The Diary of Jane

We laughed on our way to his house. I didn't have to worry about Fran today, she was sleeping at a friends house too. It felt weird that she was just a normal kid to anyone else. Did she really keep quiet about what happened at home? Kids didn't know better than to tell people exactly what happened at home, they thought that everyone was alike. That everyone had an abusive father and a miserable sister.
Not everyone has, I knew. But sometimes it felt like this world was just a shit-place filled with depressed people that try to make a life through marriage and having kids.

Well, that's not the only lifestyle, you know. You can go on without those things and still have a good life.
Meh, what did I know? I wasn't sure of anything. I hadn't lived life fully yet. I just had to wait and see.
Wait and see? That was a new thought. I never "waited and saw". I always thought that I'd end up killing myself as a 25-year old alcoholic.

... Would I be? I had to wait and see yet again. That all depended on Benjamin, and I knew it. He had a firm grasp around my life.

We ended up still laughing in his hallway. His vain attempts on shush-ing me was for no use. He was just as happy as I was this evening, and I didn't even know why. I was so happy to have him in my life, I was so happy that Fran went on sleep-overs like a normal kid. And I was more than happy about my dad being at home alone. Lonely. I hoped he'd fucking kill himself tonight.

"Benjamin?" A woman in a white nightdress stomp down the stairs.
I could tell she was his mother. Over-bleached hair, wrinkles beyond fair and a smooth walk. Yes, smooth. Her walk was much like those who belonged to the famous people on tv. It made me wonder what she had ever accomplished in her life.
Benjamins sudden frown made me stop giggling. I knew how he felt about his parents.

"Yeah, mom?" He was angry. I could tell.
I wasn't sure why.
"What are you doing up by now?" She demanded to know.

"We where just taking a walk, mom", Benjamin said. "And we're not tired."
We. He and I. Us.
"I don't like you being up late", she frowned and glared at me.

Was she talking to me or him? The way she glared at me made me feel like standing up for myself, but I didn't. She wasn't my mom. She couldn't tell me what to do.

"I'm sorry", Benjamin mumbled and kicked off his shoes.
I copied his antics and was just about to follow him up the stairs when his mother stopped us.

"NO, Benjamin", she said. "You can't have her sleeping over."
Then she gave me a somewhat apologetic look and said "Sorry.".
I only shrugged and looked over to Benjamin. He looked down on his feet, but I saw his hands clench to fists and how he really tried to control his anger.

"Why not?" He asked, his face was blank as he looked at his mother.
He was still too good looking for his own good. His nose in particulair was so... nice in this dim light.
"You know why, Benjamin. Don't make me go there."

Then she smiled to me.
"I'm sorry, dear. But Benjamin has his ways with girls..."
I frowned.
"What?"
"Well... he brings a lot of them home and well, I don't want to get you disappointed", she continued.

The words drilled into my heart so careless that I had a hard time with standing up. Was he fooling me?
"Shut up mom!" Benjamin was angry. Angrier than ever. His eyes was black. "I'm not like that!"
I shook my head at him.

I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I was just about ending up with a guy who was the exact copy of my father; abusive and careless. Did Benjamin have any intentions of raping me tonight, or did he wait until tomorrow? What was his next big step?
How would he handle his mother as she tried and stopped him? I shuddered.

"Come on, Jane", Benjamin muttered and took my hand.
"Where are we going?" I asked as he dragged me outside his house and slammed the door in his mothers face.

He ran with me, I just followed him. If we where going to end up in some forest where he'd murder me, I didn't care. I had already surrended under him, and there was no way I'd leave him. No matter how badly fucked up he really was.

I wasn't sure if any of what his mother said was true, and it scared me.

We kept running, until he finally stopped. He panted for air and looked up in the night sky. My eyes were fixated on his every move. How the dark sky casted a shaddow on his pale face. How his eyes glittered from the light of the stars. His hair fell into his face again and he looked down.

"You can't ever believe my mother when she says something like that again", he sighed and gazed into my eyes.

I couldn't reply.
The cool air felt like a caressing hand running its fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes and let the feeling swallow me. I felt protected, in some weird way. I didn't care what his mother warned me about.

"I would never do such a thing - never to you", he continued and I heard him getting closer. "I promise, Jane. What I've done before was because I was insecure."

I opened my eyes. Suddenly his face was so close to mine. His lips where shaking and looked into my eyes. They were still glittering and made me believe every word he said. He was my evil angel. My unknown soldier. Benjamin.

"When I'm with you..." He brushed his thumb over my cheek. "I'm not insecure. It's cheesy, but you..."

It was like he was reading my mind. It was exactly my feelings for him.

"All I say sounds so stupid", he sighed and looked away.

I shook my head.

"I believe you." I kissed his cheek.

He looked up at me, surprised. His smile was reflecting all of the happiness I felt for him.

"Why?" He asked.

"I don't know, I just do", I replied honestly. "It's something about you..."

He smiled and took my hand.

We where so confused, but we where allowed to be. We were in love, and I wished that the night wouldn't end.
I'd never wish any of it to end.
It was perfect.

We spent the nigh walking around the shitty ghetto I called home. The place I'd lived in since my mother died. Being there with Benjamin made every little aspect of it beautiful.
Sure, the poor graffiti on the walls and the over-loaded dumpsters weren't something you'd throw into an IKEA cataloge, but if Benjamin would be in the middle of the picture, no one would care. All they'd see was this beautiful, talented boy. And they'd see how happy his smile was when he looked at me. They'd see that we fitted eachother.

I grinned at my own thoughts.
"What?" Benjamin asked.
"I just pictured the two of us in an IKEA catalogue."
I laughed.
"What the fuck?" He giggled.
"I don't know", I exhaled and looked at him.
He shrugged happily.

We eventually sat down by my house. I didn't feel a desire to talk. The night swept my thoughts away, and I was sure he had his own things in mind.

"Jane...", he broke the silence.
He sounded nervous.

"Yeah?" I replied and leaned against his shoulder.
"Tell me about... your life", he said.

I bit my lip and looked down. I immediatly put some space between us, by moving away.
He took my hand, stopping me. I looked down at how his fingers locked with mine.

"I know somethings aren't right", he mumbled. "And I hate to see it. If you tell me what it is, I swear I wont tell anyone else."
It wasn't his curiosity talking. He actually cared.

"Alright", I mumbled. "I'll tell you..."

And in that night, I told him everything. He nodded and let me continue, through my heartbreaking sobs and desperate hugs.
He listened.
He cared.
He was saving me.