Sequel: Upwards ›
Frontwards
Love as a substance.
Monday, November 7th, 2005
This morning I took Frank to Madame Tussauds and we molested wax figurines until we got kicked out, giggling like mischievous children as we roamed the cold streets of London, holding hands. It was maybe the happiest I have ever been.
There was another show tonight, in some student union. Once more I waited from the wings and sipped rum and coke and watched the guys as they rocked out. When they were done, we hung around backstage for a while and played drinking games. Gerard was taking shots of what appeared to be Coke but I didn’t question it because I figured it was probably none of my business and nobody else brought it up.
“I have never had sex with a man,” Mikey grinned.
I rolled my eyes and took a shot from the smorgasbord of liquor on the table in the centre of our sofa formation. Turned out to be tequila. I screwed up my face a lot and was extremely grateful for a foreign hand to be shoving a slice of lime into my mouth.
“Eurgh,” I shuddered, pulling lime rind out of my mouth and discarding it into the ashtray on the table. Five grinning faces looked back at me as I considered the shortfalls of my sexual experience. “I have never...” Five male bodies leaned in closer. God, what perverts. “I have never done anal.”
We erupted into laughter as shy, retiring Mikey flushed a dark pink and reached forward for a shot, throwing it down his throat and retching immediately. “Vodka,” he choked, sipping at the beer in his hand to wash away the awful taste of ethanol.
The rule was for no questions to be asked, so we reluctantly had to let it slide and continue the game. Frank cleared his throat and we all turned to him. It was one of those head-turns where it takes a second for your eyes to actually follow. I was well on my way to inebriation by now.
“I have never had a threesome,” Frank announced.
I glanced around me but nobody was drinking. Sighing, I grabbed a shot glass and downed it. Damn tequila again. Fuck. My eyes burnt a little and my mouth filled with saliva but all I could focus on were five men gawping at me as I slammed the empty glass down onto the table.
“Two girls or two guys?” Gerard was asking, leaning his elbows on his knees and leaning right forward. I heard Frank let out a low growl from beside me and I squeezed his hand.
“I was under the impression that there was a no-questions rule,” I said meekly, but we all knew it was useless because I was outnumbered five to one and I had easily drunk more than anybody else in the room. God, I’m such a slut.
“I think I speak for every man in the universe when I say that you have to tell us all about it,” Frank grinned. I had a shred of hope that maybe this subject would make him uncomfortable and he would make them drop it, but nope.
I sighed. “Okay, fine.” There was an audible intake of breath and I could feel their attention on me. Fucking perverts. I sighed again. “It was in the last year of my undergrad. I went out with my friend Emma and she really wanted to get on this guy in a bar but he didn’t seem too interested. Whilst I was in the bathroom she propositioned him with a threesome and when I got back I was far too drunk to argue so we went back to his place, and...” I tailed off, making twirling gestures with my hands so I didn’t have to elaborate any more. This seemed sufficient, judging by their beaming faces.
“Well,” Ray grinned. “I certainly didn’t expect to be learning that about you tonight, Daisy.” Ever the gentleman.
“Yes, it’s very...interesting,” Bob agreed, nodding and swigging at his beer.
“It’s fucking hot,” Frank whispered into my ear, causing shivers to race the length of my spine.
“I have never had sex outside,” Ray announced. Gerard took a shot of Coke.
I rolled my eyes. “God damn.” Vodka, this time. I winced as it burnt my throat.
“Shit, Frank, this chick is filth,” Mikey slurred.
Frank chuckled and held my hand tighter. “Time to get you to bed, love, I think,” he whispered in my ear as he pulled me slowly up from the couch. I chuckled and stumbled into him, wrapping my arms around his neck lazily and touching my lips to the skin of his throat. I felt him give a low mumble, the vibrations of his vocal chords tickling my numb lips. “Come on, Daisy. Later, guys.”
They replied with a unified grumble and Frank led us into the cold night and into a taxi.
Once back in the hotel we wasted absolutely no time in getting down to business. I had him pinned against the door to our room before he had even fished the keys out of his pocket, slamming him against the hard wood so hard he gave a groan. As he fumbled with the lock, I fumbled with his belt, our lips still locked against each others.
“Not in the hallway, Dais,” he muttered, his words lost in my mouth as the door finally opened behind him and I shoved him inside, slamming it to a close behind us, stepping out of my shoes, pulling his jeans down and pushing him backwards onto the bed in one fluid motion. “Oh, fuck, Daisy,” he moaned, making the final efforts to kick his jeans onto the floor. His hands lowered from my waist onto my thighs, bare as my skirt rose somewhere around my middle.
I gave a short gasp at his cold touch as he caressed the not-so-supple flesh of my inner thighs but I was certainly not complaining. I tugged at his t-shirt and he wriggled out of it and I ran my fingers along his bare chest and he groaned and he kept teasing me on the thighs so I groaned too, as I planted feverish kisses along his collarbone. I actually kissed so much that my lips began to swell and ache but soon they were back onto Frank’s as if he were kissing them better.
Then he stopped messing around and slid a curled finger into me and it caught me off guard so I let out another short gasp of pleasure and threw my head back. Without even realising I had managed to get myself into a position where I was straddling his waist and leaning down to his face so I began to nibble on his earlobes and stroke the bulge of his boxers until his breathing began to turn ragged.
He pulled his finger out of me with such speed that I gave another moan and returned my face to him, asking silently why he stopped.
“Fuck me,” he whispered simply, and I was more than happy to shed the remainder of our clothes and oblige and then before I knew it I was falling asleep naked in his arms for the third night running.
Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
I really really need to get some work done while Frank’s at band practise because lord knows I won’t get any done while he’s around to distract me.
I just can’t get enough of him. It’s as if I’m an addict and he is my dealer of love as a substance. Everything about him turns me on but really I know that this is more than lust. This is something much deeper. I know because I am no stranger to lust. I have felt lust before. But there is something else here which is alien to me and it must be love, love, love.
So, let’s get down to brass tax. Quite literally, I might add. The client has been overpaying tax by 16% of a £50,000 salary, which should normally be taxed a rate of Frank’s hair is so soft, like a rabbit. I could run my fingers through it all day...
No, Daisy! Work! Okay. The client should be paying income tax no more than twenty percent of I could completely drown in those hazel eyes, I could look at them until the cows come home and then I would say FUCK OFF COWS CAN’T YOU SEE I AM IN LOVE?
Jesus Christ.
Clearly I am getting nothing done today.
Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
Another late night last night, another steaming headache this morning. Another day of pretending to get some work done whilst actually letting my mind wander to naughty thoughts of Frank.
Deciding that a bath was most definitely necessary to clear my mind, I ran myself a hot one and sank deep into the bubbles. I managed to tune the shower radio into Classic FM and I guess I must have fallen into a light doze at some point because I came around upon hearing a door slam. Didn’t I lock that door? Somebody is about to see me naked. God damn. Calm down, Daisy, it is probably just Frank.
“Hello?” I called from the bathroom, making a desperate attempt to cover my modesty with the remaining clouds of bubble bath, just in case it was freaking Tony again. Beethoven turned to Bach. “Frank?”
The bathroom door swung open and Frank looked very pleased with himself as he took in the scene. “Well hello,” he grinned, already beginning to remove his shoes and trousers and shirt. “Mind if I join you?”
Not that it would have made a difference if I had said yes. I rolled my eyes but I was smiling as I shuffled forwards, making a space for Frank to slot himself into the massive tub behind me. It was easily big enough for two people. In fact, it was probably designed for two people because, let’s be fair, this is a very romantic hotel and all people do in romantic hotels is fuck. I mean, make love.
“Fuck this water is hot,” Frank gasped as he submerged, and almost instantly I could feel his erection pressed against the small of my back. I raised my eyebrows and turned around to face him, questioning him silently. “Fuck off,” he grinned, kissing my neck. “What do you expect when I’m sharing a hot bath with a sexy naked girl?”
I blushed a little, despite hating myself for it. But I didn’t say anything because Frank’s warm hands were cupping my breasts and I couldn’t really think about anything else at the present moment. My back arched until my head was resting on his shoulder but he just continued to massage them.
“Ben and Jerry sure are alert today,” he commented, tweaking my nipples slightly and making me groan in a highly unladylike fashion. I planted a fleeting kiss on his neck. But he carried on caressing me. Not in a lustful way, either. In a very sensual way. He was making no attempt to stick any parts of himself into any parts of myself. He was just exploring my naked form. And it was amazing. It made me feel good in so many different ways but eventually I just wanted him, so I took him by the hand and placed his fingers on my thighs. He seemed to receive the message loud and clear as he slowly pushed a digit inside me, causing me to elicit a breathy, high-pitched squeak which caught us both a little off guard and so we laughed it off. It felt wonderful to be so comfortable and intimate with somebody.
As Frank continued, I began to stroke a finger up and down his erection whilst planting tiny little kisses along his neck. I could feel him smiling against my face.
“Daisy,” he whispered, his breath hot against my ear, tickling me all the way down to my coccyx. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
I froze. Not out of horror but out of shock. A wonderful, pleasant shock that caused my skin to tingle all over. I turned around ungraciously to face him, sloshing water over the side of the near-full tub as I did so. “Do you really mean that?” I asked in a small voice.
The smile on his face was unlike any other smile I had ever seen before in my whole life. “Absolutely,” he replied, kissing me softly on the lips.
“Oh,” I replied lamely. OH?! YOU ARE AN IDIOT. TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM DAISY. TELL HIM YOU ALWAYS HAVE. KISS HIM. NOW. I laughed at my own awkwardness and landed a soft kiss on his lips. “I think I might be falling in love with you, too.” It was a sad admission, though, because we both knew we only really had one day left together. Neither of us mentioned it for now though. We just rested our foreheads against one another and looked at each other and grinned big dumb grins.
Maybe this is the happiest I’ve ever been.
Thursday, November 10th, 2005
Last day last day last day with Frank. Fuuuuck. We tried to make it count but everything we did had a morbid undertone. Nothing could change the fact that love, love will tear us apart. Sigh. At various points in the day I just clung onto Frank like I never wanted to let him go. Which I didn’t, of course.
I attended band practice today, just so I could spend as much time with him as possible. The other members were nothing but nice to me. Gerard and Mikey even came and sat with me whilst Frank and Ray discussed something about guitars.
“He really cares about you, you know?” Gerard told me, placing an awkward hand on my shoulder.
I nodded. “I know. Makes it that much harder.”
He sighed and pulled me into a fully-fledged hug. “Oh Daisy. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now.”
“I’m feeling like I want to throw myself under a bus,” I replied. Mikey appeared startled by this revelation, his eyes widening like saucers. “But I won’t,” I added, for his benefit. Which only seemed to reassure him a little bit. “It’s just all so...blah.”
Gerard nodded wisely. “Yeah, it is.”
I shrugged his arm further around my shoulders and rested my head on his chest. “Why does it have to be so hard?” I sighed. “I thought love was meant to be all sunshine and rainbows.”
Gerard gave an abrupt laugh. A ‘ha!’ of understanding. “It never is,” he told me. “It’s fucking horrible.”
Mikey nodded knowingly and I couldn’t help but smile at him. He is so adorable, I just want to carry him around in my pocket or something. I imagine he would make a good pet. Doesn’t look like he’d eat too much and he seems quite hygienic. Listen to yourself, Daisy, you are talking absolute nonsense. Get a grip woman.
“You will be okay,” Gerard smiled weakly, rubbing my shoulder. “It may not seem like it right now, or tomorrow, or for some time afterwards, but in the end you will be okay. I mean, it’s only Frank.”
I let out a short laugh. I like Gerard. He is sweet and funny and wonderfully insane. “Thanks, Gerard,” I said through a half-smile.
“Call me Gee,” he grinned, giving me a quick wink before whipping a cigarette and a lighter from his pocket and heading off into the direction of the back door. Mikey followed like a lost kitten. I was sitting alone for all of twelve seconds before Frank heaved down beside me, smelling like tobacco and vanilla and loveliness.
“Hey you,” he said quietly, nudging my shoulder with his before placing his chin on it.
“Hey,” I replied softly, searching for his hand with mine. We found one another and entwined our fingers. There was a long silence, interrupted only with sporadic bouts of swearing coming from the general direction of Gerard. “I’m going to miss you,” I said, even though there was no need.
He sighed and rubbed his fingers along the back of my palm. “I’m going to miss you too, kid.”
This is closest we ever really got to discussing our future and it seemed pretty clear that there would not be one. And maybe that’s okay. I’ve just got to come to accept it and appreciate the times that we have spent together. The amazing week we’ve had. Hopefully one day I can feel love like this again.
Oh who the fuck am I kidding? I wanted to cry. I wanted to say fuck everything and board that plane back to New Jersey with them tomorrow. But I can’t. So it looks like this is goodbye.
We didn’t have sex tonight because we both knew it would only make our separation worse. But it’s not like we got an early night, either. We lay in a tight embrace all night, one of us occasionally drifting off for a few moments before awakening again to a soft kiss. It was too much.
“Hey,” Frank whispered in the darkness. I guessed it was somewhere around 3am. “Are you crying?”
No,” I replied, despite this being a blatant lie. My tears were falling onto his bare chest and he let out a long sigh.
“Please don’t cry on my account, Diz,” he said softly, kissing the top of my head.
“I can’t help it,” I sniffed, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand before placing it back around his waist. “I just don’t know what to do.”
We didn’t speak again after that and finally I fell into a fitful, dreamless sleep.
This morning I took Frank to Madame Tussauds and we molested wax figurines until we got kicked out, giggling like mischievous children as we roamed the cold streets of London, holding hands. It was maybe the happiest I have ever been.
There was another show tonight, in some student union. Once more I waited from the wings and sipped rum and coke and watched the guys as they rocked out. When they were done, we hung around backstage for a while and played drinking games. Gerard was taking shots of what appeared to be Coke but I didn’t question it because I figured it was probably none of my business and nobody else brought it up.
“I have never had sex with a man,” Mikey grinned.
I rolled my eyes and took a shot from the smorgasbord of liquor on the table in the centre of our sofa formation. Turned out to be tequila. I screwed up my face a lot and was extremely grateful for a foreign hand to be shoving a slice of lime into my mouth.
“Eurgh,” I shuddered, pulling lime rind out of my mouth and discarding it into the ashtray on the table. Five grinning faces looked back at me as I considered the shortfalls of my sexual experience. “I have never...” Five male bodies leaned in closer. God, what perverts. “I have never done anal.”
We erupted into laughter as shy, retiring Mikey flushed a dark pink and reached forward for a shot, throwing it down his throat and retching immediately. “Vodka,” he choked, sipping at the beer in his hand to wash away the awful taste of ethanol.
The rule was for no questions to be asked, so we reluctantly had to let it slide and continue the game. Frank cleared his throat and we all turned to him. It was one of those head-turns where it takes a second for your eyes to actually follow. I was well on my way to inebriation by now.
“I have never had a threesome,” Frank announced.
I glanced around me but nobody was drinking. Sighing, I grabbed a shot glass and downed it. Damn tequila again. Fuck. My eyes burnt a little and my mouth filled with saliva but all I could focus on were five men gawping at me as I slammed the empty glass down onto the table.
“Two girls or two guys?” Gerard was asking, leaning his elbows on his knees and leaning right forward. I heard Frank let out a low growl from beside me and I squeezed his hand.
“I was under the impression that there was a no-questions rule,” I said meekly, but we all knew it was useless because I was outnumbered five to one and I had easily drunk more than anybody else in the room. God, I’m such a slut.
“I think I speak for every man in the universe when I say that you have to tell us all about it,” Frank grinned. I had a shred of hope that maybe this subject would make him uncomfortable and he would make them drop it, but nope.
I sighed. “Okay, fine.” There was an audible intake of breath and I could feel their attention on me. Fucking perverts. I sighed again. “It was in the last year of my undergrad. I went out with my friend Emma and she really wanted to get on this guy in a bar but he didn’t seem too interested. Whilst I was in the bathroom she propositioned him with a threesome and when I got back I was far too drunk to argue so we went back to his place, and...” I tailed off, making twirling gestures with my hands so I didn’t have to elaborate any more. This seemed sufficient, judging by their beaming faces.
“Well,” Ray grinned. “I certainly didn’t expect to be learning that about you tonight, Daisy.” Ever the gentleman.
“Yes, it’s very...interesting,” Bob agreed, nodding and swigging at his beer.
“It’s fucking hot,” Frank whispered into my ear, causing shivers to race the length of my spine.
“I have never had sex outside,” Ray announced. Gerard took a shot of Coke.
I rolled my eyes. “God damn.” Vodka, this time. I winced as it burnt my throat.
“Shit, Frank, this chick is filth,” Mikey slurred.
Frank chuckled and held my hand tighter. “Time to get you to bed, love, I think,” he whispered in my ear as he pulled me slowly up from the couch. I chuckled and stumbled into him, wrapping my arms around his neck lazily and touching my lips to the skin of his throat. I felt him give a low mumble, the vibrations of his vocal chords tickling my numb lips. “Come on, Daisy. Later, guys.”
They replied with a unified grumble and Frank led us into the cold night and into a taxi.
Once back in the hotel we wasted absolutely no time in getting down to business. I had him pinned against the door to our room before he had even fished the keys out of his pocket, slamming him against the hard wood so hard he gave a groan. As he fumbled with the lock, I fumbled with his belt, our lips still locked against each others.
“Not in the hallway, Dais,” he muttered, his words lost in my mouth as the door finally opened behind him and I shoved him inside, slamming it to a close behind us, stepping out of my shoes, pulling his jeans down and pushing him backwards onto the bed in one fluid motion. “Oh, fuck, Daisy,” he moaned, making the final efforts to kick his jeans onto the floor. His hands lowered from my waist onto my thighs, bare as my skirt rose somewhere around my middle.
I gave a short gasp at his cold touch as he caressed the not-so-supple flesh of my inner thighs but I was certainly not complaining. I tugged at his t-shirt and he wriggled out of it and I ran my fingers along his bare chest and he groaned and he kept teasing me on the thighs so I groaned too, as I planted feverish kisses along his collarbone. I actually kissed so much that my lips began to swell and ache but soon they were back onto Frank’s as if he were kissing them better.
Then he stopped messing around and slid a curled finger into me and it caught me off guard so I let out another short gasp of pleasure and threw my head back. Without even realising I had managed to get myself into a position where I was straddling his waist and leaning down to his face so I began to nibble on his earlobes and stroke the bulge of his boxers until his breathing began to turn ragged.
He pulled his finger out of me with such speed that I gave another moan and returned my face to him, asking silently why he stopped.
“Fuck me,” he whispered simply, and I was more than happy to shed the remainder of our clothes and oblige and then before I knew it I was falling asleep naked in his arms for the third night running.
Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
I really really need to get some work done while Frank’s at band practise because lord knows I won’t get any done while he’s around to distract me.
I just can’t get enough of him. It’s as if I’m an addict and he is my dealer of love as a substance. Everything about him turns me on but really I know that this is more than lust. This is something much deeper. I know because I am no stranger to lust. I have felt lust before. But there is something else here which is alien to me and it must be love, love, love.
So, let’s get down to brass tax. Quite literally, I might add. The client has been overpaying tax by 16% of a £50,000 salary, which should normally be taxed a rate of Frank’s hair is so soft, like a rabbit. I could run my fingers through it all day...
No, Daisy! Work! Okay. The client should be paying income tax no more than twenty percent of I could completely drown in those hazel eyes, I could look at them until the cows come home and then I would say FUCK OFF COWS CAN’T YOU SEE I AM IN LOVE?
Jesus Christ.
Clearly I am getting nothing done today.
Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
Another late night last night, another steaming headache this morning. Another day of pretending to get some work done whilst actually letting my mind wander to naughty thoughts of Frank.
Deciding that a bath was most definitely necessary to clear my mind, I ran myself a hot one and sank deep into the bubbles. I managed to tune the shower radio into Classic FM and I guess I must have fallen into a light doze at some point because I came around upon hearing a door slam. Didn’t I lock that door? Somebody is about to see me naked. God damn. Calm down, Daisy, it is probably just Frank.
“Hello?” I called from the bathroom, making a desperate attempt to cover my modesty with the remaining clouds of bubble bath, just in case it was freaking Tony again. Beethoven turned to Bach. “Frank?”
The bathroom door swung open and Frank looked very pleased with himself as he took in the scene. “Well hello,” he grinned, already beginning to remove his shoes and trousers and shirt. “Mind if I join you?”
Not that it would have made a difference if I had said yes. I rolled my eyes but I was smiling as I shuffled forwards, making a space for Frank to slot himself into the massive tub behind me. It was easily big enough for two people. In fact, it was probably designed for two people because, let’s be fair, this is a very romantic hotel and all people do in romantic hotels is fuck. I mean, make love.
“Fuck this water is hot,” Frank gasped as he submerged, and almost instantly I could feel his erection pressed against the small of my back. I raised my eyebrows and turned around to face him, questioning him silently. “Fuck off,” he grinned, kissing my neck. “What do you expect when I’m sharing a hot bath with a sexy naked girl?”
I blushed a little, despite hating myself for it. But I didn’t say anything because Frank’s warm hands were cupping my breasts and I couldn’t really think about anything else at the present moment. My back arched until my head was resting on his shoulder but he just continued to massage them.
“Ben and Jerry sure are alert today,” he commented, tweaking my nipples slightly and making me groan in a highly unladylike fashion. I planted a fleeting kiss on his neck. But he carried on caressing me. Not in a lustful way, either. In a very sensual way. He was making no attempt to stick any parts of himself into any parts of myself. He was just exploring my naked form. And it was amazing. It made me feel good in so many different ways but eventually I just wanted him, so I took him by the hand and placed his fingers on my thighs. He seemed to receive the message loud and clear as he slowly pushed a digit inside me, causing me to elicit a breathy, high-pitched squeak which caught us both a little off guard and so we laughed it off. It felt wonderful to be so comfortable and intimate with somebody.
As Frank continued, I began to stroke a finger up and down his erection whilst planting tiny little kisses along his neck. I could feel him smiling against my face.
“Daisy,” he whispered, his breath hot against my ear, tickling me all the way down to my coccyx. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
I froze. Not out of horror but out of shock. A wonderful, pleasant shock that caused my skin to tingle all over. I turned around ungraciously to face him, sloshing water over the side of the near-full tub as I did so. “Do you really mean that?” I asked in a small voice.
The smile on his face was unlike any other smile I had ever seen before in my whole life. “Absolutely,” he replied, kissing me softly on the lips.
“Oh,” I replied lamely. OH?! YOU ARE AN IDIOT. TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM DAISY. TELL HIM YOU ALWAYS HAVE. KISS HIM. NOW. I laughed at my own awkwardness and landed a soft kiss on his lips. “I think I might be falling in love with you, too.” It was a sad admission, though, because we both knew we only really had one day left together. Neither of us mentioned it for now though. We just rested our foreheads against one another and looked at each other and grinned big dumb grins.
Maybe this is the happiest I’ve ever been.
Thursday, November 10th, 2005
Last day last day last day with Frank. Fuuuuck. We tried to make it count but everything we did had a morbid undertone. Nothing could change the fact that love, love will tear us apart. Sigh. At various points in the day I just clung onto Frank like I never wanted to let him go. Which I didn’t, of course.
I attended band practice today, just so I could spend as much time with him as possible. The other members were nothing but nice to me. Gerard and Mikey even came and sat with me whilst Frank and Ray discussed something about guitars.
“He really cares about you, you know?” Gerard told me, placing an awkward hand on my shoulder.
I nodded. “I know. Makes it that much harder.”
He sighed and pulled me into a fully-fledged hug. “Oh Daisy. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now.”
“I’m feeling like I want to throw myself under a bus,” I replied. Mikey appeared startled by this revelation, his eyes widening like saucers. “But I won’t,” I added, for his benefit. Which only seemed to reassure him a little bit. “It’s just all so...blah.”
Gerard nodded wisely. “Yeah, it is.”
I shrugged his arm further around my shoulders and rested my head on his chest. “Why does it have to be so hard?” I sighed. “I thought love was meant to be all sunshine and rainbows.”
Gerard gave an abrupt laugh. A ‘ha!’ of understanding. “It never is,” he told me. “It’s fucking horrible.”
Mikey nodded knowingly and I couldn’t help but smile at him. He is so adorable, I just want to carry him around in my pocket or something. I imagine he would make a good pet. Doesn’t look like he’d eat too much and he seems quite hygienic. Listen to yourself, Daisy, you are talking absolute nonsense. Get a grip woman.
“You will be okay,” Gerard smiled weakly, rubbing my shoulder. “It may not seem like it right now, or tomorrow, or for some time afterwards, but in the end you will be okay. I mean, it’s only Frank.”
I let out a short laugh. I like Gerard. He is sweet and funny and wonderfully insane. “Thanks, Gerard,” I said through a half-smile.
“Call me Gee,” he grinned, giving me a quick wink before whipping a cigarette and a lighter from his pocket and heading off into the direction of the back door. Mikey followed like a lost kitten. I was sitting alone for all of twelve seconds before Frank heaved down beside me, smelling like tobacco and vanilla and loveliness.
“Hey you,” he said quietly, nudging my shoulder with his before placing his chin on it.
“Hey,” I replied softly, searching for his hand with mine. We found one another and entwined our fingers. There was a long silence, interrupted only with sporadic bouts of swearing coming from the general direction of Gerard. “I’m going to miss you,” I said, even though there was no need.
He sighed and rubbed his fingers along the back of my palm. “I’m going to miss you too, kid.”
This is closest we ever really got to discussing our future and it seemed pretty clear that there would not be one. And maybe that’s okay. I’ve just got to come to accept it and appreciate the times that we have spent together. The amazing week we’ve had. Hopefully one day I can feel love like this again.
Oh who the fuck am I kidding? I wanted to cry. I wanted to say fuck everything and board that plane back to New Jersey with them tomorrow. But I can’t. So it looks like this is goodbye.
We didn’t have sex tonight because we both knew it would only make our separation worse. But it’s not like we got an early night, either. We lay in a tight embrace all night, one of us occasionally drifting off for a few moments before awakening again to a soft kiss. It was too much.
“Hey,” Frank whispered in the darkness. I guessed it was somewhere around 3am. “Are you crying?”
No,” I replied, despite this being a blatant lie. My tears were falling onto his bare chest and he let out a long sigh.
“Please don’t cry on my account, Diz,” he said softly, kissing the top of my head.
“I can’t help it,” I sniffed, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand before placing it back around his waist. “I just don’t know what to do.”
We didn’t speak again after that and finally I fell into a fitful, dreamless sleep.