This Is How I Disappear

Five years has passed since Helena’s death and I still can’t get her out of my mind. Her face haunts me in my sleep, and when I walk down the street I swear I see her. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about her. She was the one, and death took her away from me. I know I should try to get over her, but you have no idea how hard it is. I feel like I’m betraying her if I stop thinking about her. I can’t forget her, and I don’t want to. I’m longing for her touch, her lips, her laughter, her smile, her smell, everything. Knowing that I’ll never get that again kills me.

There are a few times I’ve thought about suicide, it is a fucking hell living without her. I’m 23 now, Helena would be 21. Every day I imagine how my life would be if she was still alive. We would probably live together and I guess she would be in college. I’m not the type of guy that goes to college so I’d probably have a job of some sort. In a few years we would probably have a baby or two and we would be with each other for the rest of our lives. Loving each other, taking care of each other, grow old together. I loved Helena with all my heart and I still do. I’ll never have those kinds of feelings for someone again; no one can fill Helena’s shoes.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m melodramatic and that one day I’ll fall in love again. But I won’t, she wasn’t just any girl, she was the girl, my girl. We didn’t get to spend any time together, and I can’t help but think that if I had stayed with her instead of moving to Chicago, she would probably be here, she wouldn’t be at a graveyard, she wouldn’t be dead. I feel like her death was some sort of a punishment for leaving her, and I’ll never forgive myself given that it was my fault she died that night.

I still remember the first time I met her. I was sitting on a bench outside the school we went to, smoking. And then she came up to me and asked if she could have one. I didn’t see her properly that night as it was dark and no street lights around. But when I saw her for real in daylight… She took my breath away, she stunned me. And even though she was troubled and secretive I felt like she trusted me with her heart and I was prepared to care for it and protect it. Thinking about it makes my eyes tear up, and my heart stops beating for a while. She was an amazing girl and I will love her until the day I die.

I’ve been staying in touch with Gerard after Helena’s death; I guess we both need someone to talk to once in a while. Someone who knew her and has her memory locked inside them. Gerard took her death pretty badly, and he still hasn’t managed to cope. Not that I have either, but seeing the grief in his eyes is horrible, he’s hurting more than anyone. Helena was the only person he truly cared about, the light in his life. She was his inspiration. He doesn’t draw anymore and he quit his job as an art teacher. Nowadays he’s just sitting in the couch staring at the wall, he never leaves the house. He’s moved his bed into Helena’s room and is basically a wreck. He doesn’t know how to function without her and it breaks my heart. Every now and then I call him just to be sure he hasn’t killed himself. I know that’s a definite possibility right now, and I can’t lose him too. He’s the only one who can understand how painful it is to live without her.