About a Girl

After a sunrise and one very awkward car ride home, I was finally back in my tiny apartment listening to the Grateful Dead. The more the record player spun, the longer I could trick myself into thinking that everything was okay. The guilt I felt for starting ties to Kurt was trumped by the remembrance of his lips. Cliché or not, I couldn’t believe something that felt so right could cause this much friction in my life.

Deep inside, I knew that the relationship between Kurt and Heidi was falling to pieces. The frustrating part to me as an outside observer was the lack of passion between them. Kurt was surprisingly gentle and extremely intelligent. Heidi was the last person I thought would ensnare his heart.

Though I felt an unexplainable connection to Kurt, the musician would be off-limits territory to me until he was single. Even being his friend was difficult. Thinking back to our last passionate kiss, I could feel the heat of desire raise the temperature of my body.

While I was still blushing, there was a soft patter at my window frame. Despite my better judgment, I pulled the blinds open to feed my growing curiosity. Slightly damp from the earlier ran, Cory stood outside of my window. I jumped backwards in surprise as he raised a tentative hand in greeting.

Our last encounter had been less than cordial and I was a little hesitant to let him inside. However, when Cory waved a bottle of wine outside the glass window, I jerked the aged wood open slightly, “What are you doing here, Cory? You can’t just come by like this.”

The scent of alcohol reeked from his body.

“Hey, I’m coming to see you.” He told me, rolling his bloodshot eyes. With his free hand, he yanked the window up further and started crawling inside.

Alarm bells started ringing in my head, “Uh…”

Cory only laughed at my strong reaction and swayed slightly on his feet. “Don’t be so surprised that I’d come visit you. I’ve really missed you.” He lay down on my bed where I was only moments before and a crease in his brow formed. “What have you been up to the last couple of days?”

I sighed and the tension left my body. This drunk Cory needed my help. It was like all of our years of friendship. I had to be the caregiver. Soon enough, I lay down beside him, propping a pillow underneath my head. “Shouldn’t you know already? I thought you were stalking me.”

I had always had a weak spot for Cory and probably always would. No doubt, he knew me the best out of anyone in the world. His eccentric demeanor had only increased in craziness over the years use due to his constant alcohol and drug abuse. It left him a hallowed man. It was moments like this that I saw the old Cory even through the alcohol.

And that gave me hope.

Surprisingly, he laughed really hard at my comment. Cory absentmindedly rubbed my arm while he began speaking, “Nah. I just happened to see all of that the other day. Between you and Kurt, I mean. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Still…” I raised an eyebrow, “I don’t believe in coincidences.”

Cory became serious again, “Kurt isn’t here, right?”

“I haven’t seen him since last week.” I told Cory honestly. At the mention of the time spent apart, my heart sank a little bit.

“You were with him then?”

I nodded. “Just riding around. I found this record at an antique store with him too.”

“It sounds like pretty good quality; not a lot of scratches.” Cory commented, listening to the band play on. “You should have picked me up though. I’ve been looking for some good vinyl for a while now. This area seems to have hit a dry spell.”

“Maybe you should be around here more often.” I told him with a genuine smile. I ruffled my fingers through his hair quickly like so many times in the past. It was so easy to be around Cory. Yet it felt so complicated now. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages… But I’m not gonna lie; you really scared me at the carnival.”

No trace of the madness I had seen at the fair remained in his eyes. Cory looked sincere in all regards, but I knew him better. I knew I couldn’t trust him.

“I’m just looking out for you,” came his reply just as my suspicion began to creep in.

“… Or not letting me move on.” I told him bluntly, looking directly in to his eyes. I shuffled around on the sheets putting a bit more space between us. I should have been outraged and upset at his appearance, but I wanted to help him so bad. It felt like he needed me more than ever.

“We have to talk about what we have between us.” Cory said in a somewhat pleading tone. He raked a hand through his hair, “I’ve been through a lot of shit. With Lewis dying--.”

“I know.” I wouldn’t have him repeat the story of his brother’s death. It was something that had haunted him for many years probably increasing the stress to a volatile level. It was one of the many reasons that it was so hard for me to cut him out of my life.

Yet this tragedy was by no means a crutch Cory could use to play on my affection. I firmly put a voice to my thoughts, “Friendship is what we have.”

“Then that’s what you have with Kurt too. You shouldn’t make room for someone else when our relationship isn’t finished. It’s still real for me, Ally. I remember everything.” He told me sitting up abruptly and getting red in the face.

Despite my building anger, I ignored his mention of Kurt. None of that was his business. Our relationship wasn’t even on the best terms right now so it stung to think of the Nirvana frontman. I bit my lip, thinking of too many things at once.

“He’s with Heidi… so it can’t happen.” Cory told me. He wasn’t giving up on the Kurt topic even when I hadn’t replied. In a way, Cory sounded like he was trying to brainwash me. “It just can’t. Okay?”
I sighed for a multitude of reasons. The first was because a fully grown Cory was pleading for my love in such a desperate way. I knew I couldn’t be involved with him. As much as I treasured our teenage memories, I knew Cory was a poison in my life. He’d come in waving flares to get my attention and then leave me blind, searching for that light.

The second reason I sighed was in defeat. Cory was right about one thing; I couldn’t date Kurt. Not with these extraneous circumstances. If I started something romantic with Kurt, I would be just as bad as Heidi. Even though my heart was screaming profanities at me, my head was taking the logical route.

I didn’t answer anything he had said. I needed to keep some thoughts to myself. Instead, I tugged on his arm, “C’mon. Let’s get you something to eat. It’ll help curb the hangover you’ll have once the booze wears off.”

Surprisingly, Cory allowed me to lead him out of my bedroom and into the adjoining living room. Soon, exactly like many times in our teenage years, Cory pulled out a bottle of alcohol from his backpack.

“Nice, eh?” He asked with a goofy smile.

“You know, I’d probably be more impressed if you weren’t over twenty-one.” I told him, but reached for the bottle. “I don’t think you should have any more tonight. You’re already drunk.”

“Just shut up, Ally.” Cory laughed, but the comment left a sour taste in my mouth. “I’ve been saving this for a while so we could share it.” However, the bottle was half gone already. He took the stopper out with fumbling hands me popping open the bottle and grabbed two cups nearby. “How about a glass to celebrate our friendship?” His tone sounded more than a little bitter.

I laughed nervously, but didn’t feel any warmth in the turn of conversation. “No, I’m alright. Let’s just get something to eat,” I insisted, trying to distract Cory. I took the bottle from his hand and placed it on the counter.

“No, I want you to drink with me.” Cory pressed, moving closer to me. My immediate reaction was the back away from him. I ended up running into the counter. Reaching for the bottle of wine, Cory pressed his body against mine. “Help me toast.”

Something in his eyes wasn’t right. My alarm bells started ringing when he started playing with the belt loops on my jeans. “Please, Cory…”

I tried to sidestep him, but he predictably stopped my escape. Cory leaned in closer and the stench of alcohol flooded my entire sensory board. With a whisper, he said, “You used to love me.”

“Love.” I repeated, choking on the word. “People who love each other don’t do this.”

With that, his lips pressed on my shoulder and I pushed him away. That shove helped me gain some ground and I ran to the opposite side of the room, trying to reach the door. Cory was quickly in pursuit and caught hold of my hand.

I yelped as he pulled me to the carpet. I attempted an Army crawl, but was soon pulled backwards by my feet. Cory looked possessed by the alcohol. But with as many times as I had been drunk, I couldn’t imagine turning into a monster.

“What are you doing?” I shouted, kicking him with my feet.

He held my flailing legs and leaned closer, “Nothing we haven’t done before.” His hands moved to the button of my jeans and everything fell into place. After that, I began to get hysterical. I clawed the floor for anything I could use to defend myself, but came up empty.

“Stop!” I yelled as loud as I could.

Before I could begin to call for help, Cory did the unthinkable. His fist made contact with my face before I could process anything else. The world swam before me and I almost lost grip on reality. He shook me violently on the floor, repeating, “Shut up! Shut up!”

The adrenaline of the fight kept me from surveying my injuries. The first and only thing I could think of was my self-preservation. The tears streaming down my face were my only weakness. I continued to squirm on the ground trying to break free.

With a crazed look, Cory pulled me to him and straddled my body, restricting my range of mobility. He punched me one more time for good measure which slowed down my react time significantly. Using that leverage, Cory began to shrug down my jeans.

Determination crackled inside of me like a forest set ablaze. Then, with as much energy as I could muster, I slapped Cory across the face. The action caught him off guard for just the right amount of time to wriggle out from under him.

The front door was too far away for a feasible escape, so I bolted to my room. Despite my pants being halfway down, I tripped through the door in just enough time. Cory ran to my bedroom as well, but the slap and alcohol slowed him down this time. I had enough time to lock the door before his body slammed up against it.

I sunk down the wood door onto the floor. Cries pulled at the inside of my chest threatening to overwhelm me. I knew I wasn’t in safe territory yet. I could hear Cory yelling from the other side of the barrier, “Let me in! I love you, Ally. And I just want to have you. Just once. Just one more time.” The fist he had carelessly hit me with now pounded at the door. “Ally, let me in! I’m sorry.”

With trembling fingers, I re-buttoned my jeans as my thoughts raced. It was hard to string together rational thoughts as my brain pounded. But I knew that the only way out now was through the window.

Without hesitation, I swung my leg over the window pane. I wasn’t sure how long it would take Cory to realize I left. I acted as if he was in pursuit because, honestly, he very well could be. I didn’t realize where my feet were leading me until I turned onto the familiar drive.

Sprinting to the porch, I frantically rang the doorbell while knocking furiously on the door. “Help! It’s Ally. Please let me in!”

After a moment, the door swung open with Krist on the other side.

But I only had eyes for the stringy-haired man in the back. His crystal blue eyes were wide with fear as he pushed himself to the front of the doorway. “Holy shit! Ally!”

“Kurt.” I replied weakly, feeling all of the adrenaline and energy drain from my body in a great rush. Before I could do anything else, I felt my grasp on the world slip away.

The glimpse of blue flannel.

A warm pair of arms.

The smell of cigarettes.

Hitting the floor.

Darkness.