Forever & Always.

I watched, in complete shock, as she walked away from me.

“Ciara?” I called weakly, my voice shaking with unshed tears. “Come back, please?”

But she didn’t even stop, just continued to walk away and I was too afraid to run after her. Afraid of the rejection. Afraid of her saying she hated me. I wouldn’t blame her if she did though. The guys and I had been pretty shitty friends to her when we’d first left Jersey. We’d gotten so caught up in the idea of being rock stars that we had forgotten all about our best friend back home.

Her head was held high as she walked away with that boy who was some form of patient or something, but I could tell that she was hurting, broken. I could see it in her eyes when she told me who she was. Her grey orbs were filled with years of pain and I couldn’t help but think that maybe it was me and the guys who caused her to look that way.

Suddenly I realised that I needed her back and jumped off the stage, running to the exit. I tore open the door and ran down the street, but I could see her nowhere. She was gone. Again. How could I let her walk away?
Sighing and shaking my head I decided it was time to head back to the tour bus.



The bus was absolute chaos. Ray was lying on the ground in front of his laptop trying, drunkenly, to have a Skype conversation with his girlfriend without letting on how wasted he was. Mikey and Bob were playing X-box trying to ignore what was going on around them, preferring to escape into a fictitious world where everything could be solved with the correct combination of buttons. Gerard was lying on the couch, his head lolling to the side as he slept, and a near empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his limp hand. The sight almost brought me to tears. It was so hard to watch my best friend willingly destroy himself.
He had been doing so well up to now, well maybe not well, but he had been coping since she left. He’d been dating a girl called Deana Hoh and, although I didn’t like her, at least she had made him somewhat happy. He’d been sober, clean, performing well. But then, just before the tour, she broke up with him, shattering his already weak heart into a million and one itty-bitty pieces. It had destroyed him. That night he had gone out with Bert McCracken who was in town with his own band, The Used, and they’d gotten smashed together. I remember what he was like when he stumbled in through the door at half one in the morning.

“Frankie,” He whined and I could smell alcohol off him from across the room.

“What Gee?” I sighed. It was late and we had a plane to catch in the morning, I wasn’t in the mood for his drunken shit.

“I miss Ciara,” He suddenly started sobbing and my heart melted at the sight. He looked so young, so innocent, so broken.

I went over to him and wrapped him up in my arms, “We all miss her Gee. But, she’s gone.”

He shook his head, “You don’t understand Frankie. I can’t do all this without her.”

I let go of him and cocked my head to the side, not understanding what he meant. “But you’ve been happy Gee, you’ve been fine without her.”

Again, he shook his head, this time so violently that his black hair flew all about his face. He pushed it away impatiently with both his hands, “No. I haven’t been coping. Deana broke up with me because of this.”

He pulled out a chain that hung around his neck. It was a simple silver chain with a familiar, shining silver ring threaded on it. I reached out and ran my fingers over the familiar green emerald that was set into the silver band.

“Is that…?”

He nodded solemnly, “Yeah, it’s the ring I gave Ciara. I need her Frankie. She’s the only girl I’ll ever love. Deana realised that and left me.”

For a drunk man he spoke clearly and I wondered if he was using alcohol as an excuse to talk to me about what was bothering him. He wasn’t one to talk about his feelings when he was sober, but maybe it had all gotten too much for him and he had to tell someone, so he was pretending to be drunk so he could speak without fear of judgement.

“Gerard,” I pulled at his chin so he was looking at me. “If it’s meant to be you’ll find her again. You’ll be together and be happy. But maybe you should try to move on without her, just in case.”

“No!” He replied angrily, “I’ll never want anyone but her and I need her back in my life.”

With that he stormed off in the direction of his room, not stumbling once. He was obviously nowhere near as drunk as he had pretended to be.
I sighed, placing my head in my hands. What if Ciara never came back? What would happen to my best friend?

I shook my head free of memories and stared once more at my broken best friend. He wasn’t going to last much longer. It was only a matter of time before he wound up in hospital, or worse, a grave. I had found the cure to his problem and then I had just let her walk right back out of my life again. How had I been so stupid? We needed her. It wasn’t just Gerard that was falling apart without her, we all were.

Gerard stirred a little in his sleep and I heard him murmur her name. sighing, I took the bottle from his hands and placed it on the table before murmuring in his ear, “We’ll get her back Gee, I promise.”

We would be back in Ireland in two weeks and I swore to myself that I would find her. For Gerard. For all of us.