The Diary of Jane
Twelth Chapter
”I can't... How? When? Why?” The questions were running through my head like a whirlwind and I couldn't stop the confusion to be too much.
We were in Rebecca's bedroom, both of us too messed up to even concider going to the next class. I hadn't been here since I was ten or eleven, but it kind off looked the same.
The same pink wallpapers that she had always hated, a yellow desk and that white wardrobe with pink flowers on it.
Before she had posters of Disney characters like Winnie The Pooh or Cinderella, but it was different now. There was one huge poster of My Chemical Romance, and one that was a little smaller of The Used. Around them were so many posters that you barely couldn't see the pink between them. It was of bands like Green Day, Good Charlotte, Billy Talent and Bullet For My Valentine. I had heard all of those bands, but not really liked them.
I guess that they meant a lot to Rebecca. You couldn't even make out that she liked that music-style. She was blond, was wearing a pair of tight white jeans and a long-sleeved, blue sweater. I guess that she looked good. She looked nice. Well, she was nice. She had always been.
”I don't know..”, she mumbled. ”I've always known that I liked you as more than a friend, even when we were kids. I know it's weird...”
I put my hand on her knee, just to show comfort.
”It isn't.”
She raised her eyebrows at me, and then she looked down on my hand. I guess she was surprised. I had always been bitchy to her and now that I showed her a little respect, she didn't know how to react. I wouldn't either.
”And then...”, she continued. ”My feelings just grew. When your mom past, I could really see how hurt you were, but you kept pushing me away. I couldn't help you. My own mother told me to stay away.”
I nodded, looking down. Someone else talking about my mom just made her loss hurt even more.
”Sorry for bringing her up”, she apologized. ”But... then I kept following you. I wouldn't leave you alone, at least not in School. I wanted to show you that I was there for you.”
I smiled. She was so nice to me, and I had never even got that. I thought she was just a loser who didn't have any friends, but she chose to not have any other friends to be with me. To be able to comfort me. And all I had ever done to her was yelling at her and turn the other way.
”When Benjamin came into your life I...”, she sighed. ”I hate him. I hate him and I love him. I love him for making you happy, but I hate him for taking you away from me.”
She looked like she was close to tears again. I stroke her hair comforting. This must be so hard for her. I knew about hurt, and she was. I could help her. But how?
”So... what do we do know?” I asked.
”Well... I would really like to be your girlfriend”, she mumbled. ”But I guess that that's not possible... Right?”
I hated to be the one destroying her world.
”Right”, I sighed. ”I'm sorry... But I love Benjamin.”
She nodded.
”I thought so. Well, I won't bother you anymore. Not at School, not ever. I'm sorry.”
Her voice was hard as she spoke, it was like she was trying to reason with herself. Convincing herself that her feelings for me was bullshit and that she would move on with her life.
But still, I wasn't satisfied. I wanted her to be happy, and she wouldn't be without me. I was a pain in the ass for her.
I wanted to help her, like she had helped me, even though I pushed her away. Without her, I might've been dead now? If I had been all alone at School, I would've been an even easier target for the bullies. But there she had been, by my side. Day by day. People had been bullying her too, just because she spent time with me.
Or maybe because they knew that she was a lesbian...
The thought hurt me.
”Can we take a walk?” She asked. ”I need to get some air.”
”Sure”, I answered. ”I could need some air too..”
* * * *
After walking aimlessly for a long while, without anyone of us talking, I was getting kinda bored. I wanted to see Benjamin really badly. Actually, we were just two blocks away from his house. Maybe I could say goodbye to Rebecca here? Or should I walk her home?
We had done a lot of walking, and I didn't really like it. My feet was hurting.
”Uhm, Rebecca?” I asked.
She looked up.
”I think I'm going to Benjamin's now, if you don't mind.”
”Oh”, she answered and looked down.
”Yeah”, I gave her a symphatic smile.
What was I doing? I hated receiving those smile, and now I threw on of them in her face? I should really make up for that – quick.
I still don't know what came to me right that second, but I took a hold of her chin, brought her closer to my face, and pressed my lips against her. She opened her mouth immediatly and her tongue started dancing with mine. I added more pressure to the kiss, and I let go of her chin, and my hands traveled to the back of her head. She panted into the kiss, and in some way it felt good. I was dominant and she wasn't. It felt amazing to kiss her lips, but it wasn't like kissing Benjamin. Besides, this I only did for her and not for me. Even though I must admit that I li....
”JANE?!”
We were in Rebecca's bedroom, both of us too messed up to even concider going to the next class. I hadn't been here since I was ten or eleven, but it kind off looked the same.
The same pink wallpapers that she had always hated, a yellow desk and that white wardrobe with pink flowers on it.
Before she had posters of Disney characters like Winnie The Pooh or Cinderella, but it was different now. There was one huge poster of My Chemical Romance, and one that was a little smaller of The Used. Around them were so many posters that you barely couldn't see the pink between them. It was of bands like Green Day, Good Charlotte, Billy Talent and Bullet For My Valentine. I had heard all of those bands, but not really liked them.
I guess that they meant a lot to Rebecca. You couldn't even make out that she liked that music-style. She was blond, was wearing a pair of tight white jeans and a long-sleeved, blue sweater. I guess that she looked good. She looked nice. Well, she was nice. She had always been.
”I don't know..”, she mumbled. ”I've always known that I liked you as more than a friend, even when we were kids. I know it's weird...”
I put my hand on her knee, just to show comfort.
”It isn't.”
She raised her eyebrows at me, and then she looked down on my hand. I guess she was surprised. I had always been bitchy to her and now that I showed her a little respect, she didn't know how to react. I wouldn't either.
”And then...”, she continued. ”My feelings just grew. When your mom past, I could really see how hurt you were, but you kept pushing me away. I couldn't help you. My own mother told me to stay away.”
I nodded, looking down. Someone else talking about my mom just made her loss hurt even more.
”Sorry for bringing her up”, she apologized. ”But... then I kept following you. I wouldn't leave you alone, at least not in School. I wanted to show you that I was there for you.”
I smiled. She was so nice to me, and I had never even got that. I thought she was just a loser who didn't have any friends, but she chose to not have any other friends to be with me. To be able to comfort me. And all I had ever done to her was yelling at her and turn the other way.
”When Benjamin came into your life I...”, she sighed. ”I hate him. I hate him and I love him. I love him for making you happy, but I hate him for taking you away from me.”
She looked like she was close to tears again. I stroke her hair comforting. This must be so hard for her. I knew about hurt, and she was. I could help her. But how?
”So... what do we do know?” I asked.
”Well... I would really like to be your girlfriend”, she mumbled. ”But I guess that that's not possible... Right?”
I hated to be the one destroying her world.
”Right”, I sighed. ”I'm sorry... But I love Benjamin.”
She nodded.
”I thought so. Well, I won't bother you anymore. Not at School, not ever. I'm sorry.”
Her voice was hard as she spoke, it was like she was trying to reason with herself. Convincing herself that her feelings for me was bullshit and that she would move on with her life.
But still, I wasn't satisfied. I wanted her to be happy, and she wouldn't be without me. I was a pain in the ass for her.
I wanted to help her, like she had helped me, even though I pushed her away. Without her, I might've been dead now? If I had been all alone at School, I would've been an even easier target for the bullies. But there she had been, by my side. Day by day. People had been bullying her too, just because she spent time with me.
Or maybe because they knew that she was a lesbian...
The thought hurt me.
”Can we take a walk?” She asked. ”I need to get some air.”
”Sure”, I answered. ”I could need some air too..”
* * * *
After walking aimlessly for a long while, without anyone of us talking, I was getting kinda bored. I wanted to see Benjamin really badly. Actually, we were just two blocks away from his house. Maybe I could say goodbye to Rebecca here? Or should I walk her home?
We had done a lot of walking, and I didn't really like it. My feet was hurting.
”Uhm, Rebecca?” I asked.
She looked up.
”I think I'm going to Benjamin's now, if you don't mind.”
”Oh”, she answered and looked down.
”Yeah”, I gave her a symphatic smile.
What was I doing? I hated receiving those smile, and now I threw on of them in her face? I should really make up for that – quick.
I still don't know what came to me right that second, but I took a hold of her chin, brought her closer to my face, and pressed my lips against her. She opened her mouth immediatly and her tongue started dancing with mine. I added more pressure to the kiss, and I let go of her chin, and my hands traveled to the back of her head. She panted into the kiss, and in some way it felt good. I was dominant and she wasn't. It felt amazing to kiss her lips, but it wasn't like kissing Benjamin. Besides, this I only did for her and not for me. Even though I must admit that I li....
”JANE?!”