Psyche

Jamie spends half of the day sleeping, reading, thinking too much, and aimlessly walking throughout the house. He waits till noon to tell Girlie he’s going to hang out with Jean later. She looks wary, and it takes a bit of convincing for her to say yes, but he can’t stay out late tonight. He agrees without a second thought because the uneasiness in him makes it impossible to think clearly.

Around 4:15 he gets a text from Jean saying he’ll be there in 15 minutes. He holds his phone tight and wonders if all of this is a mistake. He automatically punches in Alexandria’s number, but then puts his phone off to the side. He always needs someone to reassure him, and he knows he can’t get that all the time.

He can do this on his own.

As he walks downstairs he hears gravel crunching and an engine sounding. Through the window Jamie sees Jean parked in the driveway and he calls out to Girlie that he’s leaving before going out the door. His feet drag across the ground and it seems to take forever before he’s sitting in Jean’s car.

There’s something about seeing Jean, for the first in a long while, that throws emotions hard and fast at Jamie. Jamie shrinks into his seat as he stares at Jean. For some reason he assumed Jean would look different, but he’s the same. He has the same look and sweet smile he always gives Jamie.

“My mom’s been asking about you,” Jean chuckles. “I told her you’ve been doing missionary work in Nepal, but I don’t think she believes me.”

It’s so terrible and awkward yet Jamie laughs anyway and the anxiety lessens some. Jean suddenly grasps his hand, and Jamie wants o tell him how much he’s missed being able to touch him..

“. . . I’m glad you’re home,” Jean tells him.

******

Jamie knows by now that his heart’s rapid beating is completely unhealthy. So is him not being able to breathe or his head throbbing like his skull might crack. He might be over exaggerating but it’s appropriate.

They park in front of Jean’s house and linger for some time in the car. Jean has his hands tight around the steering wheel, until they slowly loosen and drop to his lap.

“It’s nice out,” Jean chimes. “You wanna go in the backyard?”

They walk down a stone-titled path, their bodies getting smaller until they’re surrounded by the vivid flowers Celeste has planted. They make the air smell cleaner, and for a moment Jamie thinks the flowers might talk but they never do.

There’s a sitting area in the middle of the backyard. They sit side-by-side at the table and Jamie’s certain his heart has burst a vessel, but he’s here now.

”Last night you said you were sorry,” Jean starts, “and I was so confused because I thought I was the one who was supposed to be sorry, to ask you to forgive me.” Jean’s smile is strained tightly and he keeps tugging at his hair. “All I want is for you to forgive me.”

“But nothing’s your fault,” Jamie mumbles. “It’s me.”

Jean leans his head near Jamie’s, foreheads almost touching, and Jamie watches his mouth as he speaks. “Okay, how about this: It’s no one’s fault but we’re both sorry for something.” Jean doesn’t say anymore after that, and Jamie begins to lose his nerve as to what he wants to say to him.

Jean interlocks their fingers together and peers down at them. He keeps smiling and though Jamie thinks he should panic, all he can feel is peace spreading through him. He tightens his hold on Jean and decides that things will be okay.

When Jamie speaks his voice breaks at random spots, but at least he’s talking.

“I did trust you. I-I didn’t really trust me.” He keeps his sight on Jean and somehow he’s not breaking down. “I didn’t trust what would happen if I told you everything.”

“Like what?” Jean smiles meekly. He keeps leaning forward like he might kiss him soon.

“Just everything. Even the things I haven’t told other people yet, like Alexandria,” he says.

“Really?”

“Yeah . . . I’ll feel better if you promise me something.”

Jean doesn’t blink. “What?”

The world won’t explode and even if it does, Jamie thinks he’ll still be okay.

He closes his eyes.

“You’ll listen till I’m done. You won’t . . . you’ll wait and not run out on me.”

Jean finally pulls him in, his arms going around him. Jamie’s breath shakes as he takes in the way Jean’s warmth feels, and he believes he can feel Jean’s heart beating erratically. He buries his face in Jean’s shoulder till it’s hard to breath.

This is the only place, the only person, which feels completely right.

When Jean says he will, Jamie doesn’t stop praying that maybe Jean does love him.