Life Was Supposed to Be Better When He Noticed Me

*Ivy’s POV*

“Yes?” I smiled up at him.

“Can we..talk?” His voice was constricted when he said ‘talk’.

“About?” I turned back around so my back was facing him.

His reply was hesitant, “Stuff."

“Why don’t you say it front of them?” I looked at Christy, Justin, and Chris.

“Because I don’t have to.” His voice was harsh. After realizing this he added in a nicer voice, “Please?"

I look down at my hands. I didn’t even have to look at Evan to know that this was important to him.

“Fine.” I started to stand up, but Chris held onto my hand. I gave him a small smile. “I’ll be fine.” Then I gave him a kiss on the cheek before walking off.

I didn’t even look behind me to make sure Evan was following. I knew he was. He was the one that wanted to talk after all.

As soon as I was in the corner farthest from the people, I turned to face Evan. He looked really nervous. I let my shoulders relax and my facial expression soften.

“What do you want Evan?” My voice wasn’t mean, but it wasn’t nice either.

“To talk.”

“There’s nothing left to say.”

“No, there’s everything left to say. Nothing has been said.” Evan looked at me. “There’s so much I want to say.”

I crossed my arms. “Well, go ahead. I’m listening.”

Evan ran his hand through his hair. “First, I just..I really want to apologize for what happened in the hall a couple days ago. I never meant to hit you.”

I shook my head. “I know you didn’t. Obviously. I know you were trying to hit Chris, I just got in the way. You just let your anger get the best of you.”

“You always did tell me that..” He gave me a small smile, one that I didn’t return. “I guess it really is something I need to work on..”

I nodded my head. “If that’s all you have to say..”

“It isn’t.” Evan took a deep breath. “About what happened with your sister. I-“

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“We need to.”

I glared at the wall next to me. “I don’t think so.”

“You need to kno-“

“I think I know enough. You don’t need to tell me the gruesome details.” I could literally feel the bile rising in my throat.

“But it’s something I need to do.” Evan moved closer to me. “Every day, hell every fucking second, I can’t live with myself. I can’t live with this guilt hanging over me. I don’t know what I’ll do..”

My eyes squinted a fragment on an inch as I glared at him. “If you’re trying to make me feel sorry for you, it’s not working. I’ll never feel sorry for you for doing that to me.”

“I don’t want you to feel sorry for me! I don’t even feel sorry for myself!” Evan laughed darkly. “If anything I feel like I deserve so much worse.”

“I guess we can agree on something.”

“I’m glad.” Evan looked at me. “That means you can help me.”

“You want me to help you?!”

“Yes.”

“You’re fucking stupid.”

Evan shook his head. “Ivy. If you yell at me, that’s helping me. If you hit me, that’s helping me. If you even do anything to slightly bruise my ego, you’ll be helping me.”

“So, you want me to basically tear you down?”

Evan smiled. “Yes!”

I looked him up and down. “You really are stupid.”

He grabbed my arms suddenly. “Ivy. If you really think about it, it makes sense. I’m asking you, begging you, to tell me what’s on your mind. To make me understand what you’re feeling right now.”

“You want to feel what I’m feeling?”

Evan nodded. “Yes.”

I just stared at him for a moment. He didn’t look good, he didn’t look like himself. Bags were forming under his eyes. His hair was growing out a bit. His shirt was wrinkled. His eyes were blood shot, and the blue had faded to a cloudy storm. He really let himself go.

“Okay, I’ll do it.”

*Evan’s POV*

I let out the breath I was holding in when Ivy said that she would do it. I don’t know what made up her mind, but I’m glad that she agreed. I really did need this.

“Where should I start?”

I looked at her. She looked really hesitant. “Maybe, that night. When we broke up. Tell me how you felt.”

She took at deep breath. “I don’t even think I can even begin to find the right words to explain how I felt..”

She looked up at me and my helpless expression.

“But I can try..” We both sensed that the ‘for you’ part was implied but not said.

I stepped closer to her to hear her better. I bit my tongue as she flinched a little. So much has changed..

“At first, I had sort of a..denial period. I didn’t want to believe that it was really over. I just kept waiting for you to walk back in and say that it was just a really bad joke. I think after the first couple of days, I gave up on that idea.

“Then I went into my anger period. I just..couldn’t figure out what I did wrong. I gave you everything, everything, and it still wasn’t enough. I was just so pissed at you. I threw things, I broke things. I let the anger get the best of me.”

Ivy’s eyes were far away now. It’s like she was picturing it happening inside of her head.

“That lasted a little bit longer. A couple weeks maybe. The house was a wreck.” She smiled the smallest of smiles. “Next was the mourning period. I missed you so much then. It was the typical girl movie mourning. I ate ice cream all the time. I rarely got out of bed. I watched sad movies a lot. And of course, I cried for hours on end. It was awful. I remember that there was this one day that I had cried so much that my eyes were practically swollen shut. That lasted for a good three weeks.

“Finally, a week before school started I just..became numb. I pulled myself together, I stopped crying, I stopped getting angry. I told myself that it wasn’t worth it. You weren’t worth it.”

I looked down when she said that. I guess my movement brought her back to the present. She put her fingers under my chin and lifted my head up. Her eyes weren’t far away anymore, instead they were bright with tears that have yet to fall.

“I told myself that,” She whispered. “That doesn’t mean it was true.”

There was nothing more in the world that I wanted then to just hold her. To hold her in my arms and tell her everything is going to get better. But I couldn’t.

“I guess it did sort of get better then. I started to act normal, but I’m still the same. I’m still numb inside, Evan. I’m trying to live. I’m trying to live for this baby. For my friends. My parents. But that’s not helping me.” She smiled a little.

“I think I just realized this today, but I can’t live for them. I need to live for myself.” Ivy ran her hand through her hair. “I need to be happy for myself. I need to be alive for myself. I need to get better for me, no one else.”

I just wanted to punch myself in the face. How could I ever do this to such an amazing girl? How could I let her tear herself to pieces wondering what she did wrong? How could I let forever not last forever?

“I’m so sorry.”

Ivy shook her head. “You don’t need to be.”

“That doesn’t stop me from feeling sorry.”

Ivy stepped closer to me. “Evan, please just stop. You don’t need to worry about me anymore. What I do from now on doesn’t concern you.”

“What about the baby?”

“If you really care enough, start showing it. This little kid is gonna need you just as much as it needs me. I don’t care if we’re together or not. I’m not gonna let this baby suffer because of bad parenting.”

I looked at Ivy, “You are too nice for your own good.”

Then she smiled. An actual smile. And even better, it was an Ivy smile.

“You know I can be mean too.”

“Oh, I know.”

Ivy gave me a smaller smile this time then she looked at her feet. I looked down too.

“I miss you.” I whispered.

“I miss me too.” Ivy whispered back.

I looked up at her. I could sense the distance growing between us. We were drifting farther and farther apart. If I hadn’t been part of it, I would have sworn that we were never even in love.

A tear slipped down my cheek before I could stop it. But I’m glad I didn’t because it seemed like that one tear began the domino effect.

Ivy reached for me, running her hand through my hair before grabbing it at the back of my head. My hands found her waist and pulled her closer. Our foreheads touched. We both closed our eyes. We listened to the sound of our breath as it became in sync.

“We used to be so in love.”

“I know.” Ivy’s body shook as she spoke.

“Nothing could stop us.”

“Except this.”

I let out a gust of air. “Except this.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s my fault.” I opened my eyes.

“It was both of us.” Ivy opened her eyes too.

My jaw clenched. “You did nothing wrong. You were perfect.”

“Just not perfect for you.”

“Of course you were. You are. And you probably always will be. This is all on me. I’m not perfect for you.” I wanted to bite my tongue, I didn’t want to say it. Of course I couldn’t control it as my mouth opened again and the words slipped out. “Christofer Drew. He is.”

She started crying then. Silent tears rolled right off her cheeks. “You’re always going to have a place in my heart.”

“Mine will always belo-”

“Ivy.” A voice cut me off.

He’s always fucking things up.

I turned around to glare at Christofer Drew. I wanted to punch him so much, but I didn’t. I owed this to Ivy.

“We’re leaving.” Chris looked around me to Ivy.

I stepped aside and let her pass. I watched her walk up to Chris. I watched him put his arm around her. I watched him lead her away. And I watched as Ivy looked back at me.

I lifted two fingers in a wave goodbye.

She pierced her lips then turned her head back.

I watched them walk out the door and to their car.

And I realized. Just like that, the love of my life was gone.