Six Feet Under the Stars

Despite popular opinion, Alex Gaskarth did get hangovers.

When I awoke the next morning, Alex and I were still intertwined on the sofa and it took me a moment to remember how it had occurred. I didn’t want a repeat of the morning in Portland, waking up in his bed. The singer’s hair was drastically askew from the norm. He crossed his arms sternly, furrowed his brow, and blew a strand from tickling his nose.

My body shook with soft laughter, “And you don’t get hangovers, right?”

“This isn’t one… it’s just a headache,” He denied trying to ignore the painful pulse in his brain and stretched long arms out in front of him.

“Really?” I raised an eyebrow and nudged his arm with my elbow. We both had goose bumps from the frigid air conditioner blowing continuously throughout the night. “So if I were to open the blinds over there…”

Alex became more rigid in posture, “You wouldn’t…”

“Just admit that you have a hangover and I won’t have to resort to sun torture. It’s a simple request when you think about it,” I prodded him a second time and stifled a yawn with the arm of my sweater.

“I really don’t think you’ll do it,” Alex told me slinking down farther towards the stiff couch pillows.

“Doubting me?”

“Well, it’s pretty comfortable here.” We were situated quite relaxing together: My head against Alex’s shoulder, playing with the fabric of his T-shirt. The singer was holding onto my hip firmly so I wouldn’t tumble off the sofa. But his fingers weren’t all business; they grazed the exposed skin above the waistline of my jeans in absentminded circles. “I don’t think you’ll want to move.”

Alex was right.

I sighed and pressed a few fingers to his mouth, “Shut up, Gaskarth.”

With a laugh, he removed my hand and continued to hold it even after the fact, “Struck a chord with you? “An infuriatingly sly smirk twisted his lips.

I avoided the question. “Even if you don’t admit it, I know you have a hangover.”

“You are so difficult, girl.” An animalistic gleam shone in his eyes as he nuzzled closer to me.

I swallowed loudly, “Alex…” His lips were dangerously close to the sensitive skin of my neck making it hard for me to pay attention to anything else.

“Mmm?”

“Nothing.” I figured that laying next to each other wasn’t crossing a line. But if things went much farther on the hotel couch, it was going to force me to make quick decisions I wasn’t prepared to deal with. “What’s on the agenda for today?”

“It’s Caitlyn’s last day. I think she wants to do some sight-seeing and look around the city for a while,” Alex raised his eyes to mine and didn’t realize how attractive he looked to me amidst his morning disorder. “She really liked Seattle last time she was here.”

“That’s nice,” I spoke levelly. But God, did I want to kiss him.

Alex shrugged and looked off towards the other side of the room, “I guess. She might want to leave earlier because… I’m going to tell her that I don’t want to date her. I don’t mind helping her out financially or in friendship, but I don’t want her.”

My heart beat overtime, “Uh huh.”

“You probably think I’ve been an ass all this time, and really I have. But there was just so much going on that I couldn’t focus on anything. It wasn’t only with Caitlyn. There was the tour and all the scheduling. I just needed to take a step back for a while,” His fingers playing with the smooth skin on my hip succeeded in raising goose bumps.

Not so subtly, I removed his hand from my curves and pulled the crocheted blanket over me fully. It seemed almost like a fruitless effort because my limbs were already so wrapped up in Alex’s. Keeping a poker face during the conversation was the most difficult task I was faced with in quite some time. My insides were jumbled, like broken Legos, and I wasn’t sure what exactly I was feeling. There was only confusion.

Finally, I managed a lame reply, “Well, people always need a break some time.”

“You don’t seem like yourself,” Alex looked quite perturbed by this fact. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m fine. Really, Alex.”

But even as I spoke the lie, my eyes travelled across the room towards the bedroom Jack occupied. The door was shut tightly, quite the opposite from what I recalled from the night before. I realized that Jack must have walked in late last night and seen Alex and I snuggled together on the sofa before going into his room. Guilt seeped into my system as easily as a drug.

Alex followed my line of vision and his eyes hardened, “Oh, okay. Jack. I get it.”

Suddenly, the band member was kicking the covers off of him and athletically maneuvering over me. He padded across the floor and into the kitchen away from the living room. Sighing loudly, I sat on the end of the couch and held my face in my hands. “Alex?”

He ignored me for a good thirty seconds before I followed after him in the adjoining room. The singer was holding onto either side of the sink staring at the blank wall in front of him. An open bottle of aspirin rested precariously on the edge of the counter. Popping a pill into his mouth, Alex took a gulp of water to wash down the medication, keeping his back to me.

“So, you won’t even listen to me now?” I asked annoyed.

“I can’t even think right now. My head is compressing on itself, and all I want is for it to stop so I can think for five seconds,” explained Alex painfully. He drummed his fingers in rhythm as a distraction from everything else.

“No, you’re mad at me.” I accused him, crossly.

“No, I’m not, Melanie.” He denied through slightly clenched teeth. The amount of tension in his body was radiating in waves off of him.

I took a few steps forward, “It’d be better if you just yelled at me. Or just go ahead and chuck some pans around the room at me.”

My attempt at humor fell flat as Alex replied, “I don’t want to yell at you. I don’t want to throw anything either. I’m not Dorian.”

Those words stung with bitter truth. “No. No you’re not.” The complete contrast between my ex-boyfriend and Alex seemed to take all the built up fury out of me.

Alex turned down another avenue, “If you want to date Jack it’s okay.”

Those were words I had never thought I would hear coming from Alex’s mouth. The sadness of his eyes was overwhelming, but I could tell his offer was honest. Alex was humbling his feelings for me, compromising what he wanted for the happiness of his best friend and the girl he yearned to be with. Another dimension of Alex Gaskarth seemed to unfold before me.

“You wouldn’t mind?” I probed cautiously.

“Of course I’ll mind. It’s not going to be easy. Seeing you with him is going to be fucking hard. Melanie, you don’t realize what I feel for you. Honestly, I’ve never been like this with another girl. And it scares the shit out of me. You scare the shit out of me.”

I raised a curious eyebrow, “I’m scary?”

“You don’t know what you can hold over people. This is all up to you. My feelings are in the palm of your hand. And whichever way you choose, I won’t judge you on it. I’ll grin and bear it. I’ll accept it because I love the guy like my own brother. But I won’t be happy for you.”

His last statement cut me deeply and I couldn’t find a reply to verbalize my hurt.

Then Alex added, “I won’t be happy for you because I know you’ll be leaving behind what we have together. I think… I think what we have is real. You can go with Jack, but I won’t forget about this. It’ll be fucked up for you to be with anyone else.” His voice sounded ragged and worked up in emotion.

Sighing loudly, I raked a hand through my tangled hair, “Listen, I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I just don’t want to do this. You mean too much to me.”

“I do?” questioned Alex skeptically. It was one of the first times that I sensed vulnerability in the confident All Time Low front man.

“How can you think you don’t mean something to me?” I asked, taken aback.

My feelings for Alex were so strong that it was like they were being broadcast on a loudspeaker. The fire he could light in me and the way our relationship pushed the boundaries of our capabilities was a unique match I hadn’t found with anyone else.

But with Jack, I felt he was too worried about aspects that didn’t matter all the time. He was continually sweet and obviously had feelings for me. Every time I needed him he had been there for me, like my personal superhero. It felt safe and flawless with him. Our connection was perfect.

On the other hand, with Alex everything was spur-of-the-moment and exciting. There was a spark of chemistry between us even with our terrible first meeting when he had spilled wine on my shirt. The two of us had shared so many things together. He was also constantly irritating and getting under my skin. It always seemed like a test and a power play with Alex.

Suddenly, I could see how stupid and foolish I was being. I was being bull-headed and stubborn about complaining. Alex had to sort through his feelings with his ex-girlfriend; And wasn’t that what I had been doing between Alex and Jack? I was being a hypocrite.

True happiness shouldn’t be ruined by someone’s inflated pride. And pride in myself was keeping me from a truly beautiful relationship with a man that I had grown to care for. This flash of illumination came quite suddenly and right then and there I knew who I belonged with. The decision was almost automatic.

It was time for me to take a leap of faith.