Bulletproof Love

I'll sing along, oh
'cause I don't know any other song.
I'll sing along,
but I'm barely hanging on.
No, I'm barely hanging on.
By the time you're hearing this I'll already be gone,
and now there's nothing to do but tear my voice apart.
Nothing to do,
and scream at the drunken moon.



Zacky

I had known Brian my whole life. From when we were in diapers, to when we first both got drunk, slept with a random chick and ended up in jail. Of course it was only later we both found out we didn’t like chicks… we liked dicks instead. I had known Brian when we first entered school till when we first entered collage. We were together through thick and thin, sadness and happiness.

Everyone would ask where the other was if we went anywhere alone. We’d constantly be asked if we had hooked up and our his answer would always be no. Well as far as I went, you could figure out what it was. It wasn’t until our last year in collage did I even give that a thought.

And the way this thought was awoken in me was the oddest ever, it was by something Brian said;

”Love? Love is friendship. If they can’t be my best friend, how can I think about falling in love with them? If they aren’t someone who completely gets me, how are we supposed to start any relationship? So simple, love is friendship.”

The minute he said that, my head snapped up and stared at him. He turned back and winked, smirking, while mouthing, ‘I so just thought of that off the top of my head.’ And without a backward glance, he turned back around and chuckled. I gave him a weak smile but my thoughts were already on overdrive.

Love is friendship…

Did that mean Brian loved me? Could that mean Brian loved me? I mean, it was a silly thought but it was all I could think about. Now, if anyone knew Brian, they knew that was the biggest player out there. He would go around and hook up with random guys, telling them they were wonderful and all that and than within a week, he’d have disappeared. I know, how could I be friends with someone like that? Simple, he had a good heart.

I knew the dude before I could even talk. I knew him growing up so I knew how he was. Sure, he had this bad boy, rebel exterior, but on the inside he genuinely was one of the sweetest men I knew; he just had a hard time expressing his feelings. I on the other hand, well lets say sometimes I let my feelings get the better of me.

By the ending of first term of collage, everyone could already tell I had the biggest school boy crush on Brian; only he couldn’t. And the one responsible to that was someone named James Owen Sullivan.



Can we lose our minds
And call it love for the last time?
(Yeah)
My darling never rest
Until the darker gets
The best of all we had
Can the cold carry on?

When the light means nothing to you
Then no one would know
The sound of a ghost
And I might be perfect with you
But no one would know



Jimmy

I had come back to collage due to my father begging me to. I was fine at the collage I was going to, but nope, dad wouldn’t have it. He said he wanted me to finish my last year near home so that they could come, and congratulate me when I finished… They couldn’t do that where I was before? Well, that’s my pops for you; forever weird, but unique in his own way. So, here I was walking down the unfamiliar corridors when I bump into the one mans dreams I never intended to break; Zacky Baker.

The green eyed man was nothing but smiles and warm welcomes, until he came along. His name was Brian Elwin Haner Jr. and he was the collages badass player. I rolled my eyes at his antics at first; he just seemed like a scumbag. No offence of course.

I would usually end up hanging out with Zack because everyone thought I was too good for this place, seeing as where I had come from. But you see, the one scumbag I refused to talk to much less want to be friends with, ended up being that one guy who wouldn’t just leave me the fuck alone. I mean, was it seriously that hard? Like fuck, I sometimes just wanted to hit him in the face. Sure, I was bisexual, which I never figured out how he knew, but I wasn’t attracted to him like ever other girl was here…

Well, that was until I saw him in the last place I could think of; church. I never pinned Brian Haner to be a church goer, much less a believer. He just seemed like he didn’t give two fucks about religion; but clearly I was wrong. He walked out on that Sunday afternoon, just as I was walking in, “Fuck…” it was a brief and silent one that caught my attention. My eyes widened as, for the first time, a felt a small smile tug upon my lips, “Brian Haner, a church goer?”

He blushed furiously and looked down, biting his lip. And for the first time I saw a complete opposite side of the boy I knew at school. He shrugged and nodded feebly, “That’s…uh, that’s really shocking but… really cool dude. Does anyone know?” His eyes snapped up and they widened. He shook his head violently and gulped,

“Don’t you fucking dare tell anyone Sullivan not even Baker!” My eyes widened and I chuckled, hands up in defense, “Alright man, don’t bite my head off. If it bugs you so much, why do you go?” I knew I got him in that sentence because he stuttered and faltered before muttering a few words that I was pretending to not hear. Finally sighing he answered,

“My mum used to say a man’s head bows down before three people,” I raised an eye brow at this, a smile playing across my lips, “His mother, God and…” He didn’t finish though. He just looked up and grinned slyly. I raised an eye brow, “…and?” He chuckled and shrugged, beginning to walk off, “…and…” And with that he was gone. But I did find out the third person…

He had found my house somehow—I don’t even want to know how—and he climbed up grabbing my attention. I gave him a wide eyed look, “Dude, you’re gonna fall the fuck down! Get the hell out of here.” He just grinned like a cocky bastard and strolled inside. I sighed and when he made himself comfy on my bed I raised an eye brow, “Aren’t you supposed to he with Zacky?” Now it was his turn to raise an eye brow, “Uh, no. We doesn’t own me man, we’re just friends.” He chuckled to which to gave a look; just friends? I thought they were best friends. But the way he acted made it seem like Zack could mean less. I sighed and sat on the edge of my bed,

“Oh, I was just gonna ask you to sit!” He was gonna ask me to sit on my own bed? Wow, “Wow, thanks for the invitation man.” He grinned like a loser and picked up the book I was reading. He skimmed through some pages to which I watched amused; he was something else.

“Isn’t this the same book where they find out in the end that the butler was the killer?” I raised an eye brow and annoyed manner. He seemed unfazed and grinned, “Thanks, now I don’t have to read it.” I gave him a sarcastic look to which he smiled back, as though he did me a great service; bastard. He started going through my stuff and I huffed, “I think it’s time you leave Brian, I need to go to sleep and tomorrow I have to other shit, so you should just leave now and we—” but he silenced me by placing his lips upon mine.

It was a simple peck to which he backed out from, grinning. I glared at him with a questioning look, “I had to shut you up somehow,” I gave him a look as to tell him to continue, he sighed, “You asked a question the other day, I never answered it. A mans head bows down before three people; his mother, God….and.” And than he did the most insane thing ever; his head bowed down before me. My eyes widened as he kept it bowed and only when I stuttered did he look up. And the look caused me to gasp; his eyes held such love, I was thrown backwards.

“…and.” The third person was the one you loved the most; I figured it out. I looked at him shocked and overwhelmed, “Brian…” He chuckled and shushed me, “You don’t have to answer me I just wanted to tell you that.” And with that he crept out of my window. My mind was blank as I thought about that. That had got to be one of the sweetest and most sincere ways anyways ever told me they loved me.



And I don't care if you're sick,
I don't care if you're contagious.
I would kiss you even if you were dead.
Would somebody make me go blind for the rest of my life?
'Cause I'd do anything to hold your hand.
And I don't care if you're sick,
I don't care if you're contagious.
Oh, no.
Would somebody make me go blind for the rest of my life?
'Cause I'd do anything, anything, anything.

They'll never take us alive,
'cause I'll chase away the darkness.
I'll live in love and die.
I joined the party for the recently blind.
So if we're heading there together you can sing all night.

I'm gonna tear out the thread one by one from your skin
'till your bones feel embarrassed by all the attention.
Kiss me while I drive.



Brian

Zacky and I had everything growing up; meaning each other. We’d do the craziest shit but we wouldn’t care. If he got in trouble, I’d be there for him, and if I got in trouble he’d be there for me. We were thickest thieves and we knew we’d be best friends till the end.

There wasn’t anyone out there like Zack. He was funny, clever and compassionate. I think that’s what did it for me; since I was the jerk in the group, we needed a compassionate one. I didn’t pretend I knew what I was and what I did; I just didn’t care. This was my prime time and I’d be crazy to tell you if I was not gonna fucking live it up. But than someone always ended up getting hurt.

And that’s where Zacky would step in. The kid was sweet and could make anything better. That’s why I felt bad, I felt like I did take advantage of his niceness, sometimes I did lean on him for support to much, but he never complained so I didn’t say anything. We were gonna be together forever so what was the use, right…

Wrong, everything fell apart the minute Jimmy came. I fell so fucking hard for that kid, I didn’t even think. He was perfect in ever fucking way and I wanted him so badly I didn’t see who I’d hurt in the process. Of course I didn’t even know I’d be hurting the best friend I always had… I never thought about it twice. But Jimmy did…

Jimmy was just like that, he’d see everything others couldn’t and he’d try and fix it. Just the way he tried to fix Zack when he came to collage with outrageously purple hair and everyone pretty much just stood and pointed. I saw the happy smile on his face but I never saw the sadness when everyone was cruel. Jimmy did though… He ran after him, and comforted him and that was another thing that caught me about him… he was just as compassionate as Zack. He was just as sweet and kind as my best friend, but I didn’t take him for granted…

Of course after a while I knew Jimmy couldn’t withstand my charm… Ok, that was a big lie but it took me a while to finally get him, but I did and I couldn’t be happier that I did. He was something else, Jimmy was. He had the craziest ideas and the sweetest personality, I was honestly thinking of settling down with this man. I wanted too… I really wanted to. But I had also noticed a change in Zack.

He came to me the day I told Jimmy I loved him, he came to me and said he wanted to tell me something. Of course, being myself I put my needs above his and like always, he let me. And when I told him, I swear I saw his face falter, I swear I saw his eyes widen, but not in happiness in shock and I swear I heard a gasp… but I did the one thing I’d regret for the rest of my life; I ignored it. Of course after that Zacky was all smiles and hugs and told me to go for it but… he never told me his secret…

Of course, how was I supposed to see the tragedy that would follow after that…



This isn't fair!
(No!)
Don't you try to blame this on me.
My love for you was bulletproof but you're the one who shot me.
And god damn it, I can barely say your name,
so I'll try to write and fill the pen with blood from the sink.
Woah oh
But don't just say it, you should sing my name.
Pretend that it's a song 'cause forever it's yours



Zacky

I had had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. Everyday I’d say things to myself to try and forget him and everyday I’d fail; I’d always fail. It wasn’t fair, it just fucking wasn’t. I was there for him forever, I was the one who helped him up when he fell, I was the fucking one who fucking helped him even meet Jimmy…and he choose him? He couldn’t tell… he really fucking couldn’t… than how did Jimmy?

I had packed my bags the day he told me he loved him; that was the last straw. I needed to get the fuck out. Mom wanted me back home and I was most likely just going to stay there and help her with our self own shop. I didn’t really care, I’d find someone else, I’d find someone better…

It was a lie, I never would… I knew it when I looked into Jimmy’s eyes. I knew he knew because he gave me one of the most heart wrenching looks of sorry. His eyes welled up but he dare not look away. He knew, he knew I loved Brian, and he also knew that Brian never figured it out. I gave him a weak smile. I went to walk inside the train but Brian caught my arm.

His eyes were wet with tears, “What the fuck Zack, you’re just gonna leave me?” I chuckled and looked down, my own eyes welling up.

“You have Jimmy, go bug him now, I’m tired of you.” I said it in a joking manner but Brian face fell; good, feel my pain. His eyes looked sad, “Hey, what the hell man, you can’t just say that… you’re my best friend; you can’t just leave me…” he whispered the ending, his eyes watering more. I bit my lip to stop the tears.

God, what I’d give just to reach out and kiss those lips. I’d love to just kiss them forever but they weren’t mine. I looked away, “I’m sorry Brian, I have to go… mom needs me back, the shops doing bad and they need young blood and I can just finish up collage there…” but I knew he wasn’t listening to it.

He grabbed my arm and pulled me off the train; fuck! We barely had 3 minutes before we left and he was dragging me off and back to pain? I saw Jimmy close his eyes and look away, breathing ragged. I clenched my teeth, “That’s fucking bullshit… I need you more than you’re mom, I’m your best friend…and you’re gonna leave now?” I glared at him slightly and pulled my arm free of his grasp. I climbed up on the foot step and stood there, giving him a sorry look. He glared and flipped me off… “Ok, so you’ll leave but without a real explanation,” I bit my lip, “Fine, go the fuck away… I don’t need you anyways.” I tried to get my two cents in but he wouldn’t have it.

“Brian, I’m so—”

“Fuck off Zack, I don’t need you anymore.”

“But Bri, just let me explain—” Cut off again.

“Nope, I don’t care Zack, save it, I could care the fuck less.” He sneered and was walking back to Jimmy… The train whistled, he stilled.

He gulped and turned back around, eyes wide. I looked at him with the same wide eyes. My eyes briefly locked with Jimmy’s and he gave me another sad smile and looked away. Closing his eyes; he knew he got in the middle. He knew it and I wasn’t going to deny it. He knew the truth and soon, Brian would end up knowing as well…No good staying then, it just be awkward. Jimmy breathed in and I saw the first of his tears start to fall.

… the train whistled again.

Brian’s eyes widened as he groaned, “FUCK! Zack, Zacky, come on man, please don’t go… I fucking need you man, I haven’t ever spent a day without you, please stay…”I grounded my teeth together as the train started to move. Brian jogged up alongside it easily; he was athletic, I wasn’t even close… Another thing Jimmy had that I didn’t…

“I know but my mom does too…You have Jimmy now, he’ll be there.” Brian shook his head and tried to grab for my hand. My first instinct was to pull back but I let him grab it, “Yeah, but you’re my best friend… You’ve been there forever, you can’t just up and leave…” his voice broke and I squeezed his hand smiling,

“I’ll write.” He growled and squeezed my hand harder. I gasped and I looked at him shocked,

“Everyone always says that, they never do. You’re gonna forget me aren’t you…?” It finally dawned on him as his eyes widened and more tears started to leak. I bit my lip and shook my head; ’I could never forget you… even if I wanted to’.

“…I could never…” he started to sob now. I chanced a look at Jimmy and saw his face wet with tears also. He shook his head; his apology. I had already forgiven him, it wasn’t his fault after all. Brian grabbed for my hand for longer and I squeezed back smiling,

“Man, I fucking miss you ya? A lot, don’t ever forget that…” I chuckled as I felt his hand let go of mine. My heart shattered into a million at this point. I gulped and nodded, smiling a bit, “I’ll fucking miss you too… till the end?” Brian closed his eyes and chuckled broken,

“We’ll ride as one.” He said back, a sad smile on his lips, tears just slipping past his well defined cheekbones. I quickly chanced a look at Jimmy and gave him my last goodbye. He smiled tightly, still looking as though he was not supposed to be here. I nodded and smiled. Before I had left, I gave him a bracelet me and Brian had only. It was our best friend bracelet and we said we’d never part with it. It was my way of saying that Brian wasn’t mine anymore and that he was yours; it was my way of letting him take my Brian…

“Unstoppable…” I mumbled as I shared my last smile with the man that went from my best friend to my first uncompleted love…



And they'll never take us alive.
(Can you chase away the darkness?)
To live in love and die.
Last night she recited every reason she's fine.
So if we're heading there together at the same time,
you sing while I drive.



Brian

My fucking best friend had just left right before my eyes… How could he? How could Zack have done that? I-I thought everything was fine, he was fine? But he wasn’t and I should have figured that out that night I confessed everything. I walked backwards back to Jimmy and stood beside him. He gave me one of the saddest smiles. I hugged him around the waist as I just let everything out, crying my heart out.

Jimmy held me close, whispering nothing and everything to sooth me. I sighed as I caught sight of the bracelet me and Zack had made. I looked up at Jimmy as he gave me a pained look. And I didn’t need to ask the reason; his eyes said them all. It was written clearly in them…

As he handed me the bracelet, I finally figured out why Zack left…

Zachary Baker had come to me that night, in the rain to tell me he loved me. It was the same night I told him I had fallen for Jimmy… He left because I had loved Jimmy…

My eyes started to prick again, “It isn’t fair…” Jimmy stroked my face, biting his lip and kissed me softly, “I-I’m sorry Bri…”

And after all that I thought that maybe, just maybe if I started a new life with Jimmy, I’d be able to forget Zacky… I thought the pain would eventually start to subside. Who knew I was going to loose my best friend and the love of my life….