Frontwards

Tuesday 12th February, 2006.

While the guys were at work (for lack of a better word), Alice dragged me to the beach. I was not feeling in a very beachy mood, despite the ridiculous freaking heat. It’s February, man. It should be raining. In fact, where I’m from, it always rains. February is normally freeze-your-tits-off cold. So to be here, in this damn city where the sun is always shining and it is 80 degrees in frickin’ February, seemed absolutely absurd.

Anyway, since it was stupidly sunny and warm, Alice made me go to the beach. We already know the problems I have with beaches, but in addition to this, Alice wanted us to go sunbathing. And I was not particularly in a bikini mood because I felt like a whale. I had woken up this morning with just the tiniest hint of a swollen uterus and didn’t really feel like debuting it to the entire world. So I grumbled and heaved myself around in one of Frank’s baggiest T-shirts, rolled up at the sleeves and tucked into my black skirt. Attractive.

It was only made worse by standing next to skinny Alice in her black bikini top and denim cutoffs. Why don’t I make friends with more fat people?

So we made our way to the beach (me quite begrudgingly) and set up camp with our towels (stolen from the hotel bathroom) somewhere reasonably quiet.

It amazed me how many people were at the beach at midday on a Tuesday. Don’t these people have jobs or school or something? Apparently not.

“Isn’t it gorgeous weather?” Alice kept saying with a little smile on her face. I almost felt like hitting her but let’s pin that down to hormones.

“Gorgeous,” I repeated, trying not to sound too sarcastic. I was sitting on my towel, my skin slathered in suncream so as to avoid harmful UV rays, and generally watching everybody else have a nice time. Alice was laid on her back exposing her slim frame to the world as she worked on her tan. She had sunglasses on and was still smiling away. I had sand in my knickers.

My attention wandered over to a young family nearby. The little boy was toddling around in that way little kids and drunk people do, with legs going in all directions and giggling his little ass off. His mother was casually enjoying a bottle of cold water and smiling as she watched him stumble around the sand, and his father had a book in his hands but was chatting with the woman and he was laughing as well. It seemed so easy for them. I wondered if it would ever be that easy for us.

“Hey, Dais,” Alice said from beside me.

I turned my gaze back to her. “Yeah?”

She was giving me a strange look beneath her sunglasses but it soon disappeared. “Are you okay?”

I considered this for a moment. My emotions were all over the place and I was craving Skittles like you wouldn’t believe, not to mention the fact that I still had Fucking Kristy on my mind after yesterday’s encounter, and I still needed to get in touch with Kate and make sure she could come over in the near future so that I could get this wedding organised, AND my back was starting to ache. But I suppose, all of these things aside, I was still feeling much better than I had in a few weeks.

“I’m pretty good,” I replied after a couple of moments.

She nodded. “Good.”



By the time the guys got back to the hotel, I was fast asleep on the sofa with my hand in a bag of Skittles and Extreme Makeover playing on the TV. I was rudely awoken by Mikey and Gerard’s hushed bickering.

“Are you freaking crazy?!” Mikey was hissing. I couldn’t be bothered to open my eyes. “You never wake a pregnant woman! What if she’s all confused and kills one of us?”

Gerard snorted. “You’re thinking of sleepwalkers, moron.”

“Dude,” Mikey sighed, “I don’t wanna take the chance anyway. Don’t they get like, superhuman strength when they’re pregnant?”

“You’re a fucking idiot,” Gerard said.

I grumbled audibly and waved my hands around in an attempt to get them to shut up, but I still couldn’t find the energy to open my eyes.

“Oh, well done, retard,” Mikey whispered. “You’ve woken her up now.”

When I finally peeled my eyes open, Mikey was staring at me in a frightened fascination, kind of the same way I look at tigers (they’re cool and all, but they could kill me with one swipe of their massive paws) and Gerard was smiling like a madman. Quelle surprise.

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” he sing-songed. “Well, actually it’s evening, but you know.” He reached his hand into my bag of Skittles and I had to fight the urge to slap him in the dick. I am getting so aggressive these days. “Nice nap?”

I muttered something incoherent and shuffled up onto my elbows, gently rubbing my eyes underneath my glasses.

“Hey, beautiful,” came a greeting from behind me. I could tell without looking that it was my fiancé and it made being woken up seem not quite as bad. In a couple of seconds he planted a soft kiss on the top of my head and came and sat on the sofa, with my legs over his lap. “How was your day, sweetie?”

I shrugged a little. “It was okay. Alice made me go sunbathing.” I pulled a face and Frank chuckled.

“Is that such a bad thing?” Mikey asked, looking quite confused.

I sighed. “Well, yes. Look at me.” I gestured towards my bloated physique but all I got in return was three frowning and perplexed faces.

“You look fine to me,” Gerard said. This was the closest I would ever get to a compliment from him, I think.

“Yeah,” Mikey agreed. “I don’t get it.”

I shook my head and smiled a little. “Never mind. How was your guys’ day?”

They spent a few minutes telling me all about how awesome the recording studio was, and how excited they were about starting the album next month. It was super cute to see them so enthusiastic about something. I don’t think I’ve ever been that excited about anything, which is quite sad when you think about it but hey ho.

“...and they have a hot tub. A freaking hot tub, Dais! In the recording studio!” Mikey’s little face was priceless. Bless him.

“Wow,” I said, mostly just to please him. “Sounds amazing.”

Frank nodded and started to stroke my leg. It was very welcome. Almost made me doze off again. “What do you fancy for dinner, babe?”

I hadn’t realised it was quite that late, but at the mention of a proper meal, I began to feel really hungry. “I don’t really know,” I shrugged. “Whatever you guys want.”

Frank thought for a few seconds. “Maybe we should all go out somewhere,” he suggested. “We haven’t properly celebrated our engagement yet.”

This sounded like a great idea to me. The prospect of real food, as opposed to anything cooked by one of the seven of us, was highly appealing. None of us are really very good at cooking. Most nights it is pasta or toast or we order in a pizza. Healthy.

“Sounds great,” I smiled. Mikey and Gerard nodded in agreement and went off to spread the word, leaving Frank and I on the sofa. He laid down beside me with his head on my breast and his hand stroking my abdomen. It was very relaxing, actually.

“Hello, baby Iero,” he said softly. I couldn’t stop myself from grinning. “You are one lucky baby, because you have the prettiest mommy in the whole world.” I blushed and felt Frank’s cheeks move into a smile against my flesh. “I love you both very much, and I can’t wait to meet you in 6 months.”

I pulled his head up and kissed him softly on the lips. His hand was still on my belly. I felt stupidly happy to be one-third of this weird family unit. I know how lucky I am to have someone like Frank. He’s so ridiculously perfect and for some reason, out of all the billions of people in the world, he loves me.

We just sat together for a while, smiling like idiots and being generally sickeningly in love, before we realised that we should both probably get ready. We shared a cheeky shower to save time, but it ended up taking twice as long as it should anyway, if you know what I mean and I’m sure you do.

By the time I was ready to leave, Alice was still fannying about straightening her hair (I can never be bothered) so I took the opportunity to call Kate and fill her in on the whole me-being-engaged malarkey.

“Hello?” Her accent sounded lovely after several days of hearing nothing but Americans.

“Hey babes, it’s me.”

“Oh, hey lush tits!” Lush tits, Kate? Really? “What’s new?”

“Oh, not much,” I said, reclining on the armchair. Alice and Gerard were fighting over the straighteners in the bathroom, and Frank, Mikey, Ray and Bob were sprawled across the other sofas in their most formal attire (generally black skinny jeans and black shirts), half-listening to my side of the conversation. “We’re here in California safe and sound, and Frank and I are getting married, and we’re going out for dinner this evening.”

Stunned silence and then a high-pitched squeal. This time I was prepared for it, so the headpiece was already at arm’s length from me. The guys grimaced.

“OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD,” is all that came out of the receiver for a few seconds before I finally put it back to my ear. “Oh my fucking god,” Kate said. “You’re getting married. My baby cousin is getting married.”

“I’m 2 and a half years older than you,” I reminded her.

“Shut the fuck up, Daisy,” she replied. Lovely. “Oh my god. When?!”

“I’m not sure,” I said. “As soon as possible. It won’t be anything huge or extravagant but I need you to be here.”

She snorted. “Well, fucking duh. Sort it out, Diz, and let me know ASAP, okay?”

“Okay.” Alice finally emerged from the bedroom and collapsed into the seat next to Mikey. She looked awesome. Stupid sexy Alice. “Listen Kate, I’d love to chat but as I said, we’re going out for dinner. I’ll call you tomorrow, yeah?”

“You had better,” she said. “I miss you like shit.”

I smiled. “I miss you too. Bye, Katface.”

“Bye, Dizbob.”

I put the phone down but kept smiling. Not half a second later, Gerard joined us.

“Let’s do this, bitches,” he announced, clapping his hands together.

Apparently Tony had pulled some strings to get us in some fancy-ass restaurant in Hollywood. It didn’t really mean anything to me but it was exciting all the same as the cabs pulled up outside. I mean, I was frigging starving at this point so I would have been just as excited about Frankie and Benny’s, but still. I was being spoilt at this place.

Ray handled the snobby waiter guy because nobody else would have had the patience. I probably would’ve slapped him after seeing the look he gave us when we walked in. But after he realised who we were (well, who the guys were, anyway) he was all smiles and manners and sirs and madams. That’s right, dickhead. Treat people with some respect, it’ll do wonders.

So anyway, he led us over to our table and sat us down and got our drinks and all that bullshit. The first two bottles of stupidly-priced wine went down before we’d even ordered our food. Gerard and I were in the sober corner sharing a jug of iced water that nobody else wanted anything to do with. Bastards. I wished I was getting drunk. I like being drunk, it makes me less weird. Being drunk is the whole reason I’m here right now, living this, let’s face it, pretty sweet and easy life. Six months without alcohol seemed never-ending.

Finally, Bob made a decision on what he wanted to eat, so we could make our order. I’m kind of a fussy eater so I was panicking a little. My palate is not quite as refined as most, so fancy restaurants are sometimes a struggle. I’m more than happy with a burger. Thankfully, this place did burgers, so I was set. Panic averted.

Another couple of bottles of wine arrived and were gone within a couple of minutes. It was already looking like a heavy night. Gerard and I exchanged glances that said, ‘I’m not taking care of these drunk idiots tonight’.

“I’m so glad to have an ally,” he whispered.

I laughed. “Me too,” I said.

Frank had a faraway smile on his face and gave me a kiss on the cheek, completely oblivious. Alice and Mikey were arguing about Pokémon, and Bob and Ray were discussing guitars. Frank took my hand and held it under the table.

After a couple of minutes, Adam freaking Sandler walked into the restaurant and casually took a seat nearby with what I assumed to be his wife.

“Gerard,” I hissed, eyes wide. “Is that Adam Sandler?”

Gerard glanced over and nodded. He seemed to find it amusing how impressed I was at seeing a well-known American celebrity at a fancy-ass Hollywood restaurant. Who in the world would believe that I was eating just two tables away from Adam Sandler?! Not me.

“Holy shit,” I breathed. “How fancy is this place?!”

Gerard chuckled and shook his head. “You’re like an alien in our world, Dais,” he said.

Before long, our food had arrived, along with a few more bottles of wine. While everyone else was concerned with getting hammered, Gerard and I enthusiastically made a start on our food. It was maybe one of the best burgers I’d ever had, but the chips came with salsa and this was not satisfactory to me. I had to ask for mayonnaise and the waiter looked at me like a turd. Stuck up bastard. I’m probably much more educated than him anyway. So what if I like mayo with my chips?

“Enjoying that, babe?” Frank asked from beside me as I took a huge bite of my burger.

I nodded and gave him the thumbs up since my mouth was stuffed full of meat. Frank just smiled and nodded. His eyes were starting to glaze over a little from all the wine. They’d probably drank at least a bottle each by this point and it didn’t look like it would stop for a while. Gerard and I sipped out water and let them get on with it.

“I would like to make a toast,” Ray eventually said, holding aloft his half-full wine glass. “To the future Mr and Mrs Iero.” Everybody else raised their glasses and there was a lot of clinking and smiling and whatnot. Frank took my hand and squeezed it and I felt like I was in a movie or something. It was all very surreal, not least because Adam fucking Sandler was sitting at the next table.

“Hey, congrats to the happy couple!” Sandler called, and before we even knew what was happening, the WHOLE FUCKING RESTAURANT was toasting to us and Adam Sandler announced that he would be paying our bill, despite everybody’s constant insistence that this wasn’t necessary. “Consider it an engagement gift,” Adam Sandler grinned, and the whole restaurant started applauding.

What the fuck is my life?