To Regret Is Not to Forget

With body heat formed already, my eyes couldn’t help but stay on the four men that were rapidly preparing for their upcoming set. It was obvious who was scared, nervous or about to up chuck their snack. Spencer Smith stayed unknown, he moved about the room gathering what he needed, putting on the right equipment. Brendon Urie, he made me tired just watching, he danced, he sang, he complained about peeing. Jon Walker was nervous, but he didn’t make that obvious. And then finally we have our little Ryan Ross, weak to the bone for the most part. I found myself chuckling at him rushing for the bathroom.

“What’s wrong him?” One of the dancers asked, pointing towards the door with her thumb.

“He’s nervous,” Another dancer giggled even before I got the chance to explain.

Moments later Ryan came out looking half a shade better, he brushed the back of his hand among his lips and looked around the room with that innocent stare.

“Not again, Ryan.” The first dancer said worryingly and put her hand his shoulder.

He responded with a way too cute of a smile, he awkward headed for the dressing room where he needed to apply the makeup design and outfit for their first set. I causally made my way into the room before he could close the door. I sat myself counter near his makeup and picked up one of the brushes he would be using.

“Throwing up, why must you always throw up?” I asked and twirled the brush around my fingers.

“I can’t help, I’m sorry.” He whispered and grabbed the brush from me. “So you’re going to sit there and just watch?” He asked.

I sighed and cocked my head to the side, “Of course, I am. Who else is going to want me around?” I asked and smiled.

“True,” He chuckled and turned around starting to discard the yellow shirt and skinny jeans that hugged his body almost perfectly. With a peer over his shoulder to me, he smiled and returned to his business of clothing his body with the outfit. He turned wanting that approval he always got from me, I nodded and he smiled.

With the half an hour they had left Ryan used it to do his makeup, red over the eyes and a design somewhere near the eyes. It was that Ryan Ross trademark. Again he looked for the approval from me; I looked over the art work carefully, cupping both of his cheeks in my hands. “Looks really good,” I said lightly and kissed his forehead.

“Thank you,” He said probably blushing behind the coat of makeup. “A-are you dressed?” He asked.

I raised my eyebrows and pointed down the outfit that wouldn’t be showed until maybe the third song, I laughed and shook my head. “Are you really that nervous, Ry?” I asked him and frowned.

“Yeah, you would think it would be easy by now.” He laughed and rested his hands among the counter.

“Sometimes, just depends.” I explained and kissed his shoulder.

“Ryan, are you talking to yourself in there? Come on man, we got 2 minutes.” I heard Brendon yell from behind the closed door. He ruined it; he always ruins it, him or one of the others.

We never have time together anymore, not since tour officially started. I didn’t know Ryan before tour; it probably would’ve been different if I knew him. He would’ve stood his ground if one of the other guys was trying to come between us. But now that I barely knew the guy and seemed so comfortable, he would rather keep it a secret.

“They never noticed me; they’re never going to notice me, Ryan.” I pouted and got off the counter and crossed my arms.

“Brendon can’t see through doors, and stop worrying. I notice you, doesn’t that count?” He asked and stood next to me and looked at me with his worried face.

“I guess so,” I said lightly and turned a bit. I leaned in and kissed him on the lips with surprise he returned the kiss. When he pulled away, his eyes were relaxed and his breathing was calm. He smiled weirdly something I only saw. “Have fun.” I encouraged, he nodded and opened the door.

I watched as the others stood near the door, jumping or fidgeting around, I wished I could help them relax but they never notice me. I stood near the other dancers, like them I was a dancer as well. I danced for the few people in the audience I guess I was only noticed to some. They matched Ryan’s expression half the time, it made me smile. It also made me realize I was doing my job well.

With the guys heading for the stage pumped as usual, I followed them and stopped just at the end of the stage and out of the way. When the lights were on, my eyes focused on the slim body holding the guitar, he held that nervous and sick expression again. I sighed and watched as he made eye contact with me, I frowned a bit and he easily snapped out of his fright and started to play. He almost matched Brendon’s energy.

By the time I got on stage and was with the other dancers, Ryan was more into the music and the playing; he looked over to me giving that weird smile and returned his stare back to the audience. I danced around Ryan like always did, no one seemed to care, no one seemed to notice either. I didn’t know what to think of this Ryan Ross character, he just had a way with me.

When the concert was forever over well until the next venue, I followed close behind Ryan. I watched his expression dropped, he looked tired and weak. He looked over to me and sighed; I patted his back and kissed his not so sweaty cheek. “You’ll catch on,” I promised earning a nod.

Out of their concert wardrobe and into their normal jeans and a shirt they headed to greet the fans that stayed. I stayed near the doors and kept my eyes on Ryan, he wasn’t acting alive anymore. I knew this was going to happen, I knew he was going to burn out quickly. I sighed and walked over to him; I placed a hand on his upper back and looked over what he was signing.

“Maybe it’s time for you to get to the bus and rest?” I asked and moved my other hand along his arm.

“Yeah, sleep sounds pretty good right now.” He said lightly and handed back the CD.

“Excuse me?” The girl questioned after receiving her sighed CD.

“Nothing,” I answered and frowned.

Ryan gave me a warning look, with that look I knew that I needed to relax. “Sorry about her, she’s just tired.” He apologized for me. “It was nice meeting you, take care.” Ryan waved and headed off to where the tour buses were.

My eyes stayed on the girl, her eyes looking towards the girl she stood next to. She didn’t even care to stare at me; I should be use to this by now. I rolled my eyes and rushed after Ryan. I slipped into the tour bus before the door could close and headed for the bunk I knew Ryan would be. I placed myself next to him and propped myself up with my elbows as I lay on my stomach.

My eyes looked over the clean face, no longer was there a design. By the time I brought my eyes back to his they were staring into mine own. I watched as he leaned in and I leaned out, “No Ryan, we have to start this out slow, I don’t want to cost losing you.” I stated.

“You’re not going to lose me; you know you’re the only one for me.” He said almost sadly.

“That’s what they all say and then I’m left behind to be forgotten because they suddenly found the way to a better future with someone who’s worth it.”

“If anyone should be nervous it should be me, I have three other guys here who could easily scoop you up and take you away from me.” Ryan frowned and rubbed his forehead with one hand.

“They don’t want me; you know Brendon has a sex drive of a bunny and it just shows you that he doesn’t hump just anyone.” I said with a small laugh.

Ryan dropped his hand from his forehead and laughed as well, “That’s true, I just get nervous I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, it comes with being in a relationship.” I laughed a bit and looked over his face.

I jumped at the curtain being pulled opened; I watched as Spencer popped his head in like nothing and laughed. “Whoa, you must be tired Ryan. You’re all talking to yourself and laughing.” Spencer said and smiled widely.

“Shut it Smith,” Ryan snapped and closed the curtain.

“They really must hate me if they don’t care to say a word to me.” I whispered.

“They don’t hate you, they just don’t know you.” Ryan said comfortingly and let his eyes fall close.

“Whatever get some sleep.” I said and cuddled close to the guitarist’s side.

I wasn’t here to kiss anyone’s ass and become best friends. With Ryan it was just luck that I was brought into his life, he needs me more than he knows. Ryan was more respectful and calmer than the people I had dealt with in my past, it made me only cling to him more. He was prefect in my eyes and he didn’t fight me off like others have.