Status: On Hold.
I Am...
Five
"Oh my god he's so cute" My friend Amber says, pointing to the new guy at our school as we sit at our usual lunch table outside. "Totally" My best friend Noel agrees with her, looking the guy up and down. "What do you think Whit?" She asks me, using the nickname she's called me since we were four years old. I pause and pretend to check the guy out for a second. "Uh yeah I guess he's hot" I manage to get out, fighting a wave of nausea in my head. "Not" I think inside my head as I watch them continue to oogle the poor guy.
If only they knew what I was really thinking on the inside. They'll never know, though. Never know one of the things that makes me who I am. Never know that I've been pretending to be happy for all these years now. Never know why all my "relationships" seem to end as soon as they started. I mentally laugh at those "relationships". They've never been relationships. Not to me or the guy involved.
See, I "date" gay guys. Guys who are scared to come out. Won't come out. Can't come out. Who, like me, just want to fit in. We would always make a pact to not ever tell anyone the truth and then proceed to "date" for a few weeks. We lived up to our parts well. The hand holding and kissing didn't bother me, considering we both prefered the same sex. It wasn't like we walked around making out. I never had to make up any fake sex stories either. See, none of my friends are virgins. Also, none of my friends have any problem discussing their sex lives, either. So when they began to question why I never talked about mine, I made up a lie, saying it was against my morals to have sex before marriage. They never questioned me on the subject again. I managed to fool them. I still am.
I hate this. Despise this. Can't take this anymore. I hate having to pretend that I find the opposite sex to be attractive. Having to play along with all my friends so I'll continue to fit in, forfeiting the possibility of love in the process. Having to live my life a lie. I realized I liked girls when I was in middle school, but never acted on it until a year ago, when I was a sophomore. Throughout middle school, I tried to deny my sexuality. I guess you could say I tried to turn myself straight. By the time I entered high school, I realized that I was born this way and nothing could change that. Sophomore year was when I got my first and only girlfriend. Her name was Annabelle and she was a new student that year. My friends thought she was weird and couldn't understand why I talked to her, but they didn't care too much as long as she didn't hang out around them. They never suspected we might be more than friends.
She finally broke it off in the end, realizing that we could never be an open couple. It hurt me so bad, but I understood. I wanted to come out. I truly did, but I couldn't. I still can't. Won't. Not when my friends constantly make fun of homosexuals. They think gay guys are adorable, they're friends with most of the out one's at our school, but lesbians...that's a whole different story. There are at least ten out gay girls at our school. They make fun of most of them. Call the ones who have short hair dykes. Call the one's who dress like guys sexually confused. There are two girly lesbians in our school and for some reason, they say less mean things about them. I don't know if it's because they look different or if it's because they are two of the nicest people I have ever met. I've even caught Noel talking to one or the other numerous times throughout the years. Yet even with them, my friends still occasionally say things. An example is "I don't see why that guy's trying to flirt with her, doesn't he know she's a fag?"
By them doing these things, I have officially became scared to come out to anybody. Aside from the people I've "dated" only four people know. My mother, sister, Annabelle, and Brian, one of the gay guys my friends love to death. He swore not to say anything to them, though. I trust him to keep his promise. He knows what it's like better than anyone. When he came out last year, every single one of his friends turned on him. They thought it would make them gay too if they were seen with him. Sometimes, I really can't stand people's ignorance. Hate. Bigotry. It's all bullshit. We're all humans. We all have our own hearts. Our own minds. That doesn't seem to matter to some people, though. To some people we're just a disgusting group who needs to be eliminated from the earth's population.
I break out of my deep thought and look up to see everybody staring at me. "What?" I ask. "We were just trying to rate that guys ass over there" My friend Jasmine says, pointing. "I say a 10, Noel says 9, Amber and Becca both say 7, and Brian says 9.5" God, it never fucking ends does it? I sigh, trying not to show my annoyance. I turn and pretend to study the guy. "8" I hear myself say. They all seem to be happy with the answer and go back to talking. I look up and see Brian giving me a knowing look and a sad smile. Maybe one day, things will be different, but for now I'm stuck hiding. From them. From myself. From my lifestyle. From love. Who knows when I'll ever come out of hiding. If I ever will.
After all, I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
If only they knew what I was really thinking on the inside. They'll never know, though. Never know one of the things that makes me who I am. Never know that I've been pretending to be happy for all these years now. Never know why all my "relationships" seem to end as soon as they started. I mentally laugh at those "relationships". They've never been relationships. Not to me or the guy involved.
See, I "date" gay guys. Guys who are scared to come out. Won't come out. Can't come out. Who, like me, just want to fit in. We would always make a pact to not ever tell anyone the truth and then proceed to "date" for a few weeks. We lived up to our parts well. The hand holding and kissing didn't bother me, considering we both prefered the same sex. It wasn't like we walked around making out. I never had to make up any fake sex stories either. See, none of my friends are virgins. Also, none of my friends have any problem discussing their sex lives, either. So when they began to question why I never talked about mine, I made up a lie, saying it was against my morals to have sex before marriage. They never questioned me on the subject again. I managed to fool them. I still am.
I hate this. Despise this. Can't take this anymore. I hate having to pretend that I find the opposite sex to be attractive. Having to play along with all my friends so I'll continue to fit in, forfeiting the possibility of love in the process. Having to live my life a lie. I realized I liked girls when I was in middle school, but never acted on it until a year ago, when I was a sophomore. Throughout middle school, I tried to deny my sexuality. I guess you could say I tried to turn myself straight. By the time I entered high school, I realized that I was born this way and nothing could change that. Sophomore year was when I got my first and only girlfriend. Her name was Annabelle and she was a new student that year. My friends thought she was weird and couldn't understand why I talked to her, but they didn't care too much as long as she didn't hang out around them. They never suspected we might be more than friends.
She finally broke it off in the end, realizing that we could never be an open couple. It hurt me so bad, but I understood. I wanted to come out. I truly did, but I couldn't. I still can't. Won't. Not when my friends constantly make fun of homosexuals. They think gay guys are adorable, they're friends with most of the out one's at our school, but lesbians...that's a whole different story. There are at least ten out gay girls at our school. They make fun of most of them. Call the ones who have short hair dykes. Call the one's who dress like guys sexually confused. There are two girly lesbians in our school and for some reason, they say less mean things about them. I don't know if it's because they look different or if it's because they are two of the nicest people I have ever met. I've even caught Noel talking to one or the other numerous times throughout the years. Yet even with them, my friends still occasionally say things. An example is "I don't see why that guy's trying to flirt with her, doesn't he know she's a fag?"
By them doing these things, I have officially became scared to come out to anybody. Aside from the people I've "dated" only four people know. My mother, sister, Annabelle, and Brian, one of the gay guys my friends love to death. He swore not to say anything to them, though. I trust him to keep his promise. He knows what it's like better than anyone. When he came out last year, every single one of his friends turned on him. They thought it would make them gay too if they were seen with him. Sometimes, I really can't stand people's ignorance. Hate. Bigotry. It's all bullshit. We're all humans. We all have our own hearts. Our own minds. That doesn't seem to matter to some people, though. To some people we're just a disgusting group who needs to be eliminated from the earth's population.
I break out of my deep thought and look up to see everybody staring at me. "What?" I ask. "We were just trying to rate that guys ass over there" My friend Jasmine says, pointing. "I say a 10, Noel says 9, Amber and Becca both say 7, and Brian says 9.5" God, it never fucking ends does it? I sigh, trying not to show my annoyance. I turn and pretend to study the guy. "8" I hear myself say. They all seem to be happy with the answer and go back to talking. I look up and see Brian giving me a knowing look and a sad smile. Maybe one day, things will be different, but for now I'm stuck hiding. From them. From myself. From my lifestyle. From love. Who knows when I'll ever come out of hiding. If I ever will.
After all, I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.