Better Than Me

Tour had ended almost two weeks ago. And since then I'd hadn't seen or talked to Andy. Why one might ask? I'd made a horrible mistake on one of the last few days of our tour. I'd cheated on the boy I loved with a cheap whore.

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe

We'd been fighting that day and between the booze and anger, I didn't think. I'd managed to ruin almost six months of love and happiness in one drunken night. I'd hurt him so bad, I'd never seen anyone cry as hard as he did.

He wasn't even mad, just hurt. Devastated would be a better term. I was suppose to protect this boy; and make sure no one hurt him. He was my first and only love. Before I met him, I wasn't even sure I was capable of loving another person in a way that didn't involve being in between the sheets.

Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed

The rain outside hit the ground in heavy rain drops like bullets, fired from the heavens. The roar of thunder was the only sound my ringing ears heard, and the occasional lightning strikes as well as a dim bulb were the only source of light in my run down living room.

I'd never cried over anyone, boy or girl, until after him. I'm not a weak person, yet I find myself here on the couch, with my knees hugged up against my chest. Unable to even move.

Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you

Everything in this house made me think of him. The bed where I'd watched him fall asleep many nights. The kitchen where we'd eat dinner together. The living room where we'd fall asleep in each others arms watching scary movies. Even the bathroom where we'd take long showers until the water turned to ice.

But I remember
What it feels like beside you

But that is no more. They're only memories that haunt me now. His sweet voice no longer fills these silent rooms. His blue eyes no longer light up my world. I'm all alone now.

The thunder clashed outside, momentarily lighting up the room. A broken picture frame laid destroyed on the floor by the small in table. The glass cracked over the photograph of me holding him in my arms, laughing.

I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes

I hugged my knees to my chest and buried my face in them, letting out painful sobs. Maybe if I closed my eyes tight enough I could still see his porcelain silhouette behind my burning lids.

All I could see though were the clear crystals that fell from his sapphire eyes that night. Only the trembling of his lips as sobs shook his frail figure.

And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

I wrapped the blanket around me tighter. Some how it still smelled like him, or maybe it was just my mind playing cruel tricks on my senses.

I know in my heart he'd never forgive me. I can't even forgive me. A momentary lapse in judgment and morals had damned us both.

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took

New tears began to fall down the trails of the old. Not even a bottle of whiskey could calm this burning pain inside of my chest. I didn't know you could hurt so much mentally that it became physical.

This is what love feels like. Or the end result of it.

That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose

I'd do anything to get him back. I'd sell my soul to a devil I know doesn't exist. I'd pray to a God I don't beileve in, anything to get him back. To hold him again, kiss away his tears and ward off his demons.

I'll never get to do that again. Even when tour starts back, he'll just turn his head and hide the tears.

That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room

I'd never seen a night so cold, a rain so hard, or a sky so dark before. Then again I've never been up at these hours; alone. The digital clock read 1:49 am. Long past the time I should be awake.

I can't sleep without him curled up next to me though. I can't even breathe without his sweet scent to fill my lungs.

I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember

I heard a faint knock of a fist on wood. If I didn't know any better I would have thought it to be just thunder. Yet something in my bones told me to get up and walk over to the old door.

I thought my eyes to be liars when I saw his shaking figure in my door way.

What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face

Tears mixed with rain as they fell down his pale cheeks. His entire body was dripping with heaven's tears and his clothes were soaked clear through. His long raven black hair clung to his almost white skin as rain droplets fell of this razored tips that reached far past his shoulders.

"Andy?"

And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this

His lip quivered as new hot tears began to fall from those gorgeous eyes. I extended a hand to the freezing boy. His hand felt like ice as he hesitatingly took hold of it. Once again the thunder crashed causing his to draw in a sharp gasp as his body shook from cold, fear, and pain.

You deserve much better than me

My lips couldn't speak as I let him inside, closing the door behind him. He hugged himself, his teeth clattering. I placed the blanket around his thin shoulders and looked into those intoxicating eyes.

"You're soaked how long were you out there?" I asked quietly.

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over

"I-I don't know, a while" he chocked out.

"Why" I asked, resisting the urge to call him baby or honey.

"I-I was trying to decide i-if I wanted t-to see you ag-again" he sobbed.

And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure

We'd left each other on a night just like this. With rain pouring down and thundering booming. A night so cold both inside and out. And here we are again. Like an ironic twist of fate.

"I'm glad you decided to after all" I said in barely a whisper.

This can't be the end
I really miss your hair in my face

His body began to shake again as sobs escaped his lips. I couldn't restrain myself anymore as I pulled him into an embrace. My own shirt became soaked, but I didn't care. He clung to me tightly, falling to pieces in my arms.

"A-Ashley... I haven't stopped crying since we broke up"
"I haven't either" I admitted.

His crystal eyes looked up at me.
"Really?"
"Of course, Andy I made a horrible mistake, I love you more then I've ever loved anyone or anything"

And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this

"Ashley... don't do this to me" he begged.

"Andy, I'm sorry, being without you hurts so much, I can't stand it"
"I know.. this hurts more then the betrayal" he sobbed.

"Ashley... please hold me and sing me to sleep like you use to" he asked. I hadn't noticed it until now, but he looks like he hadn't slept in days.

You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face

"Of course I will" I said walking him over to the couch. He climbed into my lap, wrapping his arms around my neck. I wrapped the blanket around us and held onto him like my life depended on it.

"Andy I never stopped loving you"
"Ashley.."
"Shh..." I said placing my finger to his lips.

And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this

"I love you" he whispered. I felt my heart stop as the words reached my ears.

As the thunder crashed outside my lips met his. In that one kiss I could feel all the hurt and pain that he felt. All the want and need, all that we once had.

"Ashley I can't be without you" he cried.

"I can't be without you either"

You deserve much better than me

"I love you so much Andy, please forgive me, take me back I beg you" I pleaded. He bit his lips loving up at me, before nodding.

"Yes.. yes Ashley I will"

And I think you should know this

I kissed him with passion, lacing our fingers together and pressing his body against mine.
"Ashley..." he whispered.

"Yes love?"
"Please.... make me feel loved"

You deserve much better than me

"Of course baby" I said tucking a piece of hair behind his ear and picking him up, taking him to my bedroom.

As his fingers caressed my bare back as he laid naked in my arms I knew that he deserved much better then me, yet I'm happy in a sick way that he doesn't seem to know that.