Forever & Always.

I was excited about returning to New Jersey. My heart longed to see the town I had grown to love during my short stay there. I missed it so much. I missed Toni’s house, the one she had made so comfortable for me. I missed the coffee shop and Lucas who worked there. I missed the desolate playground that I had once drawn a sketch, one that I kept in my folder of old drawings. I even missed the tall, grey buildings I had once loathed.

The contents of my closet currently lay all over my bed, strewn across the purple and grey bedspread as I tried in vain to decide what to pack. I always get stressed when packing for a trip, if I could I’d just bring my entire wardrobe with me wherever I was going.
A black Iron Maiden hoody caught my eye. I reached out and picked up the worn-looking item of clothing, wondering whose it could be. I knew it wasn’t mine as I didn’t really like Maiden.
It was warm and familiar when I slipped it on and I felt like a grungy teenager all over again. The sweatshirt still held a faint scent and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t familiar. This had been Ray’s hoody and I now remembered why I had it in amongst my clothes. It had been one of the last days the guys spent in Jersey before leaving to go on tour. We all went to the Toro house and were watching movies. It was getting late and I remember that I got cold. Gerard didn’t have a hoody with him so he made Ray let me borrow his favourite Iron Maiden one. I meant to return it; I just never got the chance. This hoody was full of memories.

The song Barbie Girl by Aqua began playing from my phone and I smiled, knowing the only person whose ringtone that song could be.

“Hey Frankie,” I greeted him whilst putting the phone on speaker and beginning to take off the warm hoody.

“Hey baby girl,” He went quiet for a moment and I instantly knew that there was something wrong. Normally it was near impossible to shut Frank up on the phone; he’d just talk and talk about absolutely nothing.

“What’s up Frankenstein?” I asked, grabbing the phone and turning it off speaker before sitting down on the wooden rocking chair by the window, the one that overlooked my front garden, and putting the little piece of technology up to my ear. I rocked back and forth observing the people I could see out the window as I awaited his answer.

“Well…uh…we have a slight problem C,” He mumbled.

My mind automatically began jumping to crazy conclusions. He had told the guys who I was and they wanted nothing to do with me. He had decided he didn’t want me to come back to Jersey with him. They all hated me. Everything was going to fall apart all over again.

“The guys and I have to go back to England for a couple of days. Some interviews and stuff.”

I exhaled with relief - I had completely overreacted - and found a smile creeping its way onto my face, “Oh that’s okay Frankie. How long will you guys be gone?”

“Em…only about a week.”

A week suddenly seemed a lot longer than seven days. I didn’t want to have to stay in Ireland for another week. I didn’t want to have to stay with Aiden anymore. I wanted to get away. I needed to escape.

“Yeah sure, that’s cool dude.”

“Alright awesome,” I could hear the relief in his voice. He had expected me to be more difficult about this. “I can’t wait to bring you home C.”

To be honest, I couldn’t wait to go home either. The more time I spent in Ireland lately, the more I wanted to go back to New Jersey. Things had changed so dramatically and so quickly here in Ireland and I just wanted to escape for a bit. I wanted to get away from Aiden for a bit, just to clear my head.

“I’ve gotta go for a bit,” There was shouting in the background and someone that sounded like Gerard told Frank to get off the phone, that they all had to pack. “I’ll talk to you soon though, ‘kay?”

I smiled, even though he couldn’t see, “Yeah sure. Love you Frankie.”

“Love you too.”

The line went dead and I threw the little black square in the direction of my bed but it fell to the floor, landing with a loud thud. I winced, Aiden was sure to come up and investigate that.

Sure enough, a minute later he opened the door a curious look on his face. I was so glad that he didn’t look angry that I leapt up and planted a light kiss on his lips. It was so rare to see him without a glare or frown on his face that I was delighted he looked almost…happy.

“What was that noise?” He looked me in the eye with one eyebrow raised.

I shrugged and gave him a sheepish smile, “I may have thrown my phone at the bed…and missed.”

He laughed, a sound I hadn’t heard in what seemed like forever, “Ah Ciara, what will I ever do with you?”

It all seemed so surreal. Aiden was being so nice to me, as if the past few weeks had never even occurred. I liked it. It reminded me of why I was with Aiden in the first place. He was acting like the boy I had fallen for all those years ago before I had even moved to Jersey.

“Come on down,” My fiancé whispered in my ear. “Dinner’s ready.”

I smiled so wide, unable to believe how sweet he was being, “Awh baby, you didn’t have to.”

“But I wanted to.”

He took my hand in his and led me downstairs and into the kitchen. His hand was soft and warm in mine and it reminded me of when we first got back together when I returned to Ireland. Everything was perfect and all that mattered was that Aiden loved me.

My fiancé had obviously tried his best to impress me with this dinner. The kitchen table was set with our best plates and cutlery and the Waterford crystal glasses his mom had given us when we moved in together. It was so sweet and romantic that I was beyond words. I just sat in silence as Aiden served me chicken, roast potatoes and mixed vegetables. He sat opposite me and gave me a huge smile while I tried to hide my disgust at the chicken in front of me. I didn’t want to upset him so I began eating, pushing the chicken to the side of my plate.

“What’s wrong with the chicken, babe?” He reached across the table to take my hand in his, stroking his thumb across my knuckles.

“I’m vegetarian Aid, remember?”

He pulled his hand back and sighed in disgust, running his fingers through his blonde hair, “Why must you be so fucking ungrateful?”

I stared at him with wide eyes. Things were going so well, what had happened? He knew I was vegetarian; it wasn’t my fault that he’d forgotten. And, it’s not like I was making a fuss. I wasn’t even going to say anything, but he had to go blow everything out of proportion. It wasn’t fair that he kept treating me like this. I hadn’t done anything wrong. How come he felt the need to ruin such a nice night?

“You’ll never be good enough for me. You’re nothing compared to Rachel,” He told me in a hushed voice filled with hatred and disgust. He stood up and emptied his practically full plate into the bin and placed it in the sink with his cutlery and glass before shooting me one last glare and walking out.

I rubbed my hand harshly up the side of my face before copying what Aiden had just done and emptied the contents of my plate into the bin. I stood with my back against the counter and closed my eyes, running my hand through my hair and sighing loudly. This house was crushing my soul. I needed out. Now. And I knew where to go.



“Hey Mum,” I smiled as she opened the door, surprise etched evidently across her face.

“Hey Ciara. Everything okay?” She frowned, obviously wondering why I was randomly turning up on her doorstep.

“Not really Ma…I need some advice.”

That was all it took for her to reach out and embrace me, holding me as she had when I was a child and hurt myself or got upset over something stupid. It was comforting and nice, and it made me realise how much I missed having someone who cared about me unconditionally.

My mom took me inside to her living room and sat me down on my favourite armchair before shoving a cup of tea into my hands. I hadn’t realised how cold my fingers were until I wrapped them around the purple mug. I sipped the warm drink and smiled, two sugars and just a dash of milk – just the way I like it.

“So,” My mom took a seat on the couch opposite me and looked me straight in the eye. “What’s wrong?”

My index finger fiddled with the rim of the mug, tracing it round and round, “I dunno Ma…things have just been so crappy lately, y’know?”

She nodded and as she did so, I noticed a few grey hairs at her temple, standing out against her natural dark brown. Sometimes I forgot that my Mom had just celebrated her forty-sixth birthday. I still had the ingrained childish idea that parents never got old and never died. Even though we’d had our differences when I was younger, especially after my Dad had walked out, I still loved my Mom and I’d hate if anything were to happen to her.

“I love you Mum,” I mumbled, blushing red when I realised what I had said.

“Love you too darling. Now, what’s the problem?”

I shrugged, “Aiden’s been acting weird.”

“Weird how?” She asked and I could hear the concern in her voice.

“He just keeps getting angry at me over stupid things,” I sighed and let my chin drop to my chest, my gaze focused on the floor. “I miss the old him.”

“He hasn’t hit you has he?” He concerned voice was also laced with anger and I knew she’d hit the roof if she found out what had been happening in my house recently.

I shook my head adamantly, “N-no! Of course he hasn’t!”

If my Mom found about the beatings she’d make me call the police and report it, and although, I needed a break from Aiden and everything, I didn’t want him to end up in jail. My Mom wasn’t Aiden’s biggest fan and she wouldn’t ignore something this huge, no matter how much I pleaded, and, at the end of the day, I still loved Aiden. No matter what happened or what he did to me, a part of me would always love him.

My mom shook her head, her lips downturned in a frown, new lines prominent on either side of her lips, “Y’know, sometimes I think you kids grew up too fast. You kids had no childhood.”

People say that about every generation. That our children are mature beyond their years. That they lose their innocence too young. That they grow up before their time. Usually I disagree with them but in this case I could actually see my Mom’s point. Aiden had been bullied from a young age by a group of boys a lot older than him to the point that he had to move schools and everything. This had made him see the world’s injustice and the cruelty of man at a young age. Being exposed to suicide also made both me and him mature beyond our years. We had to face our own mortality and the fact that not everything is as perfect as they may appear on the outside. We had our hearts torn out and smashed into tiny pieces. We had to grow up and face that these people that we loved were never coming home.
Aiden had been affected so much by Rachel’s death and I wondered that it had taken away the last of his innocence and made him less naïve to the harshness of the world. Maybe it had made him cruel and heartless so that he could never be hurt again.

“I just wish things could go back to the way they were, like back when were kids,” I mumbled, looking down at the ground and concentrating on the purple swirls that ran through the teal carpet.

“I’m sorry a bhabóg but it’s not that simple. You’ve just go to make the best of a bad situation,” she pulled me into an embrace and I smiled against her shoulder. My Mom was a great person to come to and vent at. She never judged me and just told me what she honestly thought was the best solution.

And maybe she was right. Maybe we did grow up too fast. Maybe we lost our innocence too young and now it’s affecting us later in life.