Remember

I want to apologise for the depressing post I last made. I realise how silly I had been with much help from Riktor. I fear I hold a larger amount of paranoia than I originally assumed, but hopefully knowing this I will be able to work on it, grow from it.

Yesterday Riktor stopped by to check on me, he told me he worried because I hadn't text messaged or called him to inform him of what exactly happened between Andy and I. I understand his worries, and we talked everything out to give the both of us a better understanding of the whole situation. He explained to me the things he had heard from Andy upon going to him, and it cleared my mind a bit from the doubts I've felt toward whatever you wish to call our relation.

I really had been quite frightened of Andy's intentions with me, my fears growing and consuming my mind, thinking he is just playing with me for his own sick intentions. Riktor tells me otherwise. With words I should have already known seeing how close Andy and I once were, Riktor informed me of how Andy would never do such a thing to any person. I know Andy's heart is bigger than I seem to be giving him credit for lately, but can one blame me? After all I had been through...Though, I admit, I should have let it go. It isn't uncommon for internet relations to fall out without words, and complete abandonment. It happens everyday, I should not have held on.

I'm glad I did, though. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have found Andy again which means none of this would be happening. Even if I am not entirely certain what is happening between Andy and myself, I am pleased it is happening. I really do love him very strongly, and, admittedly, I have loved him for quite a while. I used to fear him finding out, but now I am pleased with him knowing. All of this is turning into pleasant things, and for once I feel maybe life might be becoming better for me. I wish all this positivity to stay with me as I tire of the depressing thoughts lingering around inside my mind.

Andy had messaged me asking to go out with him tomorrow before he has to return to the road. I'm quite surprised he has been here this long, if I'm honest. I expected him to have had to of left already to keep with the schedule. Which makes me wonder when I'll be able to see him again after he leaves...I hope that things will not return to how they were before we met up. I would rather not have him ignore me all over again. I realise I am a nobody, and I realise more that he can easily find someone more worth his time, but I would rather be selfish this once and keep him myself. As long as he allows it, of course.

I wonder if any of his fans (other than those of you following my blog) will know of me, and/or the happenings between us....It really does make one wonder what he'll keep from his fans because of publicity....

And now my fears are back. Bloody Hell.