Get Off Your Knees

Danny’s hand nearly shook as he started out that letter with such a simple heading.

Dear Benjamin,

It shocked him that he was becoming so rattled by the mere thought of this letter he knew he had to write. It also pained him to know that he even had to write it, let alone do the act of it.

I don’t know why I ever took you back. That was obviously a huge mistake. You’re obviously still as big a twat as you were before.

He knew that every word he was writing was true and exactly what he wanted to tell Ben, but it was such a difficult thing to write.

You really are rotten. You’re a god damned poison, but somehow I keep surviving. I must have one hell of a good doctor to constantly survive your deadly poisons.

Why do you keep doing this to me? You say you love me, and I thought I loved you too, but I don’t know how much more of this cheating I can take. Just give me a fucking excuse other than alcohol. It can’t be alcohol every single fucking time. There has to be more to it. Have I done something? Or have I not done something that I should have, and that’s why you keep being a dick? I'm begging you, just give me one other reason, and maybe I'll regret being this much of a bitch.

Danny was never very good at being subtle, and sometimes that got him into trouble. Maybe this time it would too, but he couldn’t afford to be subtle. He’d sugar coated his anger so many times before to Ben, and look where that got him. Right back where he started, trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. He’s also trying to figure out how to stay sane through all of this, though, and that was nearly tearing him apart.

Over and over again, this goes on. We’re doing fucking fantastic, you cheat again, we fight, I forgive you, I’m hesitant, then eventually we’re doing great again. But then you cheat and the cycle goes on and mother fucking on. I just can’t deal with this anymore. I can’t deal with this pain anymore. I can’t carry on this way anymore.

Fucking hell. I hate how well our songs fit to our love lives. It’s fucking nauseating to play them anymore because they just remind me of you and how poisonous you are. I mean, fucking hell Ben. A Lesson Never Learned right now is all mother fucking you. You haven’t learned your lesson, apparently.

God damn it. I might as well just fucking sing that song to you right now. That’s basically all I want to say to you anyways.

Sometimes I really do feel like I’m wasting my life away by being with you. I could be with someone that respects me as a partner. I could be with someone that’s not a cheating twat. I could be with anyone else but you. But no. For some God forsaken reason, I’m still with you.

But I don’t know, Ben. If things don’t change, I might not be with you. It’s up to you. It’s time to choose.

Are you with me or are you on your own?

Love (Because I’m an idiot and I do still love you),
Danny

He couldn’t believe how soft he’d gotten. He’s meant to be stern all the way through this damned letter. He wasn’t supposed to sugar coat things anymore. He was supposed to show Ben his options and fuck all niceness.

But that is what he did, essentially. He showed Ben his options and told him his feelings. He said what he needed to be said and didn’t sugar coat things. He just didn’t cyanide coat things either.

“But I’m not the poisonous one anyways,” Danny mumbled to himself as he folded his letter and sealed it in an envelope. “You are Ben. You’re the cyanide.”