The Diary of Jane

I woke up by the sound of someone sobbing and sniffing. My eyes shifted before they found the source of the sound, which was my babysister. She lay there on her matress in the third cornerof our room beside the door and I immidatly went up and sat down beside her. Seeing her teary eyes look up at me broke my heart all over again. She sat up and let me wrap my arms around her and hold her close as she burried her face into the curve of my neck and I felt her salty tears run down my chest. I didn't know if it was the right time to ask her what was wrong, so I decided to stay silent.
I think I sat there for an hour, just feel her cry against my shoulder and take a hard grip against the sheets in her bed, before she fell asleep again. I finally let myself go and the tears spluttered out of my eyes as I tucked her in and with shaky hands wiped away her tears, even though it was for no good. She was already wet by my own tears, so I just lay down in my bed again sniffing and sobbing, feeling broken and crushed. I shook as I cletched against the pillow. This time was so much more worse than before. My whole body felt shaky and my guts threatened its way up my throat as my tears ran down my cheeks. I couldn't take lying in the bed without anyone seeing me and my misery. I once again left my bed but this time I put on some clothes and gone out of the apartment, out in the cool night air. I forgot my shoes, but I didn't feel like returning just for them. And now my misery changed to anger.
WHY?
I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick some innocent bastard just to let them know just what it feels like. What it feels like having a father that you've been afraid of for your whole life, how it feels watching your sister, the only person you really love, crying herself to sleep. How the fuck it feels when you can't even talk to a person that means so much to you and doesn't even know it. How it feels to be so fucking confused, so hurt, so angry.
I opened my mouth and let out a high-pitched, loud scream that cut through the quiet night. I didn't care if I woke someone in deep sleep. I screamed again, but this time it died down by my sobs and now my legs couldn't bear me. I fell to the ground and just cried, shaking and restless. I couldn't get rid of the feeling of someone seeing the whole scene, but I just didn't seem to care. This time I couldn't see Samantha anywhere. It was like she left when I just found out about her. She fucking left me on my own, how was I supposed to take it?
WHY?

It was like nothing would be the same for the rest of my life. I didn't even go back inside for the whole night, I had finally fallen asleep beside our house and gone to School when I woke up, the clock being way past 8:00, when the Schoolday started.
After lunch I gone to my first lesson. It was math, and I hated math. I kept my mouth shut and I didn't look at anyone. I just bit my bottom lip, being to busy with destroying it to notice anything else. My hair was shagging in my eyes, it was like a black curtain in front of my whole face. No one could see me this way, and neither could I see them. It didn't feel like a total loss anyway. I never won anything of seeing them whisper about me or laugh right in my face.
But I still heard them. I closed my eyes and dug my teeth into my lip so I felt the iron taste of blood flooding into my mouth as I probably broke a vein in my lip. They whispered "what's with her?" "she probably misses her emoboyfriend."
I shut my eyes close and let a tear slip out of my eye. A second tear wasn't late behind to fall down my cheek. I wanted to scream again, taking a grip on my thighs, feeling my nails dig into my skin, wrenching in pain, but it kept my emotions under control. I felt my teachers eyes on me as I did so but he didn't react.

What have I become?
The question came out of nowhere. I stared down at my hands. They where young and soft, but I felt like an old woman. It was hard to even look into the mirror, into my unwrinkled, pale face. It was like my brain and body was fifty years older than my own body. My thoughts where so mature and I could barely walk upstraight. My shoulders always hung down and I never looked up when I passed someone in the corridor. I was just a little girl, I knew that. But no one would get it, would they? The people in School always pushed me into lockers or yelled after me, as if I was made of stone, that I didn't care of what they said. The truth was that I took in every each one of their words. They where like a bible to me. Something to live by. If they wanted a pale sad ghostgirl they would get one, and it wasn't hard to play that part. They wanted an emo, and I could give them that too. They wanted an emocouple and the first thing me and Benjamin did after we first met was always sitting next to eachother. Was it all because of them? Was it really? It felt like I only lived by their ideals and didn't have any free will. My father seemed to think that I was made of stone too. How he treated me...
I couldn't go on thinking about it. If I did I'd probably end up crying and get weird looks, or worse, pity. Pity and another talk with the schoolnurse. I couldn't handle that.
I missed Benjamin. Where was he? It felt like forever ago I saw his face. Sure, I dreamt about him tonight, but I couldn't see his face.
I went outside the schoolbuilding and streched my arms out, as far as I could. I wasn't someone who took more space than I needed, but today I had no one was by my side. Rebecca was gone, she probably thought that I was better off alone, like I had tried to tell her for so long. Now when she finally got it, I felt alone. More alone than before. Especially when Benjamin was gone.
To even think his name at a time like this made me want to break out in tears.
I went inside again. I didn't have anywhere to go anyway. I wasn't needed, I filled up a space that should be blanc. I...
"STOP IT!"
The highpitched voice took me by surprise and I jumped in surprise. I heard a gang laugh hard and exchange words like "do it!" and "shut up, fucking emo!"
I knew who they where bullying this time. It was him. Why hadn't I seen him if he'd been in school? Did he avoid me? I tried to shoot the thought aside. I was acting so selfish. Where was he?
I followed the voices and ended up outside the boys bathroom. I hesitated before I pushed the doorhandle down and opened slowly. They didn't seem to notice their company, so I slipped inside and watched the scene before me. It was less harsh than I visualized it. He wasn't being beat down, or murdered. There wasn't any blood there. They only humiliated him by pressing his head down the toilet. He waved his arms and tried hard to get away from them, but they where too strong.
"Stop it!" I uttered suddenly.
Everyone, Benjamin and the three jocks, turned around and stared at me. They seemed surprised that a little ghostgirl like me stood there, and not some nerdy guy. I tried to look angry and dangerous, but failed.
"I'll tell the principal!" I lied. I would never go that far with it, Benjamin where humiliated enough already. This was just an empty threat.
"Well do that then, you fucking bitch!" One of the jocks, the biggest one of them, went closer to me.
He had to be more than a head taller than me, so I looked up at him. I didn't know where my sudden courage came from. Maybe Samantha hadn't left me all alone like I thought...
I thought that he'd hit me in the face, but instead he just ordered the other guys to go, and he went with them. Benjamin sat down inside the toiletbooth with toiletwater streaming down from his hair into his face. I couldn't tell if he was crying as well, but I didn't push the matter further. I just took a lot of toiletpaper and tried to dry his hair. It didn't go very well, but the touch of his hair between just a small piece of paper made my heart jump.
When his hair where somewhat dry, I dried his face a little bit and sat down beside him. He let out a long sigh, before he stood up. I looked up at him. Was he going to leave me? Was he just going to leave when I just saved him from those jocks? Then it went up for me; I saved him. It wasn't supposed to be like that. He was supposed to save me. Or was it? Maybe it was my job, to save him. While these question swirled around in my head he just went and turned off the light, before he sat down beside me again. It was jet black and I couldn't see a thing, but the darkness felt comforting in some kind off way. Maybe that was what he'd been out for when he turned the light off in the first place. I heard him sniff and cry beside me, his body shook uncontrolably and it broke my heart to see him cry. As if it wasn't enough to see my sister cry like that. I could hear his unstable breathing and sniffing. The tears where probably welling down his eyes. I let my hand seek its way to his face and my thumb to caress the wet lining underneath his eyes, wipe away some of the tears building up in his eyes again and again. He felt weak. He was supposed to be the man here, but now I took care of him. He closed his eyes as my thumb dried his wet eyelashes. I thought about Fran. When she was sad she wanted a hug. I thought about myself. When I was sad I wanted to be left alone. But if I was sad with Benjamin... I would like a hug too. So I wrapped my arms around him and rocked him soothingly in my arms. His arms where supposed to be wrapped around me. I tried not to focus on that, just to make him stop crying.
"Thanks", I heard him whisper.
"Uh... No problem...", I mumbled.
He sighed. I let go of him and sat down beside him again. What was the clock? It felt like we'd been sitting here for hours. It didn't bother me, I just... I didn't want to leave his side, ever again.
"I... I just...", he tried to explain something, I didn't know what but I simply said:
"Yeah, I understand."
I didn't want to seem stupid.
"You don't understand." I could hear him smile in his voice.
I grinned in response. It was nice to just sit there with him and make him smile again. My goal for him was to stop crying, and now he smiled. I could never make Fran smile after she cried with me.
"You've been away", I mumbled.
"Yeah....", he whispered.
"Where was you?"
He looked at me. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness, so I could see the seriousness in his eyes when he said;
"I... I'm sorry... I can't..."