Six Feet Under the Stars

There was a loud clap of thunder that made me jump an inch or two off of the seat cushion. It took me a few moments to realize it was only a knock at the door.

Resting a gentle hand on my tense shoulder, Jack squeezed and then said observantly, “A little jumpy, Sinclair.”

He left my side felt his way through the black room and over to the entrance. An audible sound indicated the opening of a door and then the voices of Rian and Zack joined the conglomeration of agitated speech inside the hotel room. Caitlyn was nearing a panic attack as she rambled on about her lifelong fear of the dark which had never been revealed before the great storm. As she sniffled, Alex tried his best to comfort his ex-girlfriend though I could see he was getting a little annoyed with the overdramatics.

Rian’s smile reflected brightly even in the dim lighting. “Hey, roadie. Haven’t seen you in a long while. Hopefully you weren’t the one who blew out the power fuse.”

I shrugged, “Guilty. I was charging my cellphone.”

“Damn. Come on, girl.”

Laughing, I made my way to the kitchen just as Rian turned to greet Caitlyn with a one-arm hug. Despite the frazzled atmosphere, I decided to take charge and form an action plan to create some direction in the scattered group. Relying only on my sense of touch, I scoured the smooth kitchen cabinets trying to locate a flashlight or at least candle to provide light.

Fishing through ruddy plates and chinking through glassware, I located a flashlight tucked in the back corner between a dishpan and a blender. I tried to reach it on tip-toes but couldn’t get a firm grasp, so I decided to climb onto the countertop for a makeshift ladder instead. Suddenly, I wish I hadn’t put off those rock climbing lessons at the gym.

“Careful.” Alex warned from behind me, leaning a hip on the doorjamb. I had a feeling that he had been watching me for a while and though his posture was seemingly relaxed to an untrained eye, he seemed more on edge than he was willing to show. A sly smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth which momentarily distracted me from my scavenger hunt.

Steadying myself on cool marble counter, I replied evenly, “Thanks, I think I got it,” before shifting towards the shelves again. My concentration was split between my task and Alex standing only five feet away from me. As I nearly lost my balance, he was there with a hand on the small of my back to steady me.

“Maybe I should get it for you.” Alex suggested tugging at my T-shirt to help me down from the counter.

In turn, I scrunched a handful of his shirt fabric as he lowered me to safety. I could feel the steady beat of his heart under my fingers. Without complaint, I accepted the help and watched Alex athletically jump up and lithely maneuver through the maze of dishware to pull out the flashlight.

“Could have gotten it myself,” I mumbled though was secretly impressed by the swiftness of his actions and the way he conducted his body. It rang with the bittersweet reminder of the one night we had shared sprawled out on the forest floor, bodies moving in rhythm. I boxed these thoughts up in a mental file labeled, ‘Dangerous Thinking Ground’ and shoved them away.

Alex snorted loudly, “That’s bullshit. You would have fallen and broken your arm.”

“I’m not that fragile; I drink milk.”

“Creamer in coffee doesn’t count,” he smugly reminded me.

I crossed my arms over my chest defensively, “Damn it, Alex.”

“Sorry, I guess I’m not supposed to talk about your addiction. But just so you know I’m staging an intervention once the lights come back on. Don’t be surprised if I start crying.”

“Yeah, if they ever come back on,” I told him, rolling my eyes.

With a click, the flashlight shone on casting our unfamiliar settings into shadow parodies of the standard kitchen. Just as easily, however, the lightbulb sputtered out casting the two of us back into darkness. Alex rapped the object against his palm a number of times, “Dead batteries.”

“Well, shit.” I shifted weight from one foot to the other.

“Did I see some light coming out of here?” Rian cheerfully asked as his dark figure entered the kitchen in confident strides. After the burst of light earlier from the flashlight, my eyes were readjusting to the black embracing us.

“For about a second,” Alex told his band mate. “They burnt out. You know, the hotel staff should really check the emergency supplies after a while in case of a freak storm like this. Seems like it should be mandatory.”

Rian took a seat on the countertop next to me. “Well, what now?”

I chewed on my lip as I thought. “I remember seeing batteries down in the gift shop in the lobby when I went down there with Jack the other day. Maybe if we go down there they’ll have some we can buy for the flashlight.”

“You don’t think they’ll sell them to us?”

I shrugged, “Their system is probably down with the lights. If we leave cash I’m sure it won’t be a problem.”

“I only have a debit card,” Rian told me, patting the front pockets of his jeans. “Cash just seems like a lot to tote around these days.”

“Well, some of us are survivalists.” When Alex spoke, I was surprised to realize he was standing so close to me; I could almost feel his breath on my face. I took a side-step away. “Paper money is great for these sorts of situations. You never know when you might need it for a lottery ticket. Plus, didn’t any of you guys read ‘Hatchet’? That badass lit money for a campfire.”

With a deep breath, Rian sounded enlightened. “I can’t decide whether I’m more shocked that you said ‘paper money’ or that you’ve actually read a book.”

Though Alex chuckled, I could see a familiar theme emerging. People always assumed that the singer was unintelligent just because of his profession. Honestly, the conversations about philosophy and politics Alex and I had shared when we had first gotten to know each other had been some of the most stimulating discussions in my life. Much more than a lot of the college graduates I knew that only memorized test answers and drilled facts for a letter grade. It amazed me that so many people could underestimate Alex Gaskarth.

I didn’t make that mistake.

The three of us left the kitchen and rejoined the group in the family room. Caitlyn had taken shelter on Zack’s arm now and weepily hid her face in his sweatshirt. Across the room, Jack looked bored out of his mind, staring into space. The slightly lost expression on his face was sort of endearing in an off kilter way.

“Any luck?” asked Zack, looking slightly unsure of how to take care of the woman hanging miserably on his shoulder. His eyes looked at Alex pleadingly as if telling him to reclaim his ex-girlfriend.

Instead, Alex only said, “We have a plan.” I cleared my throat audibly. “Okay. Melanie has a plan. The two of us are going to brave the dark hotel for some batteries. You people better appreciate it.”

I wasn’t sure when my tentative plan had included Alex and I running down together, but I didn’t question it. Instead, I tried to make my face neutral and unreadable as Jack scanned it for a reaction of some sort.

Caitlyn piped up from against Zack’s shoulder. Her voice sounded creaky from either disuse or the constant crying. “How long will it take you? I don’t know how much more of this I can stand. I’m going crazy just sitting here.”

“Turn your phone on for light,” suggested Alex with the simplicity of a man. He wasn’t trying to be unsympathetic, just stating the most obvious solution to the problem at hand. However, his voice sounded a tad more snarky than usual. I held back a grin by biting my lip.

“You look a little nervous, Melanie. Need me to come with you?” Somehow Jack had crossed the room during the ex-couple’s exchange and was by my side resting a gentle hand on my arm. He looked at me meaningfully but I couldn’t decode the message he was trying to communicate.

With the renewed commotion in the room, no one noticed when I squeezed Jack’s fingers with mine, “I’ll be okay. The dark never scared me too much. It’s only a few flights of steps and then we should be home-free.”

Jack laughed softly, “Sounds like a jail break.”

“It is in a way.”

“Just promise me you’ll be careful.” As if his words revealed too much, Jack hastily added a sarcastic comment, “Make sure your shoes are tied. I don’t want you to trip and break your neck.”

“Thanks… I think. It shouldn’t be too terrible and we’ll be back with light before you know it.” The sarcasm of Jack’s earlier words confused me. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if he was truly watching out for my safety or if he just wanted me as a punch line to another joke.

As I made to move away, Jack reminded me, “You never did promise.”

I laughed and told him quietly, “I don’t need to promise. All you should know is that I’ll make it back for a second date with you.”

The statement made Jack’s eyes light up in the dark room like he could be our group’s personal flashlight. I had no doubt in my mind that if his best friend wasn’t in close proximity with a room full of witnesses, that Jack would have kissed me right then and there. I shivered pranced down my spine with missed opportunity and rejuvenated curiosity.

On that note, Alex and I left the drama behind us and ventured into the abyss before us. The halls were creepy with no movement or cheery lights to bring happiness. The only source of power was the gray sunlight filtering the two of us in washed silver. It felt like a haunted house set in a scary movie. I was waiting on pins and needles for the ax murderer to pop out one of the hallway corners.

With a loud pop, the stairwell door opened and Alex held it wide, “After you.” I nodded my head in thanks though wasn’t sure if he caught the motion in the shoddy lighting.

If the halls were dark, then the stairway was pitch black. I held a hand in front of my face and couldn’t see it. “Alex?” My voice ricocheted like splitting glass throughout the lonesome stairs.

There was no need for an answer or for me to voice further fears because Alex immediately understood. Groping sightlessly through the artificial night, his hand found mine and I crushed it in a viselike grip. Even after a sharp intake of breath, Alex allowed me to squash his fingers and even squeezed mine back so I would know he was there.

We took each step carefully and cautiously knowing we had about fourteen flights to go. Our shoes pattered on the metal only amplifying the loneliness of the descending stairs. After a while, Alex spoke up, “Everything alright?”

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“You’re avoiding the question.” He gently informed me. Even without seeing his facial features, I knew his lips were turned down in a pout and he was undoubtedly trying to find my eyes.

“Caitlyn’s nice,” I told him innocently. “But you shouldn’t let her talk to you like she did about the baby. She shouldn’t be trying to guilt you at all. It’s her damn fault she got pregnant.”

In unison, we took another step down as Alex laughed somewhat bitterly, “She’s right though. The baby’s not my responsibility. But I can’t help feeling… responsible.”

“Just because you were on tour doesn’t mean that she had the go-ahead to sleep around. If she was feeling lonely then she should have talked to you about it before jumping into the nearest laundromat owner’s bed.”

“What about the discount on drying cycles?”

I sighed in frustration, “This is serious, Alex. I’m trying to have a discussion with you about her. All you people do is joke around. First Jack, and now you.”

Just as we reached the landing for floor seven indicating the halfway marker, Alex gave an echoing hoot of laughter without humor. “I’m not blind, you know. You and Jack have something going on together which is totally fucked up in my opinion.”

In rage, I compressed his hand even harder hoping to inflict pain, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Jack and I are just good friends.”

Truthfully, I didn’t know what Jack was to me. The two of us had foolishly thought our budding relationship could be kept from Alex’s eyes but had obviously overestimated his observation skills. Still, I was determined not to discuss this avenue of my life with Alex for several reasons. The heart the singer had done a good job stomping on topped the list.

My mind kept flashing a warning of self-preservation at me as if screaming its wishes at the top of its lungs. Assuming a controlled exterior was essential to avoid the crushing of more of my feelings. I told myself that if I acted like Alex’s rejection didn’t bother me than it wouldn’t.

However, I kept waiting for that to be true.

“You’re not that great of a liar.”

I rolled my eyes, “Oh, really? Enlighten me, Gaskarth.”

“When all that bullshit with Dorian was going on, I knew something was up. Even when you made all of those fucking excuses I didn’t believe it. Everyone else lapped them right up like water. To quote the Beatles on this, ‘Living is easy with eyes closed.’ Those people didn’t want to look into anything or believe that the cheery façade you tried to pull off wasn’t the truth. But I saw through it.” Alex spoke fiercely and a glint of anger in his eyes flashed through the darkness.

My eyes felt wet and the already unrecognizable surroundings blurred even further, “Well, you win, Alex. You got the high score. Beat out everyone else. I hope you’re happy.”

With a great effort, I disentangled my fingers from his and subtly wiped at the tear streaks running down my face. I didn’t know why Alex’s speech had brought me to tears. Maybe it was the ring of truth to the words that stung or the bite of vehemence in his tone. Either way, I just hoped I would be done with this display of weakness by the time we reached the lobby.

“That’s the truth whether you want to hear it or not. Dorian was an asshole and it was good you got away from the bastard.” I listened with a stony expression on my face. “It’s scary as shit to think about how long it might have gone on if I didn’t see anything. I’m not trying to be mean, it’s just tough love.”

“Don’t act like you care about me,” I said suddenly feeling squirmy trapped in such close quarters with him. His presence was instantly suffocating. “I think… I think maybe you and Caitlyn deserve each other.”

Alex’s voice was sharp, “What are you saying?”

“I’m just… just saying that maybe you should continue seeing her. I think you’d be better together at the point you’re both at.”

“What, me in the middle of my career and her about to pop a baby out?” questioned Alex sounding as much outraged as he did shocked.

I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

The tears began to well up again because I realized that despite my bold words, I wasn’t ready to lose Alex for good. I wanted to laugh with him like we used to, go skinny dipping again, get tattoos together, and just be around him without all the bullshit attached. But right now we were at two different places. Moving in separate directions.

“You don’t mean that,” Alex accused quietly though he sounded confused himself.

In that instant, the lights flickered on fully again casting us into the florescent lighting of the stairwell, revealing what we hadn’t wanted the other to see: teardrops gliding down my face like the rain outside, and Alex’s outstretched hand reaching to reel me back in.

Just as quickly, the lights fuzzed out again and I made my reply to the darkness, “I think I do.”