The Diary of Jane

I couldn't stop smiling while being in the shower that day. Okay, it was pretty gross having someone elses milkshake in your hair but I had a friend. Or at least I thought I had a friend. He was so fucking nice and it was hard to believe that he didn't have tons of friends... Who said he didn't, anyway? Maybe he had lodes of friends from the place he moved from... If he even had moved, he maybe just switched School? But why would he if he had that many friends? Fuck. I didn't know a single thing about him. But that just makes everything better. If I have much to ask him about his life it means that we wont have awkward silences.
I don't even know what an awkward silence was nowadays. We hadn't spoke to eachother properly since we met, but the silences had been filled with something else. I just felt comforted around him. Me and Rebecca on the other hand, we had our awkward silences. It was I who created them. Haha. It was fun to see her getting uncomftarble around me, not knowing which foot to stand on. I might be evil... but I had a friend! Or did I? I was about to have a friend anyway!

I'm not a person that is used to be touched... Not by someone I hardly know. And I only knew one person, and that was my babysister. My dad touched me like once a week, but that was more cupping. I shivered by the thought. He wasn't breaking the law.
So in School when I felt someone wrap his/her/its arms around me I panicked, I got some kind off spazzattack and started waving my arms in pure panic. When the person finally let go of me I turned around and faced Rebecca.
"I'm sorry", she said, simply.
My whole body broke into a feeling of calm. She wasn't my dad or anyone else who was just out to hurt me. It was just Rebecca, the geek/wannabe cheerleader, thank God.
"It.. it's okay", I mumbled.
"So you're not angry?" She asked.
"I'm fucking fine!", I answered.
She looked a little taken aback by my sudden waving and screaming, but I didn't care about her getting hurt or confused. She confused the shit out of me. Why on Earth would she hug me? It's not like I gone to School to get a fucking hug.
I grunted to her before turning my back against her once again, facing Benjamin. I jumped back in shock by the look of his face gracing the boring, ugly Schoolcorridor.
"Wow you're on pins and needles", he smiled.
I couldn't bring myself to an answer, so I just fell into a foolish grin and uttered a strange sound. It sounded like a giggle. A small, goofy giggle. It felt like honey against my throat as it slipped out of it.
"Um... how are you today?" he asked careful.
So we had just broken our special silent bond. Or at least he seemed to be confident enough to talk to me. Me talking was on a whole different level. I usually mumbled something unhearble or screamed at someone to fuck off. Talking like a normal person wasn't my thing, and it made me scared.
"I'm... I'm just fine", I said in a somewhat normal tone. "And... you?"
Benjamin smiled at me. His features where beautiful. How his cheekbone where kind off girlishly visible, and a small birthmark on top of the left one. I just wanted to stroke it softly and tell him how beautiful he was. I let my teeth dig down in my tongue harshly for it to easier put bonds on myself not to accually do it.
"I'm not that good", Benjamin answered, making my face drop. "And I see that you aren't either, Jane... Can't you just be honest with me?"
I felt my whole body shake by the judging tone in his voice. What? I repeated his words in my head over and over again. I had lied to him. Benjamin. I lied to a person that had a meaningfull place in my life, I had chosen to be dishonest with him. What was I thinking? Why didn't I think before I spoke? My heart pounded in my chest like an drum, going 980 beats per minute. Sweat appeared on my forehead, showing my insecurity even more. And I couldn't possibly answer to that. I could be honest with him, but... I was a born liar, telling people what they wanted to hear.
When I had inhaled deeply to finally speak he was gone. I had really fucked this up. Fuck! I wanted to kill myself. Why was I so stupid?

I cursed myself the rest of the day. F-F-F-FUCK! FUCK.. ME!
"Don't think so loud."
I looked around, to be met by his gorgeus eyes.
"What?"
I didn't understand.
"I'm just kidding", he smiled and took a seat next to me.
I still didn't understand.
"You're not in my class." I couldn't keep from smiling too.
"Ms Andersen doesn't know about that", he smiled and winked at me.
I blushed a little. He was here and he was here just for me. Wasn't he pissed off? I felt him taking a hold of my hand under the table and squeeze it lightly. Guess he wasn't. He acted real strange. I mean, he had just been acting hurt for an hour and now he sat here, holding my hand in a classroom where he wasn't supposed to be in. He was breaking the rules just to be near me. The thought made my heart flutter and a smile to appear on my face.
"Did you get mad before?" I asked dumb.
My heart pounded nervously.
"Yeah", he answered. "But it was stupid of me. I hardly know you... I can't expect you to trust me... yet."
I wanted to scream that I did trust him, but still I didn't, so I guess I didn't trust him yet. But I really wanted it. I knew he would make me trust him soon enough, but I wasn't that friendly against the whole trusting-thing. Feelings where supposed to stay inside you, not getting expressed. But what if you had feelings for someone...
My mind trailed of into its own world again.
"I'm sorry", I said, meaning it.
He had seen me cry once, and I couldn't even tell him that I wasn't fine. That was strange.
"It's okay", he answered and squeezed my hand supportingly.

"Dear diary,
Benjamin and I spend kinda much time together now. Or well... We have lunch together and sometimes he sneaks in to my lessons and on some breaks we sit next to each other. I still don't know much about him. I want to know everything about him! But I don't know where to start. It's strange just asking "who are you" to someone you've known for a little more than a week now. He would just stare at me like I was a maniac. Well, I am a maniac, but I don't want him to look at me like I am one. I'll let him open up when he want it. He hardly know me either! And I don't want him to know about me... Not about my moms suicide, not about my fathers fucking around and drinking... But I could tell him about Fran. She was probably the only part of my life that I was proud of. She was so cute and kind. So mature for her age. I should probably tuck her in and get some sleep now.. Bye.
/Jane."

"Every pupil of this School is going to have a chat with the schoolnurse today", mr. Berg informed us one Tuesday. Benjamin hadn't been in School for two whole days. "It's just to let her know what you are going to do when you grow up and how you are doing."
I raised one eyebrow. I wouldn't speak a word about my personal life or thoughts to some shitty schoolnurse who got payed for putting band aids on little kids knees. She wasn't worthy.
After lunch I got directed to the Schoolnurse office. I knocked on the door and she called out a "come in!" as I entered her room. There was a
bunk in one corner, for someone sick to lie down on and almost 50 drawings on one wall made by kids who must be like 5 years old or something. She herself, the fine schoolnurse that teachers talked so good about to the students but talked shit about with eachother, sat down by her desk, reticifying her glasses on her nose. She clicked away some windows that where open on her computer and clapped her hands together.
"Jane!", she finally spoke. "Please, take a seat."
I heasitativly sat down on the armchair in front of her, eyeing her up and down.
"So...", she started. "How is Jane today?"
She was an idiot. She talked about me in third person? I wasn't a fucking child! I turned in my chair, feeling uncomftarble as the anger creeped up on me.
The room was quiet. I heard the ticking the clock on the wall, and decided to look up on it. It was 2:16 and her clock had a duck behind the hands.
"Jane, didn't you hear me?"
I refused to pay her attention. I narrowed my eyes as my vision became blurry by just staring at one point for five minutes.
"Is there anything you want to tell me?" she asked. "What's your interests?"
Planning your death, I wanted to say. A smirked played along my cheeks as I decided to face her.
"That's better", she said, smiling in relief. "So... what do you do after School?"
"I go home", I answered.
"What do you do when you are home?" she continued.
"I write."
Why did I even bother telling her this? I realised that I was going to get in trouble if I didn't and trouble means attention, so I kept talking about that I liked to write and draw... Which was a complete lie. I liked writing, but I just wrote in my own diary that no one would ever read. She kept asking about my life, my friends and my siblings. I told her about Rebecca and Samantha. I didn't know any Samantha. I told the nurse that she came from Canada and she was there to meet her family now. I don't know why, but it felt good to talk about Samantha. She didn't exist, but it was as if she was a part of me. The part of my brain that told me to stay alive. She had a name now. I smiled a little. So what if she was an imaginary friend. She still was a friend. It wasn't like I could control her, she was the stronger part of me that took action once in a while, and I had nothing to do with what she made me do.

After talking to the nurse, her being satisfied with my answers to her questions, I went back to the classroom. I took a seat in the back of the classroom. Only this time I didn't feel as lonely as before. Benjamin wasn't beside me today, but I had Samantha inside me. She felt closer than she ever been before.