About a Girl

I couldn’t tell what time of day it was when I woke up again. My memory felt blurry.

All I was sure of was that Kurt’s arms were encircling me and the sound of his soft, steady breathing. Even as I stirred, Kurt remained soundly asleep. I tried not to jostle him awake as I shifted to get a better look at him.

After angling myself closer, I studied the light creases in his face which, even in sleep, remained slightly strained from stress. He flinched in his sleep, as if he was still in pain even while in his subconscious. My body yearned to hold him and help him, but I felt powerless against the invisible monster.

My mind drifted back to our first kiss outside of the restaurant and his midnight confessions beforehand, urging me softly, “Don’t worry about me. You need to worry about yourself.”

Those words gave me little comfort as I continued to observe the pained expression on his face. Kurt finally began to stir, as if he could tell I was having an internal crisis. I pushed away my warring thoughts of him and drew myself closer to him as he shifted in the bed.

“Hey,” I greeted softly, kissing him gently under his jawline. The beginnings of stubble ticked my lips each time they touched his skin.

He smiled lazily, but still kept his eyes shut. “You’re still here.”

I laughed softly and brushed some stray hair from his face, “Look, if you want me to go…” Jokingly, I started to slide out of his grip and wrestle my way from under the covers.

Within the next moment, Kurt came to life and grabbed me tightly around the waist. He pulled me against his body and kissed the back of my neck, “I don’t know about that.”

I shivered from his touch and our close proximity, but managed to keep my voice steady, “What are you doing?”

Without a stop, Kurt trailed kiss on my shoulders and neck in a circular pattern. His breath warmed my skin as he said playfully, “I’m going to keep you here.”

I wriggled around in his hold to face him and started, “Well, if you know what’s best for you, you’ll, uh…” My half-hearted threat fizzled out as our eyes connected. I noticed the fading black marker on his chest spelling “Out” in my handwriting from our previous night together.

He brushed his fingertips along my arms and whispered, “What?”

Without another word, we simultaneously leaned towards each other and our lips connected. Eagerly, our mouths discovered each other’s again, as if for the first time. Kurt ran his hands through my tangled morning hair and gripped it slightly. I reacted to the slight tension and kissed him with a bit more force. Apparently, we were both tired of playing the silly cat and mouse game.

My hands found any exposed skin on Kurt that they could. I felt his chest and arms while kissing him, familiarizing myself with the contours again. Without a word, he flipped me onto the pillows giving my head a soft resting place as the action continued. Kurt straddled my body, immediately shifting the control of the session into his possession.

Even from my vantage point, I still felt his body and didn’t protest the change. Usually, our kisses were sweet and loving, but today they were long and passionate, almost hungry for each other in a way we had never been before. An undetermined amount of time passed with our lips connected. Things never progressed into a more sexual arena, but remained solely devoted to getting to know each other’s kisses.

Finally, we both broke away at the same time. Kurt plopped his body next to mine. We both held each other close and spent the next few moments panting. Our kisses were so intense that they took an enormous amount of energy from both of us.

Kurt hugged me closer and his lips grazed my earlobe as he whispered, “It’s never quite enough, is it?”

“No,” I agreed. “It never is.”

I felt even closer to Kurt after that. Like he was experiencing the same inner thread, pulling us towards one another. It made me feel completely safe and comfortable in his presence. Without speaking, he intertwined his fingers with mine and just stayed there for another few moments.

Somehow our simple moments of connection and expression of love were even more powerful than the more sexual ones. I had never felt so connected to another human being before like that. My previous relationships had been built around sexual chemistry and then friendship developed from there. With Kurt, we had started out the opposite way.

I loved spending time with him more than I loved sleeping with him, not that we even had had gotten to that point yet. But the connection was on a deeper level than just a physical connection and more intense than my previous relationships. We shared a mutual bond and a kindred spirit that ran deep between both of us.

Kurt pulled our entwined fingers to his lips and kissed each one of my individual fingers, looking into my eyes all the while. After a minute or two, he finally spoke, “Let’s get away for a while.”

I smiled softly, “For an adventure?”

He nodded softly, “The tour is about to start again and I want us to have some time together before all of that happens.”

The thought of him leaving for an extended period of time made me feel nervous. He was my best friend and I didn’t want to lose that compatibility with him being away. I pushed my worrying to the back of my mind for the moment and quickly agreed to go away with Kurt.

It might have been childish, but an impromptu trip with just the two of us was too tempting to ignore. Kurt refused to tell me where we were going and just urged me to pack enough clothes for a few days.

Unfortunately, to do the latter I had to visit my apartment. The one I shared with Heidi. I had no idea if she suspected Kurt and I were seeing each other. I figured she would find out eventually, but the longer I could put that off the better it was for Kurt and I. Keeping our relationship from her gave us more freedom and less drama to deal with.

Because I had gotten to Kurt’s house on foot after the altercation with Cory, he drove me back to my apartment. His car was beaten up from years of use which I found endearing; he didn’t change his entire lifestyle when he started to become successful. The rickety car shuttered to life and sped quickly down the backroad en route to my apartment complex. He played The Smiths loudly along the way.

Kurt parked a measurable distance away from the entrance of the building complex in hopes that he would go undetected by Heidi. I left him and quickly mounted the stairs to the upper floor. I pulled the handle and jiggled the key in the slot as quietly as I could. When I opened the door, I immediately spotted Heidi sprawled out onto the sofa in a set of cheetah print pajamas. Using the light from the flickering television, I saw Heidi quietly dozing on the couch with an empty bag of potato chip was crumpled by her side.

I breathed a sigh of relief that she was asleep, but knew that she could wake up at any time. I tip-toed to my bedroom and gingerly opened the door. Not only was I concerned that Heidi would confront me, but I was also terrified that Cory was somehow hiding out in my bedroom since the attack.

Kurt had insisted upon escorting me to the apartment because of the Cory incident, but I knew it was too risky when Heidi lived in the same building. I finally convinced Kurt to let me go alone, but the fear gripped me as soon as I turned the doorknob. I took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

My room was exactly how I had left it; cluttered with art supplies and abandoned clothes on the floor. The telltale signs of the attack remained indistinguishable with my already-jumbled mess of a room. Somehow this disturbed me deeply; How could I mentally even process an attack when the evidence blended in? Did this mean it didn’t even matter?

Tears sprung to my eyes quickly and I held them back from falling. Being in Kurt’s safe presence since the attack had shielded me from really processing my reactions to it. Since I was alone and back in the crime scene, I could feel all the tension, anger, and fear bubble return inside of me.

My room felt contaminated. Like it had been tainted from the attack. All of my art pieces didn’t shine with as much luster as before. Picking my room up or organizing my belongings felt meaningless. Everything in my room felt disconnected from me. This train of thought scared me and I started to get upset, almost to the point of a panic attack.

After a moment of internal freaking out, I pushed those drowning thoughts as far from my present as I possibly could and focused on the task at hand. Luckily, it seemed like Cory had left the scene long before so I didn’t need to worry about him anymore. I constantly reminded myself why I was there so I wouldn’t lose my head.

I quietly kept repeating out loud, “Okay, you need clothes. Clothes. Clothes. Clothes.” The constant repetition helped me hone in on getting the task done and then leaving as soon as possible.

I rummaged through my drawers and chose some clothes for the journey. Since Kurt refused to tell me where we were going, I settled on a wide-range of clothing styles. I packed everything with lightning speed and was finishing up in less than five minutes. Before I left the room, I glanced back at my closet with indecision.

I slowly walked to the open door and ran my hands along the hangers, mostly holding a series of black clothing. My fingers rested on a hanger near the end of the line with a flash of red clinging to it. Without further ado, I grabbed the article of clothing and quickly stuck it into my bag with a smile to save for later.

As I was about to exit the room, a folded piece of paper caught my attention. It was closed in the window sill so it could easily be found by anyone entering the room. My heart raced as I crossed the floor and recognized the handwriting; Cory.

I opened the window and snatched it from the window sill without reading the note. In anger and frustration, I slammed the window back down again and slammed the lock into place. Why couldn’t Cory just leave my life for good? Why did he insist on torturing me like this?

It was at that moment that I realized my mistake; I had made a loud sound by slamming the window shut. I heard Heidi’s panicked voice, still rough from sleep, come from the living room. “Wh-Who’s there? Ally is that you?” The couch squeaked as she stood up.

I froze in the middle of the room unable to move, gripping the note in one hand.