The Diary of Jane

"Fran, wake up", I whispered. "You have to go wake up, honey."
She yawned and streched her arms before jumping in surprise at the sight of Benjamin behind me.
"This is my friend Benjamin", I explained.
"Hi", she mumbled and blushed.
I just grinned. She acted exactly like I did the first time I saw him.

I led her out of the apartment, where her mom had parked her car to pick her up and take her to School. She hugged me tight and we told eachother 'I love you' before she sat down in the car and it drove away. A lump formed in my stomach, like it always did, when I didn't have any control over her. She wasn't mine.
I hung my head as I walked back into the apartment. My father had left to do something. I never knew where he was going when he went away for the day, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know.

The minute I was back inside my room I was exhausted all over again. Benjamin was still on the bed and I lied down next to him. As the minutes past I couldn't help but feeling slightly awkward. Our steady breaths was the only sound filling the thick silence. My mind traveled to other thoughts. What he said yesterday, what happened yesterday. He told me that I could tell him anything. A-ny-thing. It had calmed me for that moment, that moment where our lips met and how we just surrendered ourselves into the kiss. But now I had lost control of my emotions and they where all splattered out inside my head, my heart. I was broken beyond repair, but he made me feel safer.

"What're you thinking about?" He broke the silence.
I looked up on him. He caressed my cheek with his soft hand and smiled.
"You."
He told me I could tell him anything. I was going to tell him anything. This was only the start.
"Really?" He blushed. "I was thinking about you too, you know."
I giggled. Oh my god, one more giggle and I'd punch myself. My giggles sounded so fake.
"So... what did you think about that involved me?" He asked as I sat up next to him in the bed.
"I thought about yesterday night", I smiled.
"Yesterday night was good", he replied.

We both just let out a small awkward laugh, as a strange, sticky feeling spread inside my chest. It shot from my stomach to my heart and kind off just bounced inbetween them. It made my breathings unsteady and provided me to giggle without control. I looked up at him to see if he thought I was weird, only find him laughing as much as I did.

He pushed me down in the bed and kissed me on the lips again. I smiled against his lips and opened my mouth to let his tongue in. This felt so right. This didn't feel like my father rough hands at all. He laughed and we wrapped our arms around eachother. His body was perfect, not that fit, kinda skinny. He was underweight, I could tell. But he was perfect for me.

He was just like I was. We shared something. He kissed my lips again. I didn't know what, but I was eager to find out.
"I really like kissing you", he giggled when we just lay there on my bed and gazed into eachothers eyes.
"I like kissing you too", I answered and smiled.

*

We skipped School that day, and the next day too. I wasn't sure when I would open up completly to him. I knew I had to, because I loved him and he said he loved me. It was just that whenever I thought about it, it felt like a whole digged deeper and deeper into me and the sticky, happy feeling I used to feel when I looked at Benjamin just hurt me. He was my unknown soldier, like he said. He would be there for me. How couldn't I believe his sincere eyes when he told me that?

He sat down on a swing, and I sat down in the middle of the playground.
"Watch out", he warned. "Kids poop in these things."
I laughed.
"Yeah, you should know", I answered.
"How?" He scrunched up his nose.
"Well... you're the experienced one", I giggled.
He tried to suffocate a laughter.
"You're really looking for trouble, aren't you?" He made an attempt on getting up of the swing.
"Maybe I am!"

I could see how hard he wanted to laugh, but he supressed his giggles with closing his mouth and bite his lips. I could tell how he was cracking up on the way a string in his neck that became visible and sort of vibrated. Like he laughed on the inside.
I couldn't stand seeing him like that, so I quickly got up on my feet and attacked him by tickling him down on the ground. He bit his lip so hard not to laugh, but I couldn't allow it.

I pressed his arms down under my knees and sat up on his stomach and tickled him in his armpits.
"Laugh!" I commanded with a goofy grin plastered on my face.
This was pure pain, and I knew I caused him to feel helpless and defeated. But it felt good, I just wanted to hear his laugh.
Suddenly he broke out laughing like a madman, and kicking with his legs. The adrenaline pumped as I tickled him more, but in some way he succeeded in turning us around so that he was on top of me.
"NO!" I yelled. "Please, please, please don't tickle me!"
I felt tears run down my cheeks as I laughed. He giggled and started moving his fingers just above my body, so it looked like he tickled, but really didn't touch me. It was enough to make me laugh.
"Stop it!" I screamed.
"Stop what?" He laughed. "I'm not even touching you."
"I knooow", I giggled and tried to calm down.

Just as I started to relax, he tickled me for real. I doubled up with laughter and tried to get out of his firm grip, but he was stronger. It was similiar with how my dad took a hold of me, and should freak me out. But there was something about Benjamin that made me stay calm, even though I laughed and paniced.

Eventually he stopped tickling me and just stayed there on top of me. He looked down on me with his darkbrown eyes. Now they weren't harsh at all, the where just... Soft and happy. It's strange how a childish outburst suddenly can change to a sexual tension. And that he leaned down and kissed me softly on the neck. It made me feel dizzy, and I could feel his erection push against my stomach. It felt good, like a confirmation that I was good enough for him. That he wanted me. I wanted to turn him on.
Safe to say, he turned me on too. He made me feel like nothing had made me feel before. I wanted to feel him, touch him and kiss him. It was all about him. I loved how he kissed the crook of my neck and let his fingers wander across my skin. I panted slightly as we lay there on the playground.

"We should go", he whispered.
"Mhm...", I mumbled.
We got up from where we had layed. The whole world spun around as I stood up and I closed my eyes and leaned against him.
"Are you okay?" He asked in a worried tone.
He cared. My eyes welled up.
"Yeah, I just stood up too fast", I answered.

He put a protective arm around my shoulders. He looked down on me, and I gazed back. So many thoughts hit me at the same time in just that moment. Thoughts about his looks, about my father, about how I hade given into him so easily. Why was it so easy to cave in under his protective shield? I should have a problem with trusting people. I sighed in irritation at my own thoughts. Did I want to be depressed? This was good for me. Trusting Benjamin made me feel better.
I was immune to things that made me feel better.