Status: Starting up
Dirty Little Secret
Christina
3 days 7 hours and 14 minutes
That is how long I have been in this hell hole. They call it the home away from home for abandoned and battered children but all it is to me is a dirty house with a bunch of stupid little kids running around and adults that won’t get you do or have anything.
They forced me to come here after they let me go home to get some things. I only brought my music, my favorite clothing and my razor blades of course. They wouldn’t let me keep any of my music, saying it would bring on suicidal thoughts, hell not having my music brings on suicidal thoughts but do they care? Fuck no. They didn’t find my razor blades or they would have definitely taken them form me too.
The only other bad thing besides not having any of my music is that I haven’t had any pills since I have been here and I have been going through withdrawal. The shakes only get back at night when it’s quiet and no one can tell that I am a druggie. Their stupid rules! Everything is fucking stupid! I was better off when they didn’t know anything because I was getting the money every month but they thought I was working the streets to get it. If they only fucking knew.
“Christina! Get out of the room; you can’t be in there all day!” That was the house ‘mommy’, the woman that was in charge of me and 10 other teenagers during the day. Tough luck, Im not moving, but I know she would eventually come and get me. The footsteps coming to the room I was assigned were becoming louder and they didn’t sound like children footsteps, she wasn’t playing today, oh joy.
“You have to come out now.” Being told what to do only makes me want to do they exact opposite every time, but she never learns. She grabbed my wrist and tried to pull me off the bed. Bad idea.
“Get the fuck off of me lady!” I screamed and yanked my hand back, scaring the shit out of her. Maybe that will teach her, probably not. She looked at me and then left, probably going to get reinforcements. Not even two minutes I heard different footsteps outside my room but the person didn’t come in. My breathing was still off from being scared by that crazy bitch but I still pushed the door open to see the only person I liked in this hell hole. Her name was Sammy and she was seven years old. She was here because her father beat her and dropped her off her when she was five.
“Hi Sammy Girl, want to come up?” I asked petting the part of the bed next to me. She nodded her head and climbed up to nuzzle her head into my side. She and I just sat there and stared at the wall that had some kind of stain on it; we would always try and come up with an object it looked like. But today was different; the little girl broke the silence with the worst and better sentence ever.
“Im being adopted today.” She still had her cute baby lisp on some of her letters. It broke my heart that my only friend was leaving me in this awful place. It’s kind of silly to say that my only friend is a seven year old but ever since the incident, I have been more comfortable around little kids more than any other kind of person and she was the only kid I liked here. When I looked down to give her a side hug, I saw that there was tears coming down her little pretty face.
“What’s wrong sugarplum?” The nickname always made her laugh but today it made her cry more and crawl into my lap.
“I don’t want to be adopted. I don’t want him to hurt me.” It was the one thing she always hated. Being afraid of people hurting her like her dad did.
“Oh Sammy, not everyone’s going to hurt you okay? There are good people out there. Like David and Ronny right? They’re nice to you aren’t they?” They were the two male helpers that make dinner and the little kids to bed at night. They were also very funny but I could never bring myself to laugh at them because of my chronic fear of men.
“Yes!! They are awesome! They tell funny stories about pooh bear and piglet. But they aren’t adopting me!” It was sad to see how much she liked the two men and how she would be leaving them later today but her naive brain couldn’t and wouldn’t register the thought.
“Well that is true but do you want to hear a secret?”
“Yes, Yes please!”
“But you have to promise to not tell anyone okay?”
“Okay Okay!” She was jumping as she sat on the bed.
“Well the people that are adopting you are like David and Ronny. They tell cool stories and would never think about hurting a pretty little girl like you okay?” An innocent little lie to make a little girl feel better, what’s the harm in that? None.
“Okay! Thanks Chrissy, I have to go pack now.” She hugged me making my heart plunge, jumped off the bed and ran from the room to her own to pack the very little possessions her had.
I laid back down in my cot like bed and stared at the ceiling. I was losing the only person I could actually call a friend. I now officially had no one to be strong for and Sammy never even needed me, I just liked the thought of it. I’m alone and no one would ever care if I just disappeared because of how horrible I’ve been to everyone. They just don’t fucking get it!
That’s because you don’t let them, stupid.
Oh and the voice is back too, yippee. So I went from alone to never alone in that short amount of time, great! But she is right, the voice I mean. I have never talked about it, and apparently I don’t show the signs of being raped. Maybe people just don’t fucking look hard enough. Before I knew it I had angry tears mixed with the sorrow ones. Everyone always leaves me, but hey I guess I deserve it.
Yes, yes you do…
That is how long I have been in this hell hole. They call it the home away from home for abandoned and battered children but all it is to me is a dirty house with a bunch of stupid little kids running around and adults that won’t get you do or have anything.
They forced me to come here after they let me go home to get some things. I only brought my music, my favorite clothing and my razor blades of course. They wouldn’t let me keep any of my music, saying it would bring on suicidal thoughts, hell not having my music brings on suicidal thoughts but do they care? Fuck no. They didn’t find my razor blades or they would have definitely taken them form me too.
The only other bad thing besides not having any of my music is that I haven’t had any pills since I have been here and I have been going through withdrawal. The shakes only get back at night when it’s quiet and no one can tell that I am a druggie. Their stupid rules! Everything is fucking stupid! I was better off when they didn’t know anything because I was getting the money every month but they thought I was working the streets to get it. If they only fucking knew.
“Christina! Get out of the room; you can’t be in there all day!” That was the house ‘mommy’, the woman that was in charge of me and 10 other teenagers during the day. Tough luck, Im not moving, but I know she would eventually come and get me. The footsteps coming to the room I was assigned were becoming louder and they didn’t sound like children footsteps, she wasn’t playing today, oh joy.
“You have to come out now.” Being told what to do only makes me want to do they exact opposite every time, but she never learns. She grabbed my wrist and tried to pull me off the bed. Bad idea.
“Get the fuck off of me lady!” I screamed and yanked my hand back, scaring the shit out of her. Maybe that will teach her, probably not. She looked at me and then left, probably going to get reinforcements. Not even two minutes I heard different footsteps outside my room but the person didn’t come in. My breathing was still off from being scared by that crazy bitch but I still pushed the door open to see the only person I liked in this hell hole. Her name was Sammy and she was seven years old. She was here because her father beat her and dropped her off her when she was five.
“Hi Sammy Girl, want to come up?” I asked petting the part of the bed next to me. She nodded her head and climbed up to nuzzle her head into my side. She and I just sat there and stared at the wall that had some kind of stain on it; we would always try and come up with an object it looked like. But today was different; the little girl broke the silence with the worst and better sentence ever.
“Im being adopted today.” She still had her cute baby lisp on some of her letters. It broke my heart that my only friend was leaving me in this awful place. It’s kind of silly to say that my only friend is a seven year old but ever since the incident, I have been more comfortable around little kids more than any other kind of person and she was the only kid I liked here. When I looked down to give her a side hug, I saw that there was tears coming down her little pretty face.
“What’s wrong sugarplum?” The nickname always made her laugh but today it made her cry more and crawl into my lap.
“I don’t want to be adopted. I don’t want him to hurt me.” It was the one thing she always hated. Being afraid of people hurting her like her dad did.
“Oh Sammy, not everyone’s going to hurt you okay? There are good people out there. Like David and Ronny right? They’re nice to you aren’t they?” They were the two male helpers that make dinner and the little kids to bed at night. They were also very funny but I could never bring myself to laugh at them because of my chronic fear of men.
“Yes!! They are awesome! They tell funny stories about pooh bear and piglet. But they aren’t adopting me!” It was sad to see how much she liked the two men and how she would be leaving them later today but her naive brain couldn’t and wouldn’t register the thought.
“Well that is true but do you want to hear a secret?”
“Yes, Yes please!”
“But you have to promise to not tell anyone okay?”
“Okay Okay!” She was jumping as she sat on the bed.
“Well the people that are adopting you are like David and Ronny. They tell cool stories and would never think about hurting a pretty little girl like you okay?” An innocent little lie to make a little girl feel better, what’s the harm in that? None.
“Okay! Thanks Chrissy, I have to go pack now.” She hugged me making my heart plunge, jumped off the bed and ran from the room to her own to pack the very little possessions her had.
I laid back down in my cot like bed and stared at the ceiling. I was losing the only person I could actually call a friend. I now officially had no one to be strong for and Sammy never even needed me, I just liked the thought of it. I’m alone and no one would ever care if I just disappeared because of how horrible I’ve been to everyone. They just don’t fucking get it!
That’s because you don’t let them, stupid.
Oh and the voice is back too, yippee. So I went from alone to never alone in that short amount of time, great! But she is right, the voice I mean. I have never talked about it, and apparently I don’t show the signs of being raped. Maybe people just don’t fucking look hard enough. Before I knew it I had angry tears mixed with the sorrow ones. Everyone always leaves me, but hey I guess I deserve it.
Yes, yes you do…