculously excited, all wearing matching grins. It was very unnerving, actually. Anybody looking in through the window would think they were about to cut me in some sort of Clockwork Orange type scenario.

Thankfully, they didn’t. They were far too elated for ultraviolence.

“Daisy,” Frank grinned, taking a seat beside me and holding my hand in his. “We’re making another album.”

The five men all stared at me expectantly as I processed this, which once again was unsettling. But the looks on their little faces were just too cute to deny them the reaction I knew they were looking for.

“Oh my god, that’s amazing!” I finally said, slapping on a mile-wide grin and standing to hug each of them in turn. “Well done, guys!”

This seemed to be a satisfactory response to their excellent news. And don’t get me wrong, it was excellent news. It just scared me a little. Mostly because my first thoughts were entirely selfish. Thoughts such as ‘Oh God they’re going to leave me all alone for weeks and weeks on end while they go recording and I’ll go apeshit crazy and what if something happens to the baby and I wish Kate was here’. But I tried to calm myself down enough to be happy for them and realise that that probably wasn’t even what was going to happen.

“We start recording in a couple of months,” Gerard told me as I gave him his hug. “So we’ve really got to start writing and practising and stuff. So sorry if we drive you insane.”

I laughed and released him. “Not to worry,” I said, as casually as I could manage. “Are you recording it here in Jersey, or what?”

Frank cleared his throat. “Um, we’re not sure yet,” he shrugged, and straight away I knew he was lying but what could I do about it? Nothing, that’s what. So I stayed quiet. “But anyways we thought we’d all head out for dinner tonight to celebrate. So I hope you bought some fancy clothes today.”

I smiled. “I think I know just the thing.”



It is possible to be pregnant and still look sexy. Countless celebrities on the cover of fashion magazines have proved that. Demi Moore, Cindy Crawford, hell, even Britney freaking Spears. They have all shown that you can be pregnant and sexy.

But not me. Not Daisy Montague. It’s hard enough for me to feel sexy at the best of times, never mind when I’m bloated and hormonal and spotty. But I made my best efforts to look nice for this fancy dinner malarkey. I wore proper make-up and borrowed Gerard’s GHDs to curl my hair and everything. And by the time I’d slipped into my new red dress and some tummy-sucking tights, I actually thought I looked quite presentable. Not hot enough to be dating a rockstar or anything, but fairly nice anyway. Oh wait.

I’m going to admit something to you now, dear reader. Despite my insistence that I am a modern woman and a feminist etc etc, I was actually very pleased indeed to walk into a room full of men and have them all look at me like I was pretty. Even if it was just Frank and Gerard and Mikey and Ray and Bob.

Gerard was the first to speak, as the rest were still apparently shocked into silence that I could actually make myself look nice. “Damn, girl,” he said. “You scrub up good.”

I grinned and blushed a little as I crossed the room to stand next to Frank. He still smelt of vanilla but not smoke. It was strange. In an odd way I kind of missed the smell of tobacco on him. He didn’t smell like Frank without it. He just smelt like cakes. It’s a good job he still looked like Frank. Oh yummy. He was wearing a suit at this point. In fact they were all wearing suits.

“Thanks. You all look pretty good yourselves.”

Mikey checked his watch. “Alice should be here in a minute,” he announced. I’d learnt today that all this time, Mikey had a girlfriend called Alice. Who knew, right? I swear nobody tells me anything anymore. Earlier he was all like, ‘Alice is really excited to meet you, Daisy,’ and I was all like, ‘Who the fuck is Alice?’ Turns out Alice and Mikey have been together since forever and nobody had ever thought to mention this to me.

Anyway, Alice and Gerard were our drivers for the evening. I’d have happily offered since obviously I can’t drink anyways, but considering I’ve never driven on the wrong side of the road before, people were of the general opinion that it would probably be safer for somebody else to step in as a designated driver. In fact I think it would’ve been safer to have a drunk person or even a blind monkey driving. But Mikey said Alice had offered to stay sober and drive us all. Which was nice of her.

After some final hair-checking and make-up adjustment (and that was just the guys) a car horn sounded from outside, signalling Alice’s arrival. We all filed out of the house and into one of the two cars. Frank and I were going with Alice and Mikey in her Audi (because the guys could wait no longer to introduce us, apparently), and the Gerard was taking the others in his Toyota.

“Hey!” Alice grinned from the driver’s seat as Frank and I climbed into the back. She was wearing lots of eyeliner and had bright blonde hair and she was wearing black and had tattoos all over her arms. As Mikey got in beside her, she kissed him on the cheek and then turned back to me.

“You must be Daisy,” she said.

I nodded. I was very intimidated by her because she was the only other girl and she was much prettier and skinnier than me. God, how pathetic. “And you must be Alice.” At least I hadn’t lost the power of speech.

“That’s what they call me,” she smiled. It was fairly infectious, her smile. And she seemed quite genuine. So I pushed aside my initial awkwardness and tried to act normal so that she wouldn’t think I was mental (like everybody else presumably does).

“Nice to meet you,” I said. Frank took my hand again and squeezed it which I thought was probably a little patronising but I didn’t complain because to be honest it was exhausting, trying to be normal.

“You too. I’ve heard a lot about you,” she said.

This scared me slightly. I bet she was all like ‘oh yeah you’re that pregnant English slut everybody’s been talking about.’ But I acted casual. Because I’m getting good at that now. “Well I’ve heard nothing about you,” I laughed.

She gave what I can only describe as a cackle and rolled her eyes. “Sounds about right. Anyway, you’ve now got all the fun of finding out for yourself. Right, has everybody got their safety belts on?”
We all responded in the affirmative and finally we could set off. Alice was a surprisingly good driver. I don’t know why I assumed she might not be. I guess because she was so full of energy I thought this might project into her driving. But thankfully this was not the case. So we managed to arrive at the restaurant in one piece.

I was glad I’d dressed up because it was definitely a swanky joint. They had a piano player and everything. A piano player! Imagine! I didn’t even think those types of places really existed! I thought it was all a ruse invented by Hollywood. But no. They’re real. They had a goddamn pianist on a grand fucking piano in the corner of the room. And the waiters wore tuxedos. It was like being in a silent film.

It was fair to say that with the combined tattoos and piercings accumulated by our group (not to mention the sheer amount of eyeliner) that we didn’t fit right in with all these fancy-pants people. But it didn’t seem to bother anybody so I didn’t let it bother me either. After all, I was pretty much the most conventional-looking of all of us (and the only one not dressed head to toe in black). If anything I felt too normal in comparison to the rest of the group. Oh yes, my self-esteem was fading fast. But there you go.

I’d love to tell you that something incredibly interesting occurred over dinner but it didn’t. Don’t get me wrong; it was wonderful. The food was so good I thought it would kill me and we never ran out of conversation and Alice and I got along really well as we got to know each other. Which was all very nice. But the night panned out pretty much as you would expect. Basically everyone except me and Gerard and Alice got hammered on overpriced wine and we all ate excessively and so one way or another by the time we left everyone was feeling a little sick and very tired so we went home and then we all went to bed and there was no drama whatsoever.

Sorry to disappoint you.