Tiptoe Through the True Bits

I’m sure you’d like me to tell you that we lived happily ever after, and I wish I could. But that’s not what happened. What happened is that we got dressed, and Gerard drove me home, and he told me he had some stuff to sort out, and that he’d be back.

He didn’t come back. Once again I waited for him, full of hope. But once again that hope decayed over time. A year, this time. Four seasons. 12 months. 365 days. Nothing.

It was like losing him all over again. But what I had learned about myself was that I was much stronger than I gave myself credit for. I made it through all of these losses in my life and I could do it again. It wasn’t easy. But I had Amber and I had my art and I had that scrap of hope.

The next time it was me that found him. Amber came home from work one evening, brimming with excitement and holding a local newspaper.

“What’s up, Ambs?” I asked, wiping yellow paint off of my cheek.

She bounced around excitedly, her scarlet hair bobbing along with her, and held out the newspaper to me. It was turned to the ‘local events’ page and one particular article was circled countless times with five exclamation points beside it. I sat down at the table to read it.

‘The Belleville quintet My Chemical Romance, fronted by lead singer Gerard Way, will be playing at the Jersey Royal Theatre tonight, supported by Pencey Prep. Doors open at 8pm. Tickets $4.’

I stared at it for the longest time but it never changed. I wanted to think that he knew I would read this, and that he wanted me to go. Of course I would go.

I cast my mind back to the first time Gerard sang for me. How he’d blown me away with his amazing voice and his amazing presence. How I’d always known that that’s what he should be doing. And now he was doing it. He was going to change the world, just like he’d always wanted.

The venue was full of kids. Most of them couldn’t have been much older than sixteen and they bounced away as the support act played. But when Gerard’s band came on, the mood changed. Everybody was here for them. There was this atmosphere in the place that was indescribable. The whole venue was alive with electricity as the first chord of the first song was strummed.

“We are My Chemical Romance,” Gerard announced into the microphone. Amber squeezed my hand. Mikey was up there. We were in this together. “And we are the best band in the fucking world.”

Everybody went crazy for them. We had to move to the back of the crowd for fear of being killed. People were shouting and jumping and screaming the lyrics along with Gerard. It was incredible. Just like I always knew it would be. I was so glad he had found his dream and was living it. Even if it was without me. It only hurt a little bit.

There was another woman standing alone at the back of the room, smiling at Gerard in awe just as I was. Amber pointed her out to me. She had short blonde hair and lots of tattoos.

“Jodie,” she mouthed, with a slight nod. “Twenty bucks.”

I turned back to the music. Gerard sounded amazing. The whole band was amazing. Even Mikey seemed to know his way around a bass guitar. When did that happen?

But I couldn’t take my eyes off of Gerard, even to look at what may or may not be the woman who took my husband away from me. I was just happy that he was happy. I thought maybe I was making a mistake, coming here. I thought maybe I should have just left it. He was doing well without me. It seemed like he didn’t even need me. Maybe I misread the signs. Maybe he never wanted me here at all.

I was going to leave but for some reason I couldn’t. I was just so entranced by him that I had to stay.

“This is our last song,” he announced as it neared midnight. The crowd groaned. “No, don’t be sad,” he said. “Because it’s the best fucking one. It’s about finding the person that you want to live and die with. I’d like to dedicate it to an amazing woman who I hope is here tonight. This song is called Demolition Lovers.”

My heart backflipped and somersaulted and a million other things. It felt like a pinball, going crazy inside my chest. Amber squeezed my hand again and pointed towards Jodie. She was grinning from ear-to-ear, and she clearly thought the song was for her. Sad. But I couldn’t concentrate on her right now.

“Hand in mine into your icy blues, and then I’d say to you, we could take to the highway...”

Tears sprung to my eyes but I made no effort to wipe them away. He was soulful, now. The other songs had been energetic and shouty and fast. This one was almost a ballad. Almost a love song. Almost.

“I’m trying. I’m trying to let you know just how much you mean to me.”

He looked like he might cry, too.

“And after all the things we put each other through.”

I stared at him the whole way through. I think he was staring at me too but I couldn’t be sure until near the end when he looked right into my eyes and he smiled that smile that he used to smile, back when we were kids. It could have meant a million things but I knew that tonight, it meant, I’ll be there.

When the song finished I knew I had to get out of there before I saw him with her. I wouldn’t be able to cope. Amber understood but she looked a little disappointed.

“What really happened between you and Mikey?” I asked her in the cab. It had been bugging me for a long time. I never got a real answer.

She sighed and leant her head against the window. It was raining again. “You really want to know, Elise?”

“I really do.”

She faced me and I saw that her forehead was moist from condensation. She looked sad. “He asked me to choose,” she said simply. “You or him. And you needed me more.”

I nodded and took her hand. “Thank you,” was all I could really say. Call me selfish but I was so glad she chose me. “I don’t know what I’d have done without you.”

She smiled. “I never regretted my choice, El.”

After an exhausting day, I went straight to bed. I wasn’t sure if he would be around at some point during the night so I hardly slept. It was a little after 3am that my phone began to ring.

Oh Elise, it doesn’t matter what you say...

I reached out in the darkness and fumbled for it, cursing and hoping that Amber wouldn’t wake up. “Hello?” I whispered as I answered my cell.

“It’s me. I’m outside.” Then he hung up.

I muttered more obscenities under my breath as I headed for the door. I didn’t bother to put any clothes on. I answered wearing just my black panties and before I even knew it Gerard and I were back in our bed, making love again as if five and half years was a heartbeat and nothing had ever changed.

--

I was almost surprised that he was still there when I woke up in the morning. I could feel him before I even opened my eyes.

“You watching me sleep, Way?” I muttered, cracking one eye open. He grinned but it looked pained. I shuffled closer to him and he wrapped his arms around my naked body. “Mm, I missed waking up with you.”

“Me too,” he replied, and I felt like he really meant it.

“You were really good last night,” I said, and he laughed a little. “I meant the gig, you weirdo,” I added, rolling my eyes a little. “I especially liked that last song, what was it called again?”

“Demolition Lovers,” he whispered, and kissed my cheek.

I sighed contentedly and closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat. It never faltered. “Are you going to leave me again?” I asked quietly, kissing his chest very softly.

He sat up and I did the same. He looked at me for a while, in silence. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me. I didn’t much like his silence, either. I looked at his hand. He wasn’t wearing his wedding ring anymore.

“Where’s your ring?” I whispered, reaching out to touch his left hand. He pulled it away before I could. “Gerard,” I said firmly. Still he didn’t talk. “Gerard, where’s your ring?”

He avoided my gaze for a while. When he finally looked back at me, his eyes were watering. “I’m engaged, El.”

I wanted to cry again but I was sick of it. I was done with crying. I was royally pissed off at him. He kept making promises he couldn’t keep. He kept running away and saying all of these things he didn’t mean and confusing me and driving me insane. It was bullshit.

But you know the sad thing? The really sad thing is that I was willing to put up with all of that. I was willing to accept that we would be apart and then back together again. I was even okay with the thought that Gerard had a new girlfriend. Because I believed, truly believed, in my heart of hearts, that we would always end up with one another. Because he was my husband and I was his wife. We were the first people to ever truly love one another. We were fated to be together, right from the moment our eyes met in Dr. Gould’s office. We were soulmates. I never for a second believed that he would have the balls to ask me for a divorce and marry someone else. I just assumed that he would keep putting it off and coming back to me. So I was quite happy to just accept that things wouldn’t always be easy. There was always that hope.

But he had taken off the ring; the one thing that ran parallel in our lives, the only thing that even loosely connected us to one another. It was like he wanted to forget me the way he forgot about our son.

It made me angry. It really did.

“You are such an asshole,” I spat, throwing the sheets away from me and jumping out of the bed, pulling on any article of clothing that I could find on my way out of the bedroom. I felt sick at the thought that I’d let him touch me again after all he’d done. I kept repeating it to myself in my mind. He took his ring off. He was getting married to someone else. It was over for him. “I don’t deserve your shit,” I told him, slamming the bedroom door and running down the stairs and into the street, despite the fact that this was my house now. It wasn’t his house anymore. He wasn’t welcome there anymore, in my house or my bed or my life. I had to move on.

It was freezing outside and I had no shoes. I didn’t even get to the end of the street before he caught up with me, shirtless and breathless. He took my arm and I snatched it away. “Don’t touch me,” I muttered. He took it again. “Don’t touch me!”

People turned to look. Gerard ran a hand through his hair. “I love you, Elise,” he finally said. “I don’t want Jodie or anyone else but you. I want to be your husband again and I want you to be my wife. It scared me last time, how much I’d missed you, how much I wanted to be back in your life. I just needed some time. I don’t want to lose you again. Please.”

I shook my head. “What are you trying to do, Gerard?” I whispered. “You’ve had your chances. You’ve made your excuses. But you still keep leaving me. I can’t take it anymore.”

He sucked in an icy breath. He was shivering. So was I. “What are you saying?”

I sighed and looked back up at him firmly. “I’m done.”

He didn’t follow me this time. I walked through the streets of New Jersey with my head down for what felt like hours. I didn’t know where I was going. I just kept walking in the hope that I would find whatever it was I was looking for.

I ended up outside a smoothie bar. It started to snow, so I headed inside. It was empty except for the young guy behind the counter. He was putting something on some shelves when I walked in, but the little bell above the door notified him of my presence and he turned around with a smile. It soon faded as he looked over my sorry state. My bloody, bare feet. My matted, wet hair. My skinny jeans and Gerard’s Anthrax shirt draping my torso. My chattering teeth. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he thought I was homeless or a crack addict. But he was kind to me.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly, stepping from behind the counter to my side. His nametag read ‘Noah Phillips’ and he was quite tall and had a kind face. His hair was blonde and cut short and gelled to look messy. He was very skinny and maybe in his mid twenties. He was like the anti-Gerard.

I shook my head. “No,” I replied. “No, I’m not okay. I need some shoes. I ran away.”

He nodded as if he understood my nonsensical rambling, and led me to a seat. “What did you run away from?” he asked.

“My husband,” I told him. “My problems.”

He made me coffee and I explained everything to him, from the hideous artwork in Dr. Gould’s office all the way to “I’m done.” And he listened to all of it, even closing the shop so that he could pay me his full attention. Why he did all of this is beyond me. I didn’t even think about it as I spoke to him. It all just fell out. Every last detail. He brought me coffee and mopped the floors as I just talked and talked and talked. It took a long time to explain it all.

“So why did you keep going back?” he finally asked me, as we locked up the shop.

I shrugged and wriggled my toes around in the shoes he had leant me. It was still snowing. It fell between us in large, slow flakes. “Because,” I sighed. “Because I love him.”

Noah Phillips nodded and gazed into the distance for a while. Then he turned back to me. “You need a ride home?”

I smiled. “That would be great.”