Sequel: Upwards ›
Frontwards
Bending.
Tuesday, 13th March, 2006.
I tentatively mentioned to Frank today that Kate was thinking of moving over to the States. He didn’t seem all that surprised until I said that I’d told her she could live with us for a little while. It didn’t cause a huge argument, or anything, because we were already living with other people, but the issue of space did come up. Currently there was Frank, me, Mikey and Gerard, and Alice basically lived with us because she slept round every night, and very often Ray and/or Bob would crash in the living room so the only conceivable sleeping space for Kate would be in Gerard’s room and there are a million and one reasons why THAT won’t ever happen.
“Well,” I said to Frank, “if we’re getting our own place soon then we can just get one with a spare room for her. Or she can take our room in this house.”
Frank sighed in defeat and nodded. This pleased me. As much as I love Frank and look forward to our lives together, I hate not being able to see Kate every day. For the 23 years leading up to the day I met Frank, she had been the only constant in my life and the only other person I ever had to care about. She is my only family. She’s been there for me my whole life, and now that moving back to England isn’t an option, I need her over here with me to be in the next chapter.
When I told her Frank had caved, she squealed in joy and gave me a big hug. For the next hour or so she was muttering on about how she needed to get home and sort everything out and whatnot. Gently I reminded her that it could potentially be several months in the future before Frank and I found a place to live but it didn’t seem to put her off much.
Tonight she booked her flight home. She leaves tomorrow. Who knows when she’ll be back.
Thursday, 15th March, 2006.
Spent most of yesterday moping because Kate was gone and Alice was at work and Frank had another band meeting. Soon they’re heading back to LA for a couple of months to record that new album of theirs. Sometimes it feels like almost as soon as I get all happy with life, everything is taken away from me. Or maybe I’m just dramatic and hormonal and pathetic.
Either way, today Frank and I had a day to ourselves so we went for a walk. It was a pretty mild day, weather-wise. Sunny but not especially warm. A good day for a nice walk.
But for some reason, Frank was really weird today. In fact, he’d been weird since he got home last night. He hadn’t spoken much, and every time I looked at him he seemed distant, like he was completely consumed by something. Of course, when I asked him what was wrong, he denied everything. But I’m not an idiot. I had hoped a quiet walk in the park would ease him a little but apparently not. The whole time, I was just talking and pointing out squirrels and making fun of little kids falling over and he barely even responded. Eventually I just sort of gave up and we walked along in silence for a while. I grew concerned and frustrated.
“Are you going to fucking talk to me or not?” I finally snapped.
He sighed and let go of my hand. We stopped walking. He turned to look at me. I raised my eyebrows expectantly. I don’t know what I was expecting.
Frank looked at me for a couple of seconds before his face crumpled. “I’m sorry, Dais,” he said quietly, wrapping his arms around my waist for a hug. I reluctantly succumbed because I wanted to remain strong and pissed off, but ultimately I also just wanted him to be back to normal. “I’m just dreading having to leave you again.”
Oh. Right. The LA thing.
I put my arms around his neck and we hugged for a little while. I don’t know how long. We were just standing casually in the woods hugging while people jogged past with their dogs and whatnot.
“I’ll be fine on my own for a few weeks,” I said, in the hopes it would make him feel better, but I think we both knew it was a lie. I’d be quite content on my own for perhaps three days, but after that I’d be a mess. Ugh. I hate myself for becoming one of those girls who is dependent on a guy. But you have to remember that I disliked extended human contact for a long time before meeting Frank and all of these amazing people, and as soon as I start to get used to be around them and enjoying their company, boom, they all disappear and I’m alone again.
“Maybe you should have a word with Alice,” Frank suggested, pulling away with his hands still on my waist. “Maybe you can move in with her for a while.”
I nodded. “Sure, I’ll talk to her.” But really I know this may not end up as such a great idea after all. Alice has a roommate who she rarely speaks of and this rings alarm bells to me. The only time I’ve ever heard Alice really mention her, it was because she had got home one evening to find the stench of stale whiskey in her house, and what turned out to be a Scottish convict asleep in her bathtub. This is why Alice spends most nights at ours. But I’m sure she won’t mind staying over with me while Mikey isn’t there. Maybe it’ll be fun, like one long sleepover.
One long sleepover in which we both mope about because our respective lovers are all the way across the country without us.
You may be wondering why we’re not allowed to go with them. It was fine last time, but apparently we’re not allowed there while the recording takes place, lest we become a ‘distraction’. Fascists. I don’t know what they think we do; cartwheel around all day naked or juggle flaming knives or something I suppose. We are actually relatively boring. Ah well.
Monday, 19th March, 2006.
Another band meeting. Lots of preparation to be done, apparently. They leave next Tuesday and it’s been nothing but meetings and practicing ever since. In some ways it’s like they have already left.
At least I get my husband to myself at night times but he always seems too tired and I think something is still worrying him but of course he won’t tell me what it is.
Alice has agreed to stay with me while they’re away so it can’t be that. We have an ultrasound on Thursday but I don’t see why he’d so concerned about that either. It drives me crazy thinking of every single possible thing that could make him so distant because I’m me and I come up with crazy things like maybe Saskia has told him if he doesn’t get back together with her then she will steal our baby, or perhaps he is being sexually harassed by Tony. These things make no sense at all but here we are, trying to get to sleep and being plagued by every single unlikely scenario.
Wednesday, 21st March, 2006.
Alice took me shopping for new fat clothes. An old woman actually stopped and congratulated me and asked me how far along I was and all such stuff. Even perfect strangers can tell I’m pregnant these days. I now feel officially huge. Still, it was nice of her and it would be much worse if it happened and I wasn’t actually pregnant, so there’s that.
That night when we were in bed, I tried to initiate some sexytimes but Frank said he didn’t feel good and I felt fucking ridiculous and rejected so I just turned my back on him and pretended to go to sleep but I wasn’t sleeping.
I tentatively mentioned to Frank today that Kate was thinking of moving over to the States. He didn’t seem all that surprised until I said that I’d told her she could live with us for a little while. It didn’t cause a huge argument, or anything, because we were already living with other people, but the issue of space did come up. Currently there was Frank, me, Mikey and Gerard, and Alice basically lived with us because she slept round every night, and very often Ray and/or Bob would crash in the living room so the only conceivable sleeping space for Kate would be in Gerard’s room and there are a million and one reasons why THAT won’t ever happen.
“Well,” I said to Frank, “if we’re getting our own place soon then we can just get one with a spare room for her. Or she can take our room in this house.”
Frank sighed in defeat and nodded. This pleased me. As much as I love Frank and look forward to our lives together, I hate not being able to see Kate every day. For the 23 years leading up to the day I met Frank, she had been the only constant in my life and the only other person I ever had to care about. She is my only family. She’s been there for me my whole life, and now that moving back to England isn’t an option, I need her over here with me to be in the next chapter.
When I told her Frank had caved, she squealed in joy and gave me a big hug. For the next hour or so she was muttering on about how she needed to get home and sort everything out and whatnot. Gently I reminded her that it could potentially be several months in the future before Frank and I found a place to live but it didn’t seem to put her off much.
Tonight she booked her flight home. She leaves tomorrow. Who knows when she’ll be back.
Thursday, 15th March, 2006.
Spent most of yesterday moping because Kate was gone and Alice was at work and Frank had another band meeting. Soon they’re heading back to LA for a couple of months to record that new album of theirs. Sometimes it feels like almost as soon as I get all happy with life, everything is taken away from me. Or maybe I’m just dramatic and hormonal and pathetic.
Either way, today Frank and I had a day to ourselves so we went for a walk. It was a pretty mild day, weather-wise. Sunny but not especially warm. A good day for a nice walk.
But for some reason, Frank was really weird today. In fact, he’d been weird since he got home last night. He hadn’t spoken much, and every time I looked at him he seemed distant, like he was completely consumed by something. Of course, when I asked him what was wrong, he denied everything. But I’m not an idiot. I had hoped a quiet walk in the park would ease him a little but apparently not. The whole time, I was just talking and pointing out squirrels and making fun of little kids falling over and he barely even responded. Eventually I just sort of gave up and we walked along in silence for a while. I grew concerned and frustrated.
“Are you going to fucking talk to me or not?” I finally snapped.
He sighed and let go of my hand. We stopped walking. He turned to look at me. I raised my eyebrows expectantly. I don’t know what I was expecting.
Frank looked at me for a couple of seconds before his face crumpled. “I’m sorry, Dais,” he said quietly, wrapping his arms around my waist for a hug. I reluctantly succumbed because I wanted to remain strong and pissed off, but ultimately I also just wanted him to be back to normal. “I’m just dreading having to leave you again.”
Oh. Right. The LA thing.
I put my arms around his neck and we hugged for a little while. I don’t know how long. We were just standing casually in the woods hugging while people jogged past with their dogs and whatnot.
“I’ll be fine on my own for a few weeks,” I said, in the hopes it would make him feel better, but I think we both knew it was a lie. I’d be quite content on my own for perhaps three days, but after that I’d be a mess. Ugh. I hate myself for becoming one of those girls who is dependent on a guy. But you have to remember that I disliked extended human contact for a long time before meeting Frank and all of these amazing people, and as soon as I start to get used to be around them and enjoying their company, boom, they all disappear and I’m alone again.
“Maybe you should have a word with Alice,” Frank suggested, pulling away with his hands still on my waist. “Maybe you can move in with her for a while.”
I nodded. “Sure, I’ll talk to her.” But really I know this may not end up as such a great idea after all. Alice has a roommate who she rarely speaks of and this rings alarm bells to me. The only time I’ve ever heard Alice really mention her, it was because she had got home one evening to find the stench of stale whiskey in her house, and what turned out to be a Scottish convict asleep in her bathtub. This is why Alice spends most nights at ours. But I’m sure she won’t mind staying over with me while Mikey isn’t there. Maybe it’ll be fun, like one long sleepover.
One long sleepover in which we both mope about because our respective lovers are all the way across the country without us.
You may be wondering why we’re not allowed to go with them. It was fine last time, but apparently we’re not allowed there while the recording takes place, lest we become a ‘distraction’. Fascists. I don’t know what they think we do; cartwheel around all day naked or juggle flaming knives or something I suppose. We are actually relatively boring. Ah well.
Monday, 19th March, 2006.
Another band meeting. Lots of preparation to be done, apparently. They leave next Tuesday and it’s been nothing but meetings and practicing ever since. In some ways it’s like they have already left.
At least I get my husband to myself at night times but he always seems too tired and I think something is still worrying him but of course he won’t tell me what it is.
Alice has agreed to stay with me while they’re away so it can’t be that. We have an ultrasound on Thursday but I don’t see why he’d so concerned about that either. It drives me crazy thinking of every single possible thing that could make him so distant because I’m me and I come up with crazy things like maybe Saskia has told him if he doesn’t get back together with her then she will steal our baby, or perhaps he is being sexually harassed by Tony. These things make no sense at all but here we are, trying to get to sleep and being plagued by every single unlikely scenario.
Wednesday, 21st March, 2006.
Alice took me shopping for new fat clothes. An old woman actually stopped and congratulated me and asked me how far along I was and all such stuff. Even perfect strangers can tell I’m pregnant these days. I now feel officially huge. Still, it was nice of her and it would be much worse if it happened and I wasn’t actually pregnant, so there’s that.
That night when we were in bed, I tried to initiate some sexytimes but Frank said he didn’t feel good and I felt fucking ridiculous and rejected so I just turned my back on him and pretended to go to sleep but I wasn’t sleeping.