Forever & Always.

Getting things arranged for Oisín’s trip to New Jersey was even more difficult than I had originally anticipated. Even with my connections in the social services sector things were slow moving. I found myself wanting to go back to Jersey more and more with each passing day, often referring to it as home. My mom was happy to have me back in Ireland and it made me feel so guilty that I didn’t really miss Ireland when I was in Jersey. The part of me that used to love Ireland was becoming smaller and smaller. Of course I’d always love the place I was born and raised in, but I was beginning to see Jersey as my real home – the place where I felt happiest, despite the bad memories. The place that held some of the most important people to me.

I’d been in Ireland nearly three weeks and I was itching to get back to Jersey. The dreary weather was making me miserable and I just wanted to go back to my boys and check up on all of them, make sure they were all okay. It’s weird how quickly you can fall back into old habits, I’d gone from not even knowing the MCR boys anymore to being their best friend again in just a matter of weeks. It was too easy to become the mothering one of the group once more, just like when we were teens. Too easy to fall back into old habits, like thinking of Gerard when I should be doing more important things.

“Ciara?” Oisín’s voice called me from downstairs, “Do you wanna make cookies with me and your mum?”

I left my bedroom and leaned over the rail at the top of the stairs until I could see the brunette boy standing at the bottom, “I think I’ll pass, dude.” I smiled down at him, “I think I’m gonna call Frank and catch up with him.”

The teenager’s eyes lit up with excitement at the mention of Frank’s name. It was his dream come true to know someone who was friends with My Chem. The mere mention of hanging out with them once we got to New Jersey always got Oisín excited about moving. It was probably the only positive thing he saw about moving. The kid was obviously going to miss Ireland, just as I had when my mom had pretty much forced me to move to Jersey so as to grieve Fergal away from his grave and his family who always made me feel guilty, as if my best friend’s suicide had been my fault. Even now, years on from then, I couldn't talk to his parents because they'd always make me feel like it was my fault that Fergal was gone. As if I should've stopped him – something I realised years ago that I couldn't do. It was going to be hard for Oisín to adjust to life in Jersey, but I was sure that hanging out with the MCR boys would help with that. I wanted that kid to be happy. He deserved nothing less than the best.

I smiled down at Oisín and waved him back into the kitchen where I was sure my mom was eagerly awaiting his return so they could make cookies. She really adored the teen, I think it made her happy to get to be a parent again, to be a mom. When he went back into the room I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialled the now familiar number.

“Hello?”

A smile crept across my face when I heard my friend’s voice, even if it was crackly due to the connection, “Hey Frankie.”

His sigh of relief came across loud even over the phone, “Thank God you called, C. Things are getting crazy over here.”

Frank went into a long explanation of everything that was going on back home. There it was again, that urge to call Belleville home. I shook my head clear and concentrated on what Frank was telling me about Gerard.

“He’s a complete mess, Ciara. It’s painful to watch,” He choked on his words and it was obvious he was trying not to cry. “He goes out with Bert nearly every night and they party until all hours. When he does come home Mikey says he’s always high or drunk. His mom and dad haven’t noticed yet, we’ve been saying he’s suffering from insomnia ‘cos of the touring, but that won’t work forever. They're gonna notice and it will crush them to see him like this.”

My left hand – the one that was not holding the phone to my ear – came up to massage the crease that had appeared on my forehead. I knew Frankie was expecting me to be upset about Gee, but I was more angry than upset. Gerard had promised me that he would try and stay clean without me but he obviously wasn’t. He couldn’t even be bothered to try and hide the fact that he wasn’t trying from the guys. I had promised to help him get clean and sober, but that didn’t mean I was always going to hang around and clean up all the messes he made of his life. He had to at least try and prevent the messes occurring in the first place. I couldn't be expected to fix everything – especially if he wasn't even going to try.

“I’ll be home as soon as I can, Frankie,” I assured my best friend. “I just need to get the last of the things sorted over here for Oisín then I can come home and help Gee.”

I may have been pissed with Gerard for his stupid behaviour and how I’d have to try and get him clean once more, but I had to help him. There was no way I could lose Gerard again, especially because – with the way his life was going – losing him for the second time may result in me losing him forever. I couldn’t let him overdose and throw away his life just like that. I couldn’t stand back and let another friend take their own life.

“Please, Ciara, come back really soon,” Frank’s voice made him sound so young and vulnerable. Even now, my short best friend was like a child. He was the kid you wanted to protect from all the evil in the world. I had to help him get through this time.

“I’ll be back soon, I swear.”

Frank made me promise that I’d come home three more times before he hung up, promising to call me tomorrow. The black and blonde haired rocker was so scared. His life was falling apart around him and he was scared that he’d lose everything. I didn’t want to see that happen because I knew it would break Frankie. Unlike the rest of us in our little group of friends, Frank was a lot more sensitive. He couldn’t cope with grief well. I remembered when he told me about the group’s friend, Matt, who committed suicide before I ever arrived in Jersey. Frank was so upset about it, he couldn’t deal with hardships like that, he was too naïve and innocent. I couldn’t let him face those kind of problems again. He wouldn’t lose Gerard or the band, well not if I had anything to do with it.



Claire Bray’s office was located all the way across town so Oisín and I had to drive for about half an hour to arrive for our meeting with her. The brunette seated beside me in the car was visibly nervous. His eyes darted along the street, not focusing on any one thing for more than a moment. The knee on his right leg kept jerking up and down and it was obvious the boy didn’t want to sit in the car much longer.

“C’mon,” I smiled over at him. “Let’s go get this sorted.”

Claire’s office was small and with the three of them in it, it felt even smaller. I sat opposite Claire’s desk with Oisín seated beside me. as if by instinct, Oisín’s hand came out to take mine. His palm was sweaty and shook slightly and I squeezed it reassuringly.

“Good afternoon Ciara and Oisín,” Claire smiled at both of us from behind her desk.

She had a stack of papers on her desk and I could see Oisín’s name on the top. I hoped they meant good news. Who knew if the young boy beside me could take any more bad news and disappointment?

“So,” Ciara picked up the stack of papers in front of her as she began speaking. “I’ve been in contact with your father, Oisín. It seems he does not have any problems with you moving.”

Oisín’s face dropped and I knew why. Although it was obvious he didn’t hold his father in high regard, the teen still wanted his father to keep him around. I squeezed his hand once more, hoping to comfort him. I knew how it felt to feel unwanted, to feel like those who said they loved you didn't actually care.

I looked up at Claire, hoping that she’d have some news that would help cheer up Oisín. She was looking over the papers she held with pursed lips. When she caught my eye she tried to smile but I could tell that she was worried about Oisín’s reaction too.

“Mr. Duffy only requests to meet with the proposed foster family before signing papers. Other than that all he has requested is access to Oisín, that is, to be invited to major events like graduation. I have already gotten Oisín a student Visa so you can go to New Jersey as soon as you all meet up and sign the papers.”

Oisín's eyes lit up and a huge smile appeared on his face. My heart swelled at the sight. That news had made him feel a lot better, I could tell. The reality of moving to New Jersey was now hitting him and he seemed genuinely excited. Claire obviously saw what I did too because she smiled almost fondly at the young boy in front of her.

“All you have to do Ciara, is meet with Mr. Duffy today at 3pm,” Claire handed me a piece of paper with a name of a local café on it.

Looking at my watch I realised it was already 2:30pm and that I’d need to hurry if I was going to meet with him. I grabbed my bag and stood up, getting ready to leave. “Thank you so much Claire. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

My college friend just smiled and waved off my gratitude, “It’s okay Ciara; you’d do the same for me.”
She said her goodbyes to Oisín and then we were on our way.



Only minutes after meeting Oisín’s father I could see why the teen didn’t like him. He was aloof and rude – as if his only child was of no importance to him. I was almost glad to be taking Oisín far away from him. Maybe he’d realise how important the teen was to him.
Nevertheless I was polite and introduced myself, even feigned interest in his stupid business that he cared so much about. I just wanted to get the papers signed and get out of there.

“So, Ciara,” Mr. Duffy gave me a somewhat forced smile. “Here are your papers signed and ready to go. And here’s my business card – I trust you will keep in contact with me on a somewhat regular basis.”

I nodded, “Of course sir. Thank you so much – this means a lot to Oisín.”

The older man just nodded and shook my hand before awkwardly ruffling his son’s hair. He said goodbye and was out the door. Just like that, he walked out of his son’s life. Oisín stared after him, no visible emotions on his face. I could see that this was hard for him, as it would be for anyone whose father walked out on them. I knew it had been hard on me when my dad walked out, but at least I’d still had my mum – as bad as our relationship was at the time – and I had Fergal. At least for a while anyway.

Standing up I reached out a hand for Oisín to take, “C’mon hon, let’s get you home and packed.”
The young teen was silent nearly the entire drive home and I knew better than to try to talk to him. He needed time to process. So, instead I dropped him off at my mum’s house to pack while she searched for flights for the two of us. While they did that I left the house, got back into the car and prepared myself to do something I’d really rather not.