Sequel: Upwards

Frontwards

The Jersey Shore.

Tuesday, 23rd January, 2006.

Today I had my first proper scan since being in the US of A. I mean I know I had one before but that was still very much early days when my baby was just a bundle of cells. Today, I would find out my due date. It was all very exciting.

Once again we went through the whole charade of the cold gel stuff and the whooshing sound but this time Frank was the one holding my hand as we squinted at the screen to try and figure out which parts of the black and white was our baby.

The technician was a very nice man who told us to call him Steve. Steve smiled at us as we stared at the screen and said, “Your baby is about the size of your little finger right now. And it has all of its organs already. Right now it’ll probably have fingernails, too.”

I looked up at Frank with tears in my eyes and he grinned like the Cheshire Cat. And then I turned back to Steve.

“Is that it?” I asked in awe, staring my little finger. “Is it really that small? That thing that’s been waking me up twice a night for a piss, and making me fat; it’s only that big?”

Steve chuckled. “Yep. Pretty amazing, huh?”

I smiled. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

“Anyway, everything looks happy and healthy to me,” Steve continued, still rolling that little scanner thing over my wobbly belly. “Everything is in the right place and as it should be. According to your charts you’ve had problems before though, am I right?”

I nodded slowly. “Yeah. About two weeks ago.”

Two weeks? Really, is that it? It’s fuck all really, isn’t it? Just two short weeks and my life has completely changed. Literally nothing is the same as it was back then. Oh, except I’m still pregnant. I forget that.

Steve nodded and flicked through some paper. “Well, as long as you’re taking your medication, Ms. Montague, I think everything will be just fine. You’ve survived your first trimester.” He grinned at the two of us. “Congratulations. You’re going to be parents.”

Scarily, this had never occurred to me. So far I’d been so concerned with pregnant stuff that I forgot the fact that soon I’d be a parent. I’m going to be a mother, I thought. Fucking hell. I’m going to be someone’s mum.

I could see that a similar thought was currently racing through Frank’s head. Something probably along the lines of, oh god, I’m going to be a dad, what have I done? Judging by the immediate look on his face, anyway. But soon enough he cracked that beautiful smile of his and leant over and kissed my forehead and I smiled.

“I’m going to estimate your due date for July 30th,” Steve announced, finally switching off that machine of his. “And, assuming there are no further complications, I’ll be seeing you both at the end of March for your 20-week scan.”

And that was it. No bad news, for once. Just a smile and a print-out of our baby and we were on our merry way.

The whole time Frank was driving home, I was just staring at the ultrasound picture. “I mean, it’s like a proper baby,” I said. “But it’s tiny.” I held up my little finger again and stared at it. “Just so small.” I shook my head. “And it has a tiny little heart. And fingers and toes. And kidneys.” I just couldn’t believe it.

He grinned and put his hand on my leg. I looked over to him. Goddamn he looked fine today. It was sunny, so he was wearing a pair of aviator sunglasses, but it was also still wintery outside so he’d combined them with a beanie and a scarf. He looked so adorable. He always looks adorable.

You’re probably thinking, cheating on his fiancée aside, that Frank is just a little too perfect. And this is what I was thinking, too. In a way it was frustrating because I wanted somebody that I could be mad at, every now and then. My hormones were raging and they were telling me to shout and cause arguments and Frank, being the one who got me into this mess in the first place, seemed like the perfect outlet. But he just refused to put a foot wrong. He was just too sweet and too kind and too wonderful.

It’s irritating, really.

“So how did it go with Alice yesterday?” he asked.

“Pretty good,” I nodded, my heart slamming against my ribcage as her words came back to me. I tried to shake them off for now because the past 24 hours all I’d been thinking about was trying to muster the balls to mention something to Frank. “She made me feel a lot better about a lot of stuff.”

Frank smiled. “I’m glad, Diz.”

We remained silent for the rest of the journey, save for the radio gently playing that song ‘Bad Day’ and me humming along out of tune. Frank didn’t seem to mind my musical incompetence much. He just smiled and rested his hand on my leg. I didn’t even notice that we were going the wrong way until we pulled into a car park, overlooking the beach.

We sat in the car for a moment, not speaking. Frank turned the radio off and then faced me.

“Welcome to the Jersey Shore,” he said, unclipping his seat belt. “Fancy a walk?”

I nodded. “Why not.” It seemed perfectly reasonable that we would end up at the beach instead of going home. I didn’t even bother to question it. That’s just how my life is these days.

As I opened the car door, I was hit by a rush of cold wind that conveniently slammed the door closed for me once I had exited the vehicle. Frank locked the car and walked over to me, taking my hand in his.

“You okay?” he asked.

I nodded. “I’m fine,” I said, because I was. I was wearing one of Frank’s big warm hoodies and a new pair of jeans that actually fit me, for the time being at least, and some ankle boots that I’d owned since 1997. My hair was up in a pretty scruffy-looking ponytail because I hadn’t been bothered this morning to brush it and make it look nice when the wind would only have messed it up again.

Frank squeezed my hand and we started walking down towards the sand. The beach was empty, save for a couple of dog walkers, because it was 10am on a windy Tuesday in January.

“In summer these beaches are packed with people,” Frank told me as we descended some concrete steps, still hand-in-hand. “It looks much more impressive in summer.”

I grinned and gingerly hopped down the last step. We started to walk left. “I think I’d rather it be empty,” I thought aloud. “I don’t much care for most people.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “I probably agree,” he said.

I looked over at the sea as we ambled along. It was all grey and white and it was beautiful in a gloomy sort of a way. In front of us there was a spaniel going absolutely mental as it chased and bit at the waves and I couldn’t help but smile. How simple it must be to be that dog, I thought. How easy would your life be, just happily chasing after the surf with no other cares in the world?

I sensed that Frank had brought me here for a reason so I waited for him to say something. As I waited I watched the spaniel try to attack the sea and it was actually very calming.

“I’ve made mistakes,” he finally said, his eyes cast downwards. “I’ve made some bad decisions in my life. Everybody makes bad decisions when they’re put under pressure. We all make mistakes. And we have to live with them once they are made.” He paused and I squeezed his hand to let him know I was listening. He sighed. “We have to carry on. We can’t move backwards. We can only move frontwards, and hope that everything turns out alright in the end. I hurt you, Daisy, and I have to live with that every day of my life.”

I took a moment to think this through. “I think I can come to trust you again,” I said slowly. “In time.”

Frank smiled and we both look out towards the sea and the spaniel. “You’re very special to me,” he said a moment later. I turned to him and gave a small smile, which he mirrored beautifully. “It’s not just because you’re having my baby. I think you know I had feelings for you long before all of this. Very strong feelings.” He looked thoughtfully up into the sunshine and I could see him squint beneath his sunglasses. “Feelings I hadn’t felt before. There’s something different about you and I think I’m starting to realise what it is.”

I waited because it seemed like he wanted to build up some tension here. Frank stopped walking and turned to face me, taking my other hand. My heart was beating approximately a thousand times a minute and I’m sure that just for a split second I could feel a movement in my belly but then again it could easily have been gas. Oh my god why am I thinking about gas right now. Shut up brain. This is romantic as hell.

“You’re such an honest person, Daisy,” he said softly. “You’re sweet and you’re genuine and you’re beautiful. I love that about you. I love everything about you. I love it how you smell like coconuts and your bangs cover your eyes like that and I love how soft your skin is and I love the way you look at me like you’re looking at me now, all focussed and smiling.”

In actuality I was currently smiling so wide that my cheeks began to ache but it didn’t even matter. And he wasn’t even finished. He took a step closer to me and pushed my fringe away from my eyes and left his hand lingering on my cheek and then he kissed me softly on the lips and it was just like in a movie but it wasn’t a movie, it was my life and this was happening and it was just perfect.

“I absolutely love you, Daisy Montague,” he whispered as our lips parted.

“I love you too, Frank,” I said, surprised to find that my voice still worked. “You know I do.”

He smiled and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling our bodies together. I was toasty warm from head to toe just from his touch. “I want you to be my girlfriend now,” he said. “If that’s okay with you. I want to be able to kiss you whenever I like and I want to be able to talk to the world about how much I love you and how amazing you are. And I want to make you happy when you feel sad. And I want to look after you and I want you to look after me. And I want us to have this baby together and maybe one day get married and have more babies; as many as you want. We can have a whole fucking football team if you want, Daisy.”

I laughed and then I realised that I was crying because Frank was telling me exactly what I had wanted to hear ever since I’d met him on that train 80 days ago. Well maybe not exactly because how was I supposed to know he’d get me all pregnant and shit back then? But still, it was the nub and gist of what every girl dreams of being told by a wonderful man. He rested his forehead against mine and looked right into my teary eyes with those beautiful hazel irises and he gave me a big smile and a small kiss on the lips.

“I think that would be okay with me,” I said with a watery smile. Frank rubbed my tears from my cheeks with his calloused thumbs and I shivered but in a good way.

“You’re my world now, Daisy,” he said quietly, his words almost being carried away by the wind that swirled around us. But we were standing strong in the middle of everything.
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I think this chapter is my favourite :)