Frontwards

Monday, 26th March, 2006.

“Daisy, I think we should talk.”

Fucking yes we should. It’s been a week and a half since we last talked. That is half of our married lives being spent without communicating with one another and that's the saddest realisation I have ever had to make.

It took Frank all day to gather the balls to say something. I could tell when I went down for breakfast that Gerard had had his ‘chat’ with him, because he gave me a wink as I entered the kitchen. But still Frank remained quiet all day, as I helped him pack and made him lunch and all those other wifey type things I’m getting so good at since I can’t do anything remotely fun anymore.

So it was only now, as we were getting changed for bed, that he decided to say something. I slipped in between the sheets gingerly and waited for him to carry on.

“You watching me undress?” he joked half-heartedly.

I smiled faintly. “So what if I am?”

Finally he got into bed and put his arm around me. I’d missed the feeling of his skin against mine so much you wouldn’t believe it. I nuzzled down into his chest.

“I know I’ve been acting kind of strange lately,” he began.

What an understatement that was. I almost told him that as well, but in the interest of being calm, I stopped myself.

“The thing is, Dais...” He sighed and started to stroke my hair. “I’m quitting the band.”

What? WHAT?!

“What?” I whispered. Apparently this was such a shock that my voice had shied away.

Frank nodded and sighed again. “Management are worried about everything that’s happened so far since we’ve made our relationship public and they’re right. I need to take time out to look after you and the baby. I don’t want to make everyone else wait for me. We’ve spoken about it – a lot – and we all think it’s for the best.”

“But, Frankie...” I was at something of a loss for words. Fuck, I felt guilty. Frank may think this is for the best but he’s clearly not completely happy with the decision given his behaviour the past few days. He's just been resenting me this whole time for something I had no knowledge of and I don't want that for the rest of our lives. I don't want him to be reminded of what he gave up every time he looks at me.

Fuck. I don’t want to be responsible for him giving up on his dreams. “Frankie, that’s not fair,” I finally managed to say. “I don’t want you to do that.”

“It’s already done,” he said, with a certain sadness about his voice. “I’m going to record in California and then once we’re done they’re finding a replacement for me.”

I chewed nervously on my lip. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” He kissed the top of my head and pulled me closer to him. I moved like a ragdoll. “It’s just going to me and you and the baby. We can be a normal family. I was thinking of setting up a music store downtown but until then my cousin Andy can get me a job at his bar and I have some savings so we should be good for money anyway.”

“Frank, I’m not worried about money,” I butted in, before he could keep rambling on. “I’m worried about you. You don’t want all of those things, really. You can delude yourself all you want, but I know you really want to be in the band and play music and tour the world and live your dream.”

Frank put his finger under my chin and lifted my head so we were eye-to-eye. “I want you, Daisy,” he said, softly and firmly. “That’s all. You and the baby are my dream now.”

I nodded and blinked away my tears and snuggled back down into his chest like I was happy with this answer and this whole damn thing but I wasn’t. It in fact put me in the exact same mood as Frank had been in for the past ten days.

Although I was kind enough (or desperate enough) not to deny him some sexytimes.

Tuesday, 27th March, 2006.

As the guys got in their cab to the airport, Alice and I had a little weep. Well, she had a little weep. I had a considerably large weep, actually. Not that that’s particularly surprising.

Frank and I had already said our goodbyes. They were painful and emotional and I don’t really want to repeat it because it’ll just make me cry again and I’ll never stop. Just believe me that it was heartbreaking.

I guess I should have felt better about knowing that once he was back there would be no more separation. Just me and him together for a long long time. And while that is a nice thought, in some ways it made me feel even worse. This was his last chance to be with the band. And it’s all my fault.

“I think we should go out tonight,” Alice announced as we moped on the sofas watching Maury. Turns out LeShawn WASN'T the father so he could still do whatever the fuck he wanted with his life. “We should go and have some fun to take our mind off things.”

“That sounds great and all, but I can’t drink,” I reminded her, pointing to what was now a considerable baby bump.

She paused. “We don’t need to drink to have fun,” she said, but I don’t think she even managed to convince herself. “Okay. What about a movie?”

I nodded. “That could be good. What’s on?”

We went for She’s the Man and, predictably, I cried. All poor Amanda Bynes wanted was to play football and then she was dressed as a guy and she fell in love with a guy but he thought she was her brother and then he felt betrayed but it worked out in the end and I don’t know, it all just got to me, okay.

So anyway, we then went for dinner and Alice had some drinks and then wanted to go dancing but I didn’t want to go dancing so we compromised and went to a bar and Alice got hit on a bunch of times and I had my ass grabbed so I decided to leave and had to drag her drunken ass with me before she got herself raped.

As I was putting her into bed, I already felt like a mum. I think it can come quite naturally really.

It was only 9pm in England so I decided to ring Kate and tell her all about all of this nonsense. She wasn’t so surprised, actually. She seemed to think this was the decent thing for him to do and that I should just let him make his own decisions and appreciate it. Which made sense, I guess, but I still felt like I would constantly be plagued by guilt and I could only see one real solution.

Staying here is going to force Frank to quit on everything he’s ever wanted. He was happy before I came along. Now I have months ahead of me without him and I’m not sure I can take it.