Claddagh

“I can’t do this anymore,” she told him, grey eyes hard as they stared into his. Liam’s face fell, eyes wide as she shook his head. The confusion was clear, as was the hurt, as he slid the small silver band back onto his own finger.

“I don’t understand Sky,” he told her, voice pleading as he reached out, grabbing her hand. She yanked it backwards, perhaps harder than necessary, but it got her point across. Sky didn’t want to do this, to break this man’s heart. He was her best friend and they truly had something beautiful. It wouldn’t last though, and she refused to allow him to break her heart. So it was going to end now. Maybe she hadn’t quite expected it to happen today, or even tomorrow, but the end was inevitable and it seemed the right time when he tried to slip the claddagh ring onto her finger.

He had taken her hand once dinner had ended, fingertips just as cool as her own from their wine. Liam’s eyes were wide and so dearly blue, sparking in the dim lighting of his apartment, part alcohol, part excitement; anticipation. He’d grinned so wide, in a way he rarely did, for he was naturally shy and reserved, even now. Always he would second-guess himself, halting and stuttering, before blurting out his thoughts in a rather messy and chaotic sort of way.

He had smiled after dinner though it was nervous but, she could see the quiet hope in his eyes, the confidence that she felt the same as he, or at least near it. The only hope she had was that he had taken her right hand, not the left. But he was Irish her mind had reminded her. She wasn’t quite sure of their traditions.

“We’re young, I know that,” he’d told her, voice lilting due to his accent. The excitement he’d felt was obvious in his voice alone, in the sudden thickness of his English, “but I love you and I think you love me.” Liam paused, looking up with hopeful eyes framed by thick black lashes and Sky had found herself lost. She always did when he gave her that look, unintentional but so breathtaking. “I’m not asking you to marry me, not yet. I’m only asking you to consider it, and consider this a promise of the future.” He’d slid the claddagh ring from his finger, its small green jewel glinting as he fingered it gently. His mother had given it to him upon her deathbed as she’d had no daughters to continue the tradition with.

Sky had kept her face carefully neutral until he’d slid the ring closer, still looking at her for an answer just to be sure. It was the way her heart swelled at the genuine love in his eyes that had her shaking her head. It was when she gave him a sad shake of her head that he gave her a look so broken that she hated herself. That was what had led to her quiet statement of surrender. She couldn’t do this to herself anymore.

“I told you we were never meant to be serious Liam.” Sky took his hand, pulling him to his feet and he gave her a nod, slow and pained.

“You’re right. I’m sorry Sky. That was stupid of me, to expect-“

“No, no don’t apologize. You want to settle down, that isn’t something to be sorry for. I just can’t be that girl for you.” Sky gave him a gentle nod, a goodbye, until he grabbed her hand again.

“You feel the same as I do,” he said fiercely though his words were still quiet. She couldn’t help but smile at his endearing accent, even if it was a sad one. Sky didn’t want to do this. She didn’t want to hurt him like this, or break her own heart because in the end, he was right. But it was necessary and she couldn’t help it. If she didn’t it would only hurt him more later.

“Sometimes that isn’t enough Liam. I have to go. I’m sorry I let this go on for so long.” He didn’t say anything more, only watching her leave the apartment. She glanced back only once, after she’d grabbed her purse, before walking out. The bright gleam of his silver ring called to her, reminding her of her guilt.

Only once she was on the street did she allow herself a small, choked sob. It took all of her will to rein in her cries but she did, plastering a pitifully false smile onto her face. The worst part of it was that she knew none of her friends would even notice. It wasn’t that they didn’t care but she was just that good.

Sky forced herself to walk all the way home, feet hurting by the time she reached her apartment. Three miles in 6” heels hadn’t been the smartest of her ideas but it hurt and it made her breath out a sigh of relief as she stumbled into her apartment. She laughed quietly at the bleeding blisters on her heels when she kicked her purple silk shoes off, bitter and angry.

Slowly she walked into her bedroom, straight to the wall above her bed. The soft flicker of the streetlights kept it bright enough in her room that she could se to pull off the small heart of blue, the perfect color to match Liam’s eyes, from her bulletin board. The heart was decorated in a rather gaudy fashion, with shamrocks and sequins that they’d put on together, laughing the entire time. In the center was the only truly serious part of the heart, with Liam’s drawing of two people dancing, smiles wide though neither had any other feature on their face.

With shaking hands Sky pulled the thumbtack from the little heart and walked to her closet, smiling at the pulling on her heels, the blisters that were growing worse from her careless walking. She curled up in the corner of the closet and pulled out a jar, unfastening the lid. Inside were hearts, shades of every pink and red. She knew on them there would be a name, some with a few sparse decorations. Only Liam’s was blue though, and only it had such ornate designs. He’d laughed when he’d first seen the heart above her bed, smiled even when she’d told him why it was there. There was nothing serious about their relationship anyway, not in the beginning. It was on the third day they’d been together that he’d shown up and demanded that it be decorated.

From where she sat on the floor she could see her nightstand, could just see the outline of papers on it. She took a deep breath, remembering with terrible clarity the words printed there, cold and emotionless. They were the same for everyone. With shaking hands she pulled a small piece of construction paper from one of her closet shelves and ripped a heart out of it. Next to the jar was a box of art supplies that she and Liam had bought together. She pulled out one of the black markers and scrawled “BITCH” across the front of the bubblegum pink paper.

She’d had such stupid, hopeless dreams for her and Liam. They would live happily ever after. They would go to Ireland so she could meet more of his family. She’d only met his brother, his twin with the same eyes but such a strong confidence that the two could never be mistaken for each other. He’d been fun, someone she would have liked to know better. Mostly she suspected, because he was another insight to Liam, another piece of his beautiful life that had been hard but bright.

Crumpling the heart up she threw it into the jar and screwed the lid back on as tears finally began to escape. She pulled her knees to her chest and sobbed, hating herself. Sky wasn’t entirely sure when it had happened, when she’d become so closed off and scared. She suspected it coincided with the first bruise.