The Diary of Jane

A lady turned around and looked at me. Her mouth mimmiced something I couldn't hear. My ears where filled with Leathermouths hurt singers voice. He screamed in defeat. I didn't want to know what that lady wanted to tell me. She seemed to get my point as I ignored her by staring blankly out the window. People would pity me, even though they didn't even know me. Did I look as hurt as I felt? Was it that visible?
Could you see my aching heart through my flesh and ribcage? I closed my eyes and felt tears building up behind the lids. It was so visible that it hurt. People saw me, people knew me. They knew exactly what happened last night and why I was so tired and broken. They looked right through me.

After an hour of riding the bus, I got out of it and looked around. I saw houses, flowers, green grass and a shining sun. I saw kids play and laugh. I saw parents talking to eachother in peace. I saw that these people had a future, that they would never feel as hurt as I did. Even though I cried to myself because of it, I was happy for them. They wouldn't experience hell.

"Don't run too fast now, Janie!" my mother said as I took my best friend Rebeccas hand and started running.
"I won't!" I replied.
We had this game where we'd run hand in hand and see who was bound to run like crazy for the longest time. If anyone would slow down, the other had won. It was a simple game, but I always lost.
Sometimes we'd run far away. Two times we got lost, but that just gave more excitement to us. I was happy, my smiles where genuine. And me and Rebecca would talk about school and boys for hours. She knew me and I knew her. We talked about everything.

One day I went to my dads apartment. I barely visited him, because my mom wouldn't let me. But today he called the School so I could go home to him. He had something important to tell me, my teacher Helena had told me.
I liked to meet my father. He was so much fun! He'd tell me stories and hug me. He told me he loved me everytime I went to see him.
But today he wasn't my happy old man. His blue eyes where hurt and he looked down where he sat in the sofa.
"What's wrong?" I questioned and sat down next to him.
"Your mom was in an accident, Jane..", he sighed. "I..."
"I'm eleven, dad. I can handle it."

Why was I being so mature? I knew what was about to hit me, but when he formed the word "she's dead, Jane", it was the biggest shock of my life.
And one year later Fran was born.

Tears were running freely and I didn't try to stop them. I had found a swing where I sat down and just relaxed. I tried to get a grip of my emotions and remember as much as I could. When was it my dad started drinking? He had always had problems with alcohol, but now that I lived with him I saw it. No, I didn't just see it. I heard it, I smelled it. I was grossed out by it. And then one day, he hugged me too tight and too long. The other day he grabbed me in places I wasn't bound to be grabbed by my father. I shuddered.
If I had been confident and tough I'd scream at him, but I didn't have enough voice to do it. I was too tired and I barely spoke to anyone.
Benjamin should hate me. And I wasn't sure about my feelings for him anymore. If I'd be able to spend time with him without being sarcastic and mean I'd have to tell him about my dad. But if I told him about my dad, everyone else would know too. School would make a big deal of it, but if they found out... I couldn't even imagine the punishment. He had threatened to kill my sister if I told anyone. If that happened, I'd kill myself. Or let him kill me. It wasn't more than right.
I could stand this, couldn't I? I could stand the feelings that where ripping through me. I was still breathing, but my body felt like an empty shell of what I used to be.
I missed the old me. I could laugh at my own thoughts. I made up stories and I told people the truth. I could form a sentence that didn't involve anything about my miserable life. I could tell anyone what I'd been up to that weekend, without hesitation.
There wasn't anything to hide about me.

*

The sky was in the colors pink, orange, blue and white. I looked up, finding stars revealing as darkness closed up in the sky. I closed my eyes, feeling extremely safe.
No one knew me around here. I could be whoever I wanted to be.
But would I sleep here? On this green, perfect grass that was so different from my real being?
Then it hit me.
What was happening with Fran right now? Did she run away? From the minute my dad had hit me I'd been walking around in a cloudy daze that I hadn't woken up from until now. What was I doing? I had cared more for myself than Fran. I really had. I didn't need my own sympathi! She needed it more than anyone else! She was only four, soon to be five years old and her life was already ruined. And now I wasn't there for her.

My body was shaking as I sat down on the bus again. This one was going home. I had to go back, even though every sense in my body wanted me to stay in that perfect ideal place. I didn't want people to know me, nor know about me. But now I was brought back to this harsh reality.

*

I opened the door to the apartment. I found my dad sleeping on the couch. His mouth was all open, and he snored like loudly. When I first moved here I teased him for it. Nowadays I knew better than to do something like that again.
I searched through the livingroom, kitchen and barhroom before I opened the door to our room. Frannie lay in my bed, hugging a teddybear tight. I sighed. She was breathing, she was here and she didn't look too hurt. She had dried tears on her cheeks, but now I couldn't care less. Her phyiscal health was more important.
She wasn't that badly hurt, though. I didn't think my father hit her as hard as he hit me.
I lay down next to her and sighed. She looked peaceful when she slept, like a normal kid. Normal, like I once was. The memories where dwelling, and my tears started to fall again. I couldn't stop them.
I wrapped my arms around my small sister. She had lost weight, just like me. I kissed her cheek and aloud myself to smell her hair. She hadn't shower in some time, but she still had her childish sister-smell that made me believe for once, that everything was fine. I was beyond repair, but she could easily be fixed. Her wounds would heal, if we some time got away from this hellhole.

Suddenly I heard someone banging on the front door. My body frozed, and I listened sharply to my dads movement in the livingroom/hall. I could hear him groan to himself and open the door. And then there was a tiny voice. It was a guys voice. Did my father even know guys? He only fucked girls, slept, and gave me and Fran a hard time. That was about it. His life was so fulfilling, wasn't it?
Then I saw my dad in my doorway.
"Someone wants to talk to you", he said.
I made a small nodd, and before I thought twice I took Fran in my arms and carried her to the front door. I couldn't risk her getting hurt from my father again, I just couldn't.
And then I saw who was standing there, looking at me with his black eyes and messy hair. He bit his lip. Time had stopped.
"They kicked me out", he stuttered, choking on tears.
I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't.
"Can I... Can I sleep here tonight?" He sniffed. Tears were falling down his cheeks and he looked so hurt.
My lip quivered and I felt myself crying to. I nodded to him and he followed me into my room. I couldn't care less about what my father thought of me having someone sleeping here. A 'stranger'. Benjamin needed me.
When we were inside my room I lay Fran down in my bed again. I lay down next to her and gestured to Benjamin to lay down beside me as well. He did as I wanted and as his head hit the pillow I could hear him sigh in relief.
"What happened?" I asked as his arm snaked around my waist.
"I...", he sighed. "Can't you tell me a little about yourself, Jane?"
He sounded desperate, pleading. He wanted to talk about anything but himself. I knew the feeling too well. But what could I possibly tell him about myself?
"This is Fran", I said and gestured to my sister who lay there, sleeping. "She's my everything, and four years old."
Benjamin nodded to me. He turned his head and watched me there beside me, and I met his eyes. We where both laying on our backs, but faced eachother. He leaned forward, and without hesitation our lips met. It was just a small peck, but my mind froze and turned into a million pieces. Did I taste like alcohol? Did I taste 'abusive father'? My breath got caught in my throat.
"Who are you?" he asked.
He didn't sound angry or blaming. It was just a simple question.
"I... I don't know." I answered.
He wrapped his arms tightly around me and kissed my forhead. Was this going too fast? I didn't care, I just buried my face into his chest. He was still in his jeans and t-shirt, and he acted kind off weird. But he was here, and that was what mattered.
"I want you to know something", he whispered after a while of silence. "And... I'll always be your unknown soldier, Janie. Always. You can tell me anything and I won't judge you, or tell anyone."
I sighed to myself. Unknown soldier. Evil angel. Benjamin.
"Okay", I whispered back and pressed my lips against his.
This time I opened my mouth and let his tongue grace mine. I was his. I knew it. I just fell in love.