Room 253

- You're...-
- I'm here, Gee - I say. I don't know why or how. I feel uneasy and selfish and bad. But finally I am able to breathe again. He stands in front of me, a cigarette in his lips, the key in his hand. He is skinny and has longer hair. His eyebrows are furrowed and his eyes are shining. There is not joy, however. He is angry and hurt. I shift against the waves of motions, mine and his. He's not happy, but what was I expecting? He rushing forward you, a big bones-breaking hug, possibly a kiss and a murmured "I missed you". But his hand comes first. He hits me hard with a fist, then another and another one. I'm on my knees still accepting his slaps without a sound or a move. I feel grateful for them. But when I start feeling relief and gratitude he stops. He fucking stops. He regains his composure and watch me straight in the eyes. -Fuck off.- there is no "welcome home Frank". There is no forgive. Front door slams, but I'm still here, on my knees pleading while a terrible cold take posses of me. He won't forgive me. He won't love me. Never again. I let the rain soaks me, I let the wind tingle at my skin. Everything becomes so dark and hostile. I feel empty like never in my whole life. "He won't come back", I think while I slide slowly on the pavement. And somewhere, among the pain, I find relief. I was and still am just shit.
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Gerard violently slammed the front door, then forced himself to breathe "All is well" he said to himself, and slowly, as if nothing had happened, he went upstairs. And his hand did not
trembled as he put the key in the lock, he didn't lost his breath as he entered at home and
rested the keys as usual on the table in the hall. He sat on the couch and the remote control was taken when... it was as if he had been electrocuted. Frank was alive. Frank had spoken to him. Frank had called him "Gee". And above all Frank was downstairs.
He found himself standing without knowing how. He found himself out of the door and asked himself if Frank's bloodied face centered something with the pain in his knuckles. He also asked, as he descended the stairs, if Frank center with all that anger and that pain, with all those sensations which he has long been able to quell. He wondered if it was Frank, curled up on itself on the asphalt, in the rain. Gerard walked around the figure and then turned it face up. It was Frank, Frank with staring eyes, incredulous, perhaps. Frank it was, bruised and wet.- Why? - he cried, that was the only thing that came to his mind, the only words he can remembered. - Why? - he repeated again. Frank shifted in his position, trying to pull-up.
- Gee....-
- Don't call me Gee. You have no rights, and you chose to deprive yourself of -
- I know ...-
- You know? Then answer me. Why Frank? What did I do? What I didn't? Please enlighten
me because I really don't know -
- It is my fault...- he said slowly, almost with relief, as if each word carries with it a kind of forgiveness.
- I know that Frank. I know that is not my fault -
Frank smiled bitterly. He leaned against the wall to keep him from fall to the ground again. His head was spinning furiously and he was cold. Damn cold. Gerard looked at him. There was a fury that he would never have thought to see in those green eyes. He was trembling, his hands clenched into fists again, his knuckles white, his chest rising and falling violently under the breaths he was trying to take. - And then what else you need to know?- Frank said
innocently. Gerard was about to hurl at him again. But really, had he not understand?
- Go fuck yourself .... fuck you Frank, die, crack vanish, how the fuck you dare? How you Frank?-
- But Gee... Ge-Gerard what did you expect? Look at me I'm so disgusting... I always have been. How could you think that I would make it? How could I bear that something as beautiful as you could be ruined by something like me? No, you have to go to fuck yourself because you have allowed me to touch you and make you dirty. Gerard, damn it, I'm so disgusting! I had to leave. I thought it wasn't too late. I thought that the damage I had inflicted to you was not irrecoverable. Why you got down again, you were almost safe..- Frank now was crying. He felt his heart breaking once more. He cursed himself, because he
let his weakness won him again. He swore time ago that he would keep Gerard safe, protected from his demons and bad dreams and the crap from his past. He forced himself to stay up, trying to keep the strength that was irretrievably slipping away from his legs. - It's not too late, I know it. Gerard run away, go upstairs and pretend not to have seen me. Please you still have time... - Frank closed his eyes, the emptiness in his heart. He was sliding back toward the ground, a strange bitter peace above him. "He won't have garbage again" he
smirk, waiting for the cold pavement. But still he doesn't hit the sidewalk. Two arms grabbed him firmly by the hips and a body steadied him and a mouth silenced all his protests. The weakness attacked him and made him stop fighting against himself and against that body, so hot and so strong. A force that he has no longer, a force that, he realized, he had lost three years ago.

There was little sweetness that night, there was too much to forgive, too much to prove to be
sweet. And there was uncertainty and lust and anger. With trembling hands Gerard began to undress Frank. He continued to wonder if that was the right thing, if he did not need time to think... - Gerard I... we should not ...- and Gerard could not quantify how much pain and self-hate were there in those few, barely whispered words. And suddenly everything became clear. He realized what he had ignored in that year and a half, the enormity he had committed. In some twisted way it made sense that Frank hated himself, hated that body, those memories marked focus on him. - I never said you were perfect, right? - Gerard said in a loud voice. Frank looked up, surprised - What... -
- I never said how much I loved you, how much I still love you. I never said that if I stopped drinking and using drugs it is only thanks to you. Because I wanted to be worthy of you, at least a little -
-What are you saying? You... you are always been... but those hands and I and t-that....- But he didn't give Frank time to finish. Gerard took possession of the mouth that had dreamed and desired for so long. He pulled away just to catch his breath and continue - I will stop them, Frank. I swear I will kill them, one by one. But you must help me. Will you? -
Frank smiled, a new determination surging in him, an unknown force, and perhaps something that looked like a forgiveness, for everything. -I will-

The night was short and the sun found them still fighting, still in despair for what seemed like only a dream or a nightmare. The sun rose while Gerard entered him once more, while Frank was writhing in pain and passion and so many other things that he did not remember the name, the frantic hands traveled that body changed, aged, thin and yet so familiar, his home. Gerard with muffled groans savored back that warmth, that tightness which taste so much like of home. The tongues ​​were running in search of old flavors and the sweat was mingled between their thighs and breasts.
Gerard languidly licked Frank's neck, hours later, when exhausted, they were clinging to each other for comfort, an unknown yet familiar fear that gripped their stomachs.
- I hate you Frank- Gerard whispered hoarsely, smirking and breathing sensually in Frank's ear. And the heart of the smallest clenched guilty and, as a reflexion, he squeezed himself more upon the oldest. -Never stop, Gerard, never stop hating me -
-Gee... My name is Gee - Gerard smiled before attacking the mouth that rightly belonged to
him.