Forever & Always.

The room in which I sat was bland and felt almost sterile. The white walls held no pictures and the furniture was musty and dated. Working in a room like this made my job that little bit harder. The students always felt uncomfortable and were less willing to talk to me. It’s strange how one’s surroundings can influence our behaviour.
A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts and I told whoever was to enter seeing as I wasn’t busy. The complete opposite in fact, I was just clearing up some clutter I had left on the desk.

“Miss Johnson?”

I looked up to see a short, brown haired boy watching me nervously. He was wearing the standard navy jumper, white shirt, blue and grey tie, grey trousers and black shoes that all students of St. Mary’s Secondary had to wear and looked rather uncomfortable. His green eyes darted around the room almost apprehensively.

“Hey, you can call me Ciara, hon,” I smiled encouragingly at him and tucked a piece of my brown hair behind my ear.

He returned the smile a little timidly, “I’m Oisín. The school wants me to talk to you about… y‘know”

I glanced up at the white clock that rested on the far wall, 3:45pm. My workday had finished forty-five minutes ago without me realising.

“I’m sorry Oisín but I’m actually finished for the day,” I always felt so guilty telling someone that I couldn’t make time for them, but I couldn’t be expected to constantly be on call.

He shook his head quickly, Oh, no, no, no. I wasn’t looking to talk to you right now. They made me an appointment for tomorrow. I just wanted to know what you’re like and you seem nice enough.”

I gave him another smile and laughed a little bit, “Thanks, I guess? I look forward to talking with you tomorrow darling.”

He grinned and nodded before leaving the room. It was sweet kids like him that got me up in the morning. Throughout my entire childhood the only thing I’d ever wanted to do with my time on earth was use it to help others and finally, that was what I was doing. I was currently working as a grief counsellor in secondary schools across the country. It was difficult dealing with people’s grief, especially when so many of the teens who had passed away had done so by their own hand, but I wanted to help the students in the way that only he had helped me when we were teenagers. This was my way of changing the world, one person at a time.
Rubbing the bridge of my nose I let out a long, tired sigh. Work always tired me out and I couldn’t wait to get home and just relax for the rest of the evening. I grabbed my bag and made my way out of the co-ed school I was assigned to for the next month.
When I got outside my fiancé, Aidan, was already waiting for me with the car running. My job didn’t pay all too well and he was currently unemployed so we had to share the one car. It was a horrible inconvenience but I made do with public transport for the most part, after all Aidan needed the car more. He had to travel to job interviews nearly everyday, the car was the easiest means of getting to them.

“Hey babes,” He smiled and pecked my cheek as I clambered into the old, beaten up car. “How was work?”

I shrugged, “S’all good. I don’t really get to talk to most of the students on the first day so it’s kinda boring.”

I saw Aidan’s shoulder flinch slightly at the slight American twang that left my mouth. Even after all these years I couldn’t rid myself of that soft Jersey accent that came through when I spoke certain words or phrases. It irritated Aidan and so I tried my best to keep it to a minimum.

“Uhm…how did your interview go?” I asked cautiously, if it hadn’t gone well he might get a bit angry.

His face broke out into a huge grin and he flicked his shaggy dyed blonde hair out of his face, “It went great. I got to meet the owner of the venue and everything. They said they’d let me know tomorrow.”

I smiled, “That’s great Aid. Was that for that club in Dublin?”

He nodded looking very pleased with himself, “Mhmm…if I get it I’ll be head of security for all the concerts and events.”

He continued to talk animatedly about the job opportunity but I’ll admit, I found it hard to pay attention. My first day at any new school always made me edgy and restless. I needed to get away from my fiancé for a while, I needed to be alone.

“Aid, Can you drop me off at the graveyard please?”

A curious look followed by a nod was his only answer and I smiled in response. The rest of the car journey passed in silence because Aidan had finally realised I didn’t want to hear about the job he was going for, I had other things on my mind. I wasn’t trying to be rude or take away from his excitement at a possible job; I was just far too tired to be dealing with all of this. My head was hurting and my thoughts were running at a hundred miles an hour. I need a break.



“Hey Ferg, how’re things up there?” I settled myself on the ground in front of his gravestone. “I still miss you so much.”

It had been too long since I had seen Fergal’s smile or heard his laugh but I still missed him as if he had only left me yesterday. I had been told that time would heal the wounds left by his and Rachel’s suicides but I knew better. As Rose Kennedy once said “the wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." She was so right, the pain is always there, just dulled, some days it feels like it might be gone completely and then you‘re hit with a memory that reminds you of the hole left in your heart by that person you loved. Sometimes I’d be sitting on the wooden deck out my back garden and I’d hear the birds singing and expect my teenage best friend to mimic their calls the way he had learned in The Scouts as a young child. Then I’d remember and my heart would twist in agony. Those sorts of days were the worst because all the pain from my teenage years would hit me full force once more and I’d have to endure the ache in my heart for a number of days.

“Tell Rache I said hey and I miss her too,” I never found it as easy to talk to Rachel after she left this world. It didn’t feel as natural as it did with Fergal. Maybe it was because she and I were never as close as Ferg and I, or maybe it was because, by the time she took her own life, Rachel and I had become almost strangers. When I moved to America we all but lost contact, the last time I spoke to her wasn’t long before her death but by then, I guess it was too late to save her anyway. But I still liked to remind her that I loved her and missed her.

“I know I haven’t been here in a while but I’ve been super busy. But I need to talk to you about everything that’s going through my mind at the moment. My heart still feels as if I left part of it in America. I know that sounds so stupid seeing as I’ve been living here for years now, but I still miss them. I saw their band on T.V. the other night, some stupid interview on MTV or something. He looks terrible, nothing like the guy I knew when I was with him. Why is he doing that to himself Ferg? I mean, he’s finally gotten what he always wanted and he’s still not happy. I just don’t understand!”

I threw my hands up in frustration and earned a few odd looks from the few people who were still in the cemetery, visiting their own loved ones. They all probably thought I was crazy and I noticed how they gave me a wide berth as they walked past me on the path.

My voice dropped to a whisper as I continued talking to Fergal, “I wish you were here man, I could do with your guidance. I miss you hugs, your laugh, and most of all, your ridiculous hair. I don’t think you would’ve grown up. You were like a real-life Peter Pan, forever young. I bet you would’ve been married by now, to a nice guy with a well paid job, you wouldn’t have had anything but the best Ferg. I could’ve been your maid of honour, or best woman, or something,” I giggled a little and tried not to tear up at the things that could have been.

The sun began to dip behind the mountains that lay to the west and I knew I’d have to leave soon. I always found it hard to leave Fergal’s grave, if I could I would’ve stayed with him forever.
“Hey Ferg? Have you ever considered what it would’ve been like if I had followed through with my plans to follow you into the next life?” For the first week after Fergal’s suicide I had seriously contemplated taking my own life, I had just wanted to be with my best friend so much. “We could’ve stayed young forever and been together for all eternity. Sometimes I still regret not following through with it.”

Standing up I wiped away the few drops that had spilled over and forced a smile on my face. “Thanks for listening Ferg, you’re the best. I’ll be back soon…pinkie promise.” I leaned down and kissed the faded picture of my blue-haired friend. “Love you dude.”
I brushed the dirt off the back of my jeans and headed home.