Heartless

We just went on break. Christmas break, to be more specific. Jace's birthday was three days after Christmas, on the 28th. I still didn't know what I was getting him.

I was thinking about it as we got off the bus after our last day, heading into my house and being surprised to see Mom sitting on the couch. “Oh, hi you two. I'm home early.” she smiled slightly, making me nod and Jace frown. I elbowed his ribs after Mom's head tilted in confusion before going back to her crossword, dragging Jace with me to the kitchen.

“Please, try to conceal your... disappointment.” I mumbled while walking past him. I heard him snort quietly and sigh. “Well you know, it's sort of hard to sexually molest you with your Mom in the other room.” he commented, making me laugh and shake my head. “I'm sure you'll live for one day.”

He hummed in response and leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. I dropped my bag next to the fridge and walked over, standing on my toes and leaning in to him to kiss his cheek (which I barely managed to reach) in an attempt to pacify him. He sighed and turned his head, staring at me for a second before frowning.

“... What?”

“Just thinking.”

The sarcastic response died in my throat when Jace's frown turned into a slightly dejected look, making me sincerely concerned. “Jace, what's wrong?”

He opened his mouth to respond, but seemed to think better and closed it again to smile, though it seemed forced. “Nothing, Will. Nothing's wrong.”

I looked back for a second and leaned away from him, raising an eyebrow. “You know I don't like it when you lie to me.” I said quietly. He nodded back after a minute. “I know. And I'm sorry that I have to lie to you now. But it's not really something I'm ready to tell you yet.”

I didn't bring up the subject for the rest of the week, partly because Jace didn't come over again until Christmas Eve. Though it was actually me going to Jace.

Every year our families went to each other's houses as a sort of tradition. Last year was Mom's house, and this year was Claire's turn, Jace's Mom.

I walked up to the door of the house with Mom, shivering from the cold and the fact that I can't seem to keep much body heat. Mom had barely rung the doorbell when one of the doors opened to reveal Claire, smiling widely. “Paula! So nice to see you again!” she said, hugging Mom tightly before turning to me. “Merry Christmas Will. How's school going?” she asked curiously, leading us into the house.

“Pretty good. I'm failing Art.” I replied quietly. She laughed lightly, nodding. “It's alright. You must get your artistic ability from your father. Richard could never draw better than a stick figure...” she trailed off, heading toward the kitchen with Mom while I made my way out of the foyer and into the living room.

Jezabel and Jericho were sitting on the couch, each texting. The two girls were complete polar opposites; while Jezabel was the outgoing dancer with a different boyfriend ever month, Jericho was the introverted artist with one boyfriend of three years now.

Jared, the youngest of all the kids and being only nine, was sitting in front of the tree, looking up into it from the bottom and occasionally making little awed sounds.

I frowned slightly when I didn't see Jace until I felt my eyes being covered and a breath next to my ear. “Guess who. I'll give you a hint- Not Jace.”

“Oh, that's a tough one... I'm gonna say... Jace.” I replied, smiling slightly. I heard a groan behind me before Jace took his hands off my face, coming around to stand in front of me. “How do you always know?” he asked.

“Because you're the only one who does that. And after twelve years I know what you sound like.” I smirked, crossing my arms. He frowned and came closer, making sure no one was watching before lightly pecking my cheek. “Merry Christmas Will.”

I smiled more and nodded. “Merry Christmas.”

Claire had allowed me to sleep over that night. While the twins and Jared had gone to bed around ten, it was well past midnight and Jace and I were still sitting in the living room, a candle on the table the only light we had one since we didn't want to wake anyone back up.

“So. I thought today was pretty fun.” he commented. I hummed back, leaning against the couch and staring up at the ceiling.

“Lot's of presents. And wrapping paper.”

I hummed again.

“... You're just humoring me now, aren't you?”

I snorted quietly, smiling. “Now what ever would give you that idea?” I asked back. He sighed and moved closer, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me against him. “Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that I haven't gotten an actual answer in the past fifteen minutes?”

I smiled more and leaned my head on his chest, listening to his normal, non-palpitating heart beat. “Good God, it's like a fucking metronome.” I murmured after a while, feeling Jace laugh. “Well, someone's getting tired if they're comparing hearts to metronomes.” he said. I shrugged slightly. “It's true though.”

It was silent for a while, the only sounds being the candle flickering and Jace's heart beating.

“... She's pregnant.”

It took me a second to process the random comment before I frowned. “Who is?”

“Bailey...”

I frowned more, trying to remember who that was. “Oh, like, the shitty-reason, Dairy Queen-working Bailey? That one?”

“Yeah. That's the one.”

“Oh... And she's pregnant?”

“Yep.”

“Oh... Damn... What a shame.”

I heard Jace snort loudly before my arm was pinched, making me hiss through my teeth. “Be nice Will. I know you don't like her, but have a little sympathy.” he said seriously, though I could tell from his tone that he was smiling, at least a little.

“Alright, alright, sorry. I'll be nicer. Who's the father?” I asked curiously, closing my eyes and leaning further into Jace as he shifted slightly. “Um... That's the thing.”

“... Hm?”

“... I am.”

I slowly opened my eyes again and blinked a few times before I felt my stomach twist uncomfortably, making me frown. “Oh... So... That's why she left?” I asked quietly. I felt him shrug. “I don't know if that's the only reason, but it is part of it, yes. She said she broke up with me because she was afraid I was going to leave if I found out she was pregnant. Her way of beating me to the punch I guess.”

“Ah... Would you have?” I asked again, nearly whispering.

“... No.”

I nodded, sitting up and looking down at my lap as I listened to Jace sigh. “Will.. We're talking about a child here. My child. I'm not just gonna... Ignore it completely and pretend that everything's normal.” he said.

“Well if she broke up with you and left I doubt she really wants your help that much.” I responded.

“She was scared, Will. What would you do if you had a secret and you were afraid to tell someone about it?”

I looked over at Jace and could feel my facial expression turning into a glare as he seemed to shrink down slightly.

Understandably Jace didn't know about my secret, but that was sort of the point.

“Jace, don't talk to me about life-threatening secrets. Because you have no idea who you're talking to about it.” I whispered, hoping that maybe he would drop the conversation entirely. Unfortunately, this is Jace we're talking about.

“What are you talking about? What, you suddenly have some huge secret now that apparently no one could understand?”

“You wouldn't understand. I did not say everyone wouldn't understand. I'm sure over half the population of the world would understand. Bailey's secret is... They have fucking television shows about that stuff. It's not...” I sighed, shaking my head, “My point is that I don't think Bailey really wants help.”

“Well that's for us to decide, not you, now, about this 'life-threatening' secret you seem to have. Care to share?”

“Not really.”

Jace shrugged. “Must not be that big a deal then.” he commented, leaning back on the couch and crossing his legs.

“Just drop it, please.” I responded.

“Well, it's just that if you had a huge secret I assume you'd tell your best friend about it-”

“Jace, drop it.”

“I mean, that's what friends are for, so it kinda shows what you think of me-”

“Jace, I mean it.”

“As an untrustworthy person who doesn't deserve to know about anything-”

“Jace, I'm being fucking serious, you don't know what the hell you're talking about, so shut the fuck up.” I glared harshly at him, breathing quickly through my nose and clenching my hands. He stared back for a minute. “No, I don't think I will, Will.”

“God, why do you care?” I asked loudly, standing up from the couch and walking around the table, crossing my arms over my chest. “Why do you want to know so bad?”

“Honestly, because I want to know what your idea of life-threatening is, since you don't seem to find Bailey's problem so bad.” he responded, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

“You really want to know?”

“Yeah, I really want to know.”

“I'm in love with... Someone.” I finished carefully, looking down at the ground and thinking about how close I was to just telling Jace how I really felt.

He apparently wasn't satisfied with it.

“Oh really? Well, you being Gay and all, now I'm curious. So Will, who are you 'in love' with?” he asked. I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut. “Can't we just drop it?” I begged quietly, already knowing the answer.

“... No. You thought your problem was so much worse, so I want to know why.”

I thought about everything for a second before slowly looking up and meeting Jace's eyes, knowing mine must've looked glassy already. “I'm... In love... With...” I stopped myself, unable to say it.

“.... With?”

“... You.” I whispered, closing my eyes as I felt the water from them run down my cheeks, biting my bottom lip to keep from making any additional noise as Jace went silent. I barely even heard his breathing. Eventually I opened my eyes to see Jace staring back at me. “Say something.” I murmured. He was still silent for a few more minutes before snorting.

“... You're joking.”

Not what I had expected.

“Why would I lie about being in love with you, Jace?” I asked, frowning slightly. He frowned back. “Willow, that's... I mean, it's just... It's...” He trailed off, scrunching up his nose slightly before leaning back into the couch again and going silent.

“... So that's it? No response? Just 'you're joking'?” I snorted loudly, shrugging to myself. “Even after all that shit about 'needing' to know what my secret was? What, are you too disgusted to do anything? Oh no, your best friend's in love with you, and he's a guy. That just makes the world stop turning, doesn't it? That just fucks everything up for you because you know now, after years of not knowing, and after years of everything being normal, but now it's a problem for you?

“Get over it Jace. It didn't bother anything then, and it doesn't have to bother anything now unless you want it to, for better or for worse. It's entirely up to you at this point. So are you really going to blame me, and hate me, for loving you a bit more that I should? Does it really have to make that much of a difference when after all these years I've been able to restrain myself from doing anything based purely on what I feel for you?”

Jace sat there through my entire speech, staring unseeingly at the floor until I finished. He looked up slowly, not meeting my eyes. “... Get out.”

I was speechless for a minute until it sunk in. “... You heartless bastard.” I whispered. Jace stood up at that, walking over until there was barely an inch between us and he was glaring down at me. “... Get out, Willow.” he whispered. I glared back as harshly as I could between the tears still streaming down my face. Part of me wanted to hit Jace (reallyreally bad) but another part said it was just shock, and that he'd come around eventually. The latter part won out and I forced myself to look down as I stepped around him, heading for the foyer and grabbing my coat before leaving and slamming the door shut behind me. I didn't even care that I had left my gloves, or that as I was walking down the driveway an upstairs bedroom light came on.

I got to the end of the driveway before pulling my phone out and staring at it for a second as I noticed tears now pouring from my eyes, making them burn. I sat on the sidewalk and put my head in my hands, the sounds of cars passing and drunken people roaming the city drowned out by the sound of my own sobbing and pounding heart beat.