Forever & Always.

Meeting up with my four old best friends had me full of mixed feelings. On one hand, I was eager to see them and hug them after all this time – dying to catch up with everything in their lives. But, on the other hand, I was scared of them judging and hating me, and I was still a little angry at Gerard. Even after all this time.

Taking a deep breath I pulled my grey cardigan closer around my body – my nerves had me shivering despite the warm air – and made my way up the still familiar Iero drive. The dark brown wooden front door was still there with its lion head shaped knocked. The animal had always made me think of Aslan from the Narnia books – I guess I’ve always just been a big child. I pulled up the heavy brass knocker that was now tarnished with wear and age, and let it drop back down resounding with a large thump as it struck the old door.
There was a lot of scuffling in the hall behind the door and I rolled my eyes when I heard Mikey and Frank arguing over who would get to answer the door. Some things never change . I heard the sound of someone being shoved into a wall and their exclamation of ‘Oof”. The lock on the door clicked as it was pulled open and I was faced with a very confused looking Mikey Way.

“Can I help you?” He asked archly as he folded his arms across his chest. Behind him I could see Frank struggling to his feet looking rather bewildered as to how he got there in the first place. The short you man wasn’t going to be able to explain the situation like we had planned he would, it was all up to me.

“I’m here to see you guys practice,” I told him simply, deciding not to elaborate just yet, wanting to see his response to my odd answer.

He just rolled his hazel eyes – ones that were so similar to his brother’s, but less distinctive than the older Way’s – and shook his dirty blonde head so hard that it was an amazing feat that he managed to keep his glasses in place on his face, “I swear…you fan girls.” He looked me directly in the eye and forced a smile onto his face, one that stretched his mouth upwards but left the irritation evident in his eyes, “Look, we all really appreciate the support you guys give us, but we’d rather you didn’t turn up at our houses and expect to me allowed in for practices. Because, frankly, it’s kinda creepy.”

He thought I was just some stalker fan girl who was obsessed with My Chemical Romance? Did I really come across as that type? Did I seem crazy? And most importantly, did he really not recognise me, even now?

“I’m not some fan girl,” I replied calmly. “In fact,” I placed a hand under my chin and pretended to think really hard, “Yes, I do believe I was your first ever fan.”

He stared at me for a moment or two scratching his scalp though his straight, dirty blonde hair. Then, as realisation hit, his eyes widened and his lips shaped around a huge grin the showed me all of his teeth, “Ciara? Ciara Johnson? No fuckin’ way!”

I laughed as he pulled me into a bone crushing embrace. For a skinny fuck he has unnatural strength. But, for the moment I didn’t care if he left me covered in bruises, I was just happy to be in his arms after all this time, feeling the comforting warmth of his familiar embrace.

“Hey Mikes,” I greeted him casually, my voice muffled by the shoulder that I was crushed against.

“Oh my God! You were that girl that Frank was hanging with in Ireland,” He slapped his pale hand to his equally pale forehead – just about missing his glasses in the process – as he realised his own stupidity. “I knew there was something familiar about you!” HE grabbed my wrist, dragging me into the house, “C’mon, you gotta meet the others.”

Familiar photos on cream walls flew by me as Mikey dragged me down the hall towards the basement door. Standing there, leaning against the white painted wooden door was a, now fully recovered, Frank. He smiled as Mikey and I sped past and I’m sure I saw him mouth the words ‘ good luck ’ as we started to descend the stairs.

“Guys!” Mikey yelled as soon as he reached the bottom step, “Guess who I found!”

Ray popped his head up from behind a large amp that he seemed to be tampering with. “Your big brother I hope?”

The curly haired young man didn’t even seem to notice me standing behind Mikey, just awaited the lanky bassist’s reply somewhat impatiently, his eyes showing clear irritation. It appeared as if Gerard made a habit of being late for practice nowadays. Was music no longer important to him or something? Was he turning into one of those people he’d always hated? The ones who said they’d put their everything into a task but then get bored and stop caring?

Mikey shook his head, “Nope,” He popped the ‘p’ before grinning and pulled me forward so I was standing next to him, in full few of anyone who was in the room. “I found her.”

Bob suddenly appeared from around the couch, lying on his stomach with one hand under the chair, seemingly searching for something underneath whilst he gave me a funny look. He eyed me through his messy blonde fringe with one eyebrow raised, “Who? That May girl?” He turned away and began moving his hand under the couch once more, “Where the fuck is that remote?”

I mock glared at the drummer and placed a hand on my hip, “Nice to know that you remember me Bobbert .”

His and Ray’s gasps were audible in the neat silent basement – I was the only person to ever call Bob by that nickname and actually live. Suddenly the two men staring exclaiming things so loudly and fast that I couldn’t understand a single word they were saying. The next thing I knew I was caught up in an awkward double hug with Ray on my left and Bob on my right, both squeezing me as tight as they possibly could.

“Yay!” I heard Frank squeal and the pounding of his feet coming down the stairs, “Group hug, everybody!”

He and Mikey joined our hug and I felt like I was suffocating under their weight but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want them to let me go just yet. They had reacted way better than I had anticipated and I didn’t want to ruin the moment just yet, so I just held them tight and closed my eyes, embracing the feeling of being loved by my friends once again.



I sat on the worn couch; the one that I could swear was the same one that had always been in the Iero basement, and leaned against Frank’s shoulder as he wrapped an arm around me. Ray and Bob said opposite us, Ray on a beanbag, and Bob and Mikey squeezed onto an armchair. They were quizzing me on my life since I had left Jersey but I knew that soon they would start asking questions that I’d be less than willing to answer. Bob looked rather uncomfortable and like he was preparing himself to ask one of those sorts of questions so I turned to Mikey with a curious look on my face, “Where’s Gerard?”

The younger Way sighed and dropped his face into his hands, “God only fucking knows. He’s probably out destroying himself again.”

Bob sighed and pulled him into a hug, shooting me a mild glared as he did so. I mentally cringed, I hadn’t realised that Gerard’s alcoholism was such a touchy subject. Though, I guess that was a bit stupid of me to think so.

“So,” Ray tore his eyes away from his band mate to look at me with inquiring eyes. “Why were you gone when we came back from our tour? We’ve all always wanted to know but Gerard would never let us know what you said in that letter.”

I looked at Frank sitting beside me and he gave me a nod and a small smile of encouragement. Now was the time to tell them everything. To tell the truth about how I felt when they left me all those years ago. After this they’d probably hate me for being so immature and childish about the whole thing.

“Well I was pretty gutted that you guys had left me behind in the first place. I was a seventeen year old girl dating the frontman of a band that I knew were going to do well, y’know? I wanted to be a part of it,” I sighed and looked away from their apologetic eyes. I didn’t want their pity.

“Gerard stopped calling after a while and I never heard from the rest of you guys. My eighteenth birthday passed without even a phone call and that just made me feel…worthless, I guess. It felt like you guys didn’t even care about me anymore. Call it childish, but that was the reason I left Jersey.” I looked up into the three pairs of eyes watching me from across the room, “I felt like I had been abandoned by the only people I had trusted after losing my best friend, and it felt like you all had abandoned me.” I fervently blinked back tears. I would not cry, would not show them how much this had hurt me. It was time to move on, wasn’t that why I was even in Jersey in the first place? To find a way to move on from the pain they had caused me?

It was silent for a few minutes and I grabbed Frank’s hand in the hope that he may calm my nerves a bit. The three men sitting opposite me all had odd looks on their faces, as if they were in pain, and I longed to know what they were thinking. Frank squeezed my hand in what I assumed to be a comforting manner but it just hurt my fingers. I closed my eyes in anticipation of Mikey, Ray and Bob’s reactions.

Eventually, Ray broke the silence. “We’re so fuckin’ sorry,” He said in a hoarse whisper that seemed to be attempting to mask tears. “We didn’t know that us leaving had that effect on you. That was never our intention, I swear.”

My body relaxed out of relief though I didn’t recall tensing it. They didn’t think I was being immature when I left Jersey, they actually understood me reasoning. I should’ve known that they’d understand, but of course, I had overreacted. As per usual.

“Don’t apologise Ray,” I shook my head with a smile. “It’s all in the past now. All that matters is that we’re all together again.”

They all smiled and nodded. Our conversation then returned to safer waters as we discussed music and movies, joking around and making fun of each other’s opinions.
There was the sound of the door opening and we all stopped our conversation to look up at who was standing in the doorway. The raven hair and hazel eyes were unmistakeable, even at this distance.
Gerard stumbled drunkenly down the steps and would’ve fallen flat on his face at the end if Mikey had not jumped up to catch him. He giggled into his younger brother’s shoulder and mumbled something about wanting to practice the new song he had written recently.

“Gerard, there’s someone we want you to meet,” Mikey told his brother in a soft, soothing voice. He spoke to him in the same way you’d speak to a scared animal.

Taking my cue I stepped forward until I was in plain few of my ex-boyfriend. He looked up at me with confusion and bewilderment lacing his drunken eyes and I couldn’t help but notice that the alcohol dimmed his beautiful eyes just a little, making them duller than I ever remember seeing them.

“Hey Gee,” I smiled tentatively up at him, the old nickname slipping easily off the end of my tongue with my realisation.

He looked up through his black bangs and smiled lazily at me, “Hey. Who’re you?”

I had to chuckle at that, only Gerard would be so blunt about it, “It’s Ciara. Remember me?”

A small smile lit up his face and, for a moment, I thought – hoped even – that everything was going to be okay, that we were going to be okay. But then, the smile slipped off his lips and was replaced with a glare. He started telling Mikey that he wanted to go home, that he needed to leave. He wouldn’t even look at me again.

Mikey sighed and I saw him begin to pack up his bass and equipment, telling his older brother that he’d be ready to go in a few minutes. Gerard nodded and leaned against the wall with his eyes closed, deliberately ignoring Frank and Ray’s attempts to get him to talk to them. Mikey just told them to give up, that Gerard was just ‘ in one of those moods ’ and continued to pack up. It was obvious that the nerdy bassist didn’t want to leave his friends just yet, especially not to go home and look after his intoxicated brother, so I made a decision.

“Look guys, I’m gonna head. I’m causing too many problems here,” I looked pointedly at Gerard who was still ignoring us all, though by the loud breathing coming from him he had quite possibly fallen asleep whilst standing up.

“Naw! C’mon Ciara, ignore him he’s being childish. You don’t have to leave,” Bob whined, scrunching up his face like a little kid. “Please?”

I shook my head, “I’d love to, but I don’t wanna cause any more fights. I’ll see you all soon though.”

They all took turns to come up and hug me goodbye. Mikey approached me last and held me tight, “Thanks for understanding and volunteering to leave.”

Shrugging my shoulders I tried to tell him it was okay, that I didn’t mind, but he continued to thank me so eventually I just told him he was welcome.

“My mom is having a belated ‘welcome home’ party tomorrow, you should come,” He whispered in my ear and I guessed it was because he didn’t want Gerard hearing about it – even if he did appear to be sound asleep against the wall. “Ignore my big brother; he acts odd when he’s on certain things. I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you tomorrow.”

I agreed to go, mainly because I’d have felt guilty if I said no. Mikey grinned so wide afterwards though that it made me glad that I had said yes. He told me that Frank would text me in the morning and then bring me over to the party. We said goodbye once more and then I waved to the rest of the boys once more before letting myself out of the basement. As I closed the door softly behind me and began heading down the hall that lead to the front door I could hear Mikey shouting at his big brother about how stupid he was being and how rude he was to me. I cringed internally; I didn’t want to cause any trouble between the brothers.

The party was going to be interesting to say the least.