You Know I Still Get Lost in Your Eyes

When I woke up, Kenneth was home. He was rocking kade back and forth slowly, I watched as her eye fluttered close and her body became limp in his arms. Her head resting on his shoulder as her breaths deepened. I took a deep breath and sat up rubbing my head. I couldn't see through my puffy eyes, I don't remember crying. I didn't remember why I started and when. Sometimes they just come out and then there's nothing I can do. He turns around, glancing briefly at me before turning back and walking towards kade's room. I sighed and groaned, because the look he just gave me made me automatically know that he wanted to talk about something. I wasn't emotionally ready today to talk about anything, so I got up and headed toward our bathroom, turning the water on slightly and adjusting it until it felt right to me. I turned around slowly on my heel and stared up right into kenneth's eyes. He had on his concerned face, leaning against the door way with his arms crossed over his chest. "Toni" He started slowly, taking a deep breath. "Are you okay?" I sighed and raked my fingers through my disleveled hair. "I'm fine" I tell him emotionless, my eyes glancing towards the ground.

I brush past him into our bedroom, pulling the dresser open so I could find some pajamas. "You don't look okay to me, babe" I rolled my eyes and opened another drawer looking for a big shirt. "I said I'm fine" He sighs and walks over towards the bed, taking a seat at the edge. "Toni, I know you're not. You've been crying. You haven't been eating right. And your mother called to tell me that you've been sending kade over there for the past week while you catch a nap. So that tells me that you haven't been sleeping right either" I groaned louder just so he could hear how annoyed I was. "Would you let it go? I said I'm fine." I grabbed the shirt and threw it next to the pile of my already prepared clothes. "Toni, You're not fine! Your depressed, okay!" I stood up and walked over to my stand letting my hair out and then brushing it up into a tight high ponytail. "I'm not depressed, nixon." I spat out through clench teeth angrily, grabbing my clothes and pressing them to my chest. "I'm fine" He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed angrily. "You're being so fucking stubborn right now, toni"

I laughed harshly, but due to me bawling not to long ago my laugh came out shrill and hoarse. "I'm stubborn! You're gone every hour on the hour, while I'm working to death! and I'm stubborn!" I laughed again shaking my head, walking towards the bathroom. But he followed behind, "What do you mean I'm stubborn!" I rolled my eyes and pulled my sweatpants down over my hips. "You're selfish, Kenneth" I mumbled "Not just stubborn but selfish" He threw his hands up in frustration and shouted "How the fuck am I selfish?! Tell me, tell me how I'm selfish!" I tilted up and threw my shirt over my head. "You stay busy, so you won't have to come home!" He gasped and gave me a disbelief look and I chuckled again before my little smirk faded. "Don't give me that look, I know! You don't want to come home because you don't want to face the fact that we're falling apart!" He shook his head sharply but I raged on "No! No! just admit it, We both can't face the fact that our daughter is deaf! I love kade! but I can't take it! I don't know how" My eyes watered but I brushed it away hardily with the back of my hand. "I don't know if I could go on, knowing that I will never hear kade's voice again, and that she'll never hear ours!"

He was silent, glancing away he stepped forward his arms outstretched. But I took a step back and shook my head, tears spilling down my face. "just get out..my water's getting cold" He ignored me and took another step forward but I grabbed the shower curtain and covered myself with it. "GET OUT!" I shouted angrily. He took a deep breath and turned around walking out the room without another word.

I didn't stop the tears as the fell from my eyes, the pain-prick sensation going through my body as the water hit my back. I didn't know if I could take anything anymore.