Frontwards

Friday 15th February, 2006.

It happened again this morning. But this time it was just Frank and he was at a different table with a different laptop and a different look of disturbance on his features.

I sighed and collapsed into the seat opposite him. He looked up. “What now?” I asked.

Frank shook his head and closed the laptop. “It’s nothing.”

“Clearly it is something.”

He rubbed his hands over his eyes. “Don’t worry about it. Breakfast?”

I glared at him as he got to his feet and headed towards the coffee percolator. Normally I would have probably let it slide but Frank was being too secretive and too dismissive and I didn’t like it. “Don’t change the subject, Frank. Tell me what’s up.”

“Let it go, Daisy,” he shot back, just a little too loudly.

Oh hell no. Bitch does not raise a voice at a pregnant lady and get away with it. I was on my feet before I knew it. Frank looked a little scared. And rightly so. “No I won’t let it go, Frank,” I said firmly. “You can’t just tell me to fucking let shit go. I gestured towards the computer on the table. “There is something on there that you don’t want me to see and I want to know what it is and why.”

Frank was still for a moment, before deflating slightly. “Okay,” he sighed, shaking his head. “Fine.” He closed the kitchen door, walked back over to the laptop, opened it and pushed it towards me. I rotated the screen without breaking eye-contact from him. It was Frank who looked away first. We both sat down in silence. He gazed towards the ceiling as I read.

Blah blah blah, official source confirms My Chemical Romance guitarist Frank Iero’s engagement to girlfriend of 2 months, Daisy. Blah blah blah expecting a baby in the summer.

Nothing too surprising until my eyes locked on the words ‘former lovers’. Oh what fresh hell is this.

One of Iero’s former lovers, who wishes to remain anonymous, has this to say: ‘No, I don’t think they will last. Frank has a history of cheating. The only reason he’s with this girl now is because he cheated on his previous fiancée and got her pregnant. That’s the only thing that makes her any different from all the other girls he slept with during his previous engagement. This girl is his current obsession but I’m willing to bet that in a couple of months he’ll become transfixed with someone else and the poor girl will be left alone with a baby.’ Iero has yet to comment.

“I woke up to like a hundred voicemails and emails and texts,” Iero commented. I could barely look at him. He sighed again. “Daisy, I-”

“Fucking leave it,” I snapped, once more rising dramatically to my feet. “Just fucking leave me alone.”

I left the room in style, slamming the kitchen door and every subsequent door in the suite that stood between me and our bedroom. I made sure to lock the final door, put my head in my hands and sat heavily on the end of the bed.

I’m not sure how long I was alone in there, crying into my hands and feeling sorry for myself. Eventually, though, there was a knock.

“Leave me alone, asshole,” I managed to yelp through my own sobs, even though all I really wanted was a cuddle. Stupid conflicting emotions.

“Dais, it’s me,” came a soft voice that had to be Alice’s.

In honesty I was a little disappointed that Frank hadn’t come to console me. I know, I know, I’m such a woman. I don’t know what I want. I don’t say what I mean. I’d have been angry with him either way. But I’m carrying his baby, god damnit, I’m allowed to change my mind and not make sense and be irrational. And he has to deal with it. That’s just the rule.

Reluctantly I got up and let Alice in. She locked the door behind her. I lay with my head on the pillow and she sat by my feet like a dog. She didn’t speak for a while. She just let me cry.

Mostly I was crying because I felt like an idiot. Of course I hadn’t been the only one. Of course he slept with other girls while he was engaged to Whatserface Stupidname. He’s a guy with the opportunity to sleep with a different woman every night so why wouldn’t he? I had spent so long thinking that I had been special, that we had a connection, that we were in love. I’m so fucking stupid. I was moping around for weeks because I missed him, but he didn’t miss me. He was out fucking other faceless sluts. Maybe he didn’t use condoms with them, either. Maybe they were pregnant, too.

What am I even doing here? What am I doing in this ridiculous hotel suite with these strangers who I convinced myself were my friends? Why aren’t I at home with my friend, my family, my cat, the ones who really love me? Why did I travel thousands of miles to force myself upon some poor guy who only ever wanted me for sex? Why am I being talked about in national magazines and all over the internet? Why didn’t I just get the abortion and save myself from this mess?

“I’m so stupid,” I finally muttered into my pillow.

Alice put her hand on mine. “You’re not stupid, Daisy,” she said quietly. But I don’t think she was convinced, either.

I sat up and folded my legs beneath me, wiping the snot and tears from my face with the back of my wrist. “Yeah,” I sniffed, “I am. I made myself believe that this was all real.” I gestured outwards. “But this isn’t me, Alice. This isn’t my life. I’m just some stupid English girl who fell for a rock star. I’m no different from the rest of them.” I sighed and leant back against the headboard. Fuck.

“You are different, Daisy,” Alice said softly. “Frank really loves you.”

I shook my head. “No,” I said. “No he doesn’t. Why would he? He doesn’t love me, and he didn’t love Saskia, and he didn’t love any of the other whores he’s been sleeping with this whole time. It’s all an act. I can’t believe I let myself think that I was special.” I reached over to the nightstand for a tissue to blow my nose with.

Alice sighed and lifted my hand. “That’s all bullshit, Daisy,” she whispered. “All of the stuff about him cheating on Saskia. It’s just some pathetic woman trying to stir around his shit. You know what people can be like, Dais. You were coping with it so well. You know Frank, and you know he really does love you, regardless of whatever mistakes he may have made in the past.”

I considered this. “So who is this ‘former lover’ then?” I asked. “If he really wasn’t screwing around then he’d know, right?”

Alice opened her mouth to speak but then thought better of it and shrugged. “I don’t know.”
I glared at her. “Yes, you do,” I said.

She held my gaze for several seconds before she cracked. “Fine,” she sighed heavily. Under her breath she muttered something about Frank killing her for telling me.

“I don’t care,” I shrugged. “You know you have to tell me.”

She nodded and took a deep breath. “Saskia and Frank were together since high school,” she started. “But when he joined the band, he decided he wanted to focus on music, and she couldn’t handle not having his full attention all the time, so they split up for a while.” Alice paused but I kept glaring at her until she continued. “Anyways, back then, Frank sort of had a thing with this girl he met through the band. It was just casual, but it was always obvious to us that she was into him way more than he was into her. I mean, she was kind of stalkery. She just kept following him around and calling him all the time and turning up at the house whenever she wanted. So Frank decided to end it. He told her that he didn’t want anything serious, and it ended. A few months later, he got back with Saskia and I guess you know the rest.”

My mind began to process this. It certainly made sense. It would give this mental bitch a good reason to try and sabotage his relationship, at the very least. But who would go straight to the press before his engagement had even been announced?

I froze. The look on Alice’s face confirmed it.

“Kristy?” I hissed.

Alice bit her thumbnail and nodded nervously.

Oh fuck that.

I jumped to my feet and headed back to the kitchen. Frank was still sat at the table with his head in his hands. Nobody else was around, or if they were, I was too angry to notice them.

“Fucking Kristy?!” I yelled, slamming the door shut behind me. “You were sleeping with fucking Kristy?!”

I’m pleased to say that Frank flinched quite a lot with every word I screamed. He stood up. “Listen, baby, I know you’re mad,” he said quickly, as if he suspected I would tell him to shut the fuck up at any moment. I almost did, but I figured he deserved to tell me what really happened so I heard him out. “I know I should have told you about Kristy and me.”

“Told me?” I repeated. “You should have fucking got a new PR, you dipshit!”

Frank nodded. “I know,” he said with a small, regretful sigh. “I know, I’m a fucking idiot, okay? I know. But it was such a long time ago, Daisy, I honestly thought she’d gotten over it.”

“Surprisingly,” I snorted, “girls don’t really tend to ‘get over it’ (I used my fingers to mime the quote marks) when you use them for sex, tell them you don’t want a girlfriend and then get engaged about half an hour later.”

“It didn’t happen like that,” Frank replied. He paused for a second. “Okay, it was kind of like that, but Daisy, I honestly didn’t think she would pull something like this.” He took my hand. “You know none of the other stuff is true though, right?”

I couldn’t look him in the eyes. I kept my gaze fixated on the floor. There was a slice of ham under the table.

Frank’s hand was on my chin, and he lifted my head to face him. “Daisy,” he said slowly. “I know I’ve made mistakes but I am not a cheater. There were no other girls. And I am never going to cheat on you. I am never going to get bored of you. I am going to marry you because I love you like I’ve never loved anyone else in the world.” His eyes were beginning to water and I was scared he might start crying. “You believe me, don’t you?”

Maybe I am gullible. Maybe I’m a sucker for those hazel eyes. Maybe I’m just plain stupid. But yeah, I believed him.

Slowly, I started to nod, and Frank started to smile.

“I’m so sorry for all of this, Diz,” he said softly. “I’m sorry for all of this shit that I put you through. But I’m going to make it right. I promise.”

And once again, I found myself believing him.