The Diary of Jane

Music was blaring out of the speakers, it was loud and probably the only thing that Benjamins parents had spent money on for him. It was some band I hadn't heard about before, nor the musicstyle, but I liked it. I liked how the singer screamed the lyrics, telling me off. I liked how the music was hard and fast and how the song was soon to end. It was hardly upbuilt like a normal popsong, I couldn't even tell what the chorus was. But it was good. I watched Benjamins foot tap on the floor in rythm with the music, and how he smiled at the song.
"What's it about?" I asked.
"What?" He replied. He had lost himself into the music.
"The song, what is it about?" I said.
Benjamin closed his eyes and listened again. He smiled to himself.
"It's about wanting to kill someone, really bad", he chuckled.
"Really?" I asked.
He nodded at me and took my hand. I smiled to him and sighed to myself. It was good music. I hadn't really liked music before, but now that there was musicians out there that felt the same way as I did I liked it. I thought I was alone. I felt how tears was about to fall down my cheeks, but I held it in. Benjamin noticed and hugged me gently. It was enough to send shivers down my spine and break out all my emotions into tears on his shoulder. I could feel physical contact without feeling dirty or wrong, I told myself. I tried to listen to the better part of me, but it only left me feeling empty and shallow, even though I cried my heart out.
Benjamin caressed my back, whispering into my ear that it was okay, that it was good for me to cry. As my eyes drained on tears, I sighed to myself. I was tired.
"Do you want to sleep here tonight?" Benjamin asked and smiled.
His eyes was still black and angry, but I saw more than that in him. How long had I known him? Probably enough to feel a connection with him. He was the better part of me.
"I can't", I answered. "I have to take care of my sister. I have to go home..."
"Okay, I can go with you", he said and turned the music off.
I nodded. Then he took something out of the drawer by his desk. He handed me a cd-player with headphones and smiled a little. He gave me a CD too. It said 'Leathermouth'.
"It's only four songs on it, but they're really good", he said. "And I want you to listen to them. It's good for you."
I nodded and smiled back.
"Thank you."

*

"Where've you been?"
I avoided his question, and walked straight into my room and lay down on the bed. Fransesca wasn't here. Where the hell was she?
"I said, where the fuck have you been, Jane!" My dad shouted and went in to my room.
I didn't answer.
"Have you... Jane! Tell me!" He sat down on the bed and his big, pleading eyes made me want to punch him. This was too much. Now he was trying to be a good father, but he wasn't. And he would never be.
"I was at a friends house", I answered with a small voice.
"A friends house?" He looked shocked.
I just wanted to take my cdplayer and knock him out with it. Why couldn't he just leave? My eyes wattered as I realised what he was about to do. He reached after my shoulder with his hand, but I backed up to my wall, pressing myself to it. He was too close, too close, too close. He was my dad, he wasn't supposed to caress my inner thigh. He wasn't supposed to lick his lips on purpose when I saw it. I closed my eyes and pressed myself further to the harsh wall.
I hated walls. I wished I could just run through them.
"My little baby", he whispered with his face only inches away from mine. His fingers lined my nose, my cheeks, my mouth. He smiled.
"Go away", I breathed, but my voice was gone. He was already too close, I let him be so close to me.
He pressed his lips to mine and thrusted his tongue into my mouth. I just wanted it to be over, I didn't want this.
I should scream, I should make a scene, I should run away, I should slap him. But I couldn't. I had no strenth inside.
When the kiss ended he panted heavilly. How could I let his tongue snake its way through my mouth? It tasted like alcohol. Imagine yourself kissing a hoboe.. That's the taste. My heart was torned up, beaten. My heart was dead and my soul was washed away, ripped by my father. My own father had kissed me and touched me, and I felt tears streem down my cheeks.
"Stop being so fucking rebellian, Jane!" he screamed as he got up from my bed.
Then I saw my little sister standing in the doorway, crying. I stared at her, and then at my father. It was too much. Too fucking much. I wouldn't be able to handle it.
And then everything went jet black.

*

"Hey, Jane!" Benjamin exclaimed from the other side of the schoolcorridor and jogged his way to me.
Rebecca was standing by my side with her math-stuff. How could he recognize me? I had pulled my hood up, just so he wouldn't see me. I hugged my books close without looking up on him as he came closer.
"What's wrong?" He asked and took his hand under my chin, making me look up at him.
"I...", I panted and felt tears stream across my face. "It's..."
I moaned to myself in selfpity and turned around from him. My dad had hit my sister really hard, and then he knocked me out too. My head was a throbbing nightmare and my lip wouldn't heal. This was too much. I didn't want to see Benjamin, or Rebecca for that matter. I wanted to be alone.
"Please, Jane?" Benjamin begged.
"No!" I yelled.
I started running through the corridors. I heard his footsteps behind me, but ignored it.

I left School and Benjamin behind and sat down in a bus. I hoped it would take me somewhere else.
I pulled my diary out of my bag and started listening to Leathermouth.
Scream at me, cuss at me, wrong me. Tell me that I'm ugly, that I'm doing something wrong. Tell me how fucking mad you are at me.
I bit my lip harder and heard the singers voice drain. He was tired. I was tired.
Someone understood me.