Forever & Always.

The breeze from the open window was cool and my body began to relax on the couch. All was quiet on our bus and somewhere in the back of my drunken mind I remembered Mikey’s disappointed face telling me that he and the guys were going out for dinner or something. He didn’t invite me because, after the past few years, he knew what my response would be.
I brought the neck of the bottle of Jack Daniels to my lips and downed a mouthful. The burn as it slid down my throat comforted me in a way. Alcohol was my only friend nowadays. No one wanted to talk to messed up Gerard Way. They were ashamed of me.
The guys were worried about me, I could tell, but they were also sick and tired of it all. It was visible in the eyes, the way their orbs would fill with concern only to be quickly replaced with disgust when they saw the state I was in. Their disappointment made me feel guilty but not enough to make me quit my abusive habits. The alcohol, drugs and sex were the only thing that numbed the pain in my heart and I was going to give them up anytime soon.
Looking at the digital clock that lay on the counter I realised it was about time I headed to the venue for our show. I downed the last of the Jack and stood up, a half-assed smile on my face. With the empty bottle still in my hand I stumbled out of the bus.



“For fuck sake Mikey! This is becoming a joke! He needs to get some sense.”

I loved the way they all thought I couldn’t hear them just because I was a bit drunk. Just because I was lying flat out on the couch with a bottle in hand did not mean I was passed out or beyond all coherent thought. These conversations happened often. Ray or Bob would argue with either Frank or Mikey about my self-destructive behaviour and I would lay on the couch or bed pretending to have passed out just so I could hear their true thoughts about me.

“C’mon Ray, stop being a dick,” Frank spoke up and he sounded almost bored by the conversation. “You know he’s had a rough time.”

Ray sighed with disgust, “For God sake Frank! That happened like five years ago or something. He needs to get over it. I’m sick of all this shit.” I heard him stomp towards the door, “I need a drink.”

The door slammed loudly and Frank hissed out of anger, “He’s become such a hypocrite. All he ever does is give out about Gerard and then he goes and does the exact same thing. He’s become such an asshole.”

He muttered a ‘good night’ to Mikey before coming over to where I lay on the couch. A blanket was placed over my shivering body and his lips grazed my forehead, “I wish we had the old Gerard back,” He whispered against my skin. “I miss him. G’night.”

I waited a while until I was sure Mikey and Bob had both also gone to bed. Then I pushed the blanket from off my legs and crept into the kitchen to the fridge where I found a crate of beer. It was cheap stuff and it tasted kind of nasty but all I cared about was the numb sensation it left me with. A joint was lying on the counter and I had a feeling Frank had forgotten he’d left it there. I smiled and picked it up; well if he’d forgotten it then I guess it was fair game for anyone else looking for a high. I grabbed my lighter out of my pocket and lit up. A smile overcame my face as I inhaled the bitter substance. These moments were the only ones in which the pain was manageable. Being high masked the pain with a numb sensation that let me feel almost… happy.
My life was falling apart at the seams, I wasn’t too far gone to not realise this, but I couldn’t find it in my hollow heart to care. All I wanted was the pain to stop and if that meant I had to get high and drunk then so be it.
Music no longer made me happy. It was because of music that she was no longer in my life. The shows I played were becoming worse with every passing day. My heart was no longer in the music I played because I had lost her . I often wished time would rewind so I could fix my mistakes. Maybe then I wouldn’t be stumbling around stage drunk with my jeans falling down. Maybe then, I’d be happy.

The high from the drugs soon faded and left me feeling worse than before. That’s the problem with drugs and alcohol, when you come down off your high you feel even worse than beforehand. You want to crawl into a little ball and hide away from the world. Sometimes all you want to do is die.
I couldn’t stand the pain in my heart any longer. With unfocused eyes I stumbled my way to the bus’ bathroom. I knew what I needed and where it was. My hands fumbled with the catch on the medicine cabinet until I finally go it open. I pushed aside bottles and creams until I found it . The silver glinted off my palm as I held it there a sick smile on my face. I pulled it across the pale skin of my bare arm. It stung and I hissed in pain. Physical pain was such a release from the emotional pain I had to endure everyday. It was amazing to feel this pain as I watched blood spread all across my arm. Beautiful.
Not bothering to bandage the wound I just made my way back to the main living area of the bus. I tore apart the cupboards until I found what I wanted - vodka. The liquid burned my insides and made my vision even blurrier than before. I shut my eyes and sat down on the couch as tiredness began to overtake my body. Deep down I knew that I should get up and wash away the blood but I was just too tired. My mind couldn’t find my body and I just wanted to surrender to the urge to sleep forever.

I was nearly gone from the world of the conscious when I heard the bus door slam open. My eyes were too tired to open but my ears focused on the steps as they came closer to where I lay. Whoever it was sat down at the edge of the couch and I could imagine them watching me.

“Gerard,” Ray’s unmistakable voice whispered. “What are you doing to yourself? This isn’t living. You’re tearing yourself apart. I miss the old you.”

I tried to form a reply, tried to comfort my childhood best friend. But it just came out as a load of mumbled mush that made no sense. Ray just sighed and turned me on my side before pulling the blanker over me once more.

“I love you man, I just wish you wouldn’t do this,” I could imagine his disappointed stare and I wanted to open my eyes to watch him but couldn’t find the energy. “Just sleep Gerard. We’ll deal with all of this tomorrow.”

He sighed once more before standing up and walking away. Before his steps had even reached the bunk room I was out cold, finally surrendering to the world of unconscious, the only place where pain didn’t exist.