‹ Prequel: Give 'Em Hell, Kid
This Is How I Disappear
Fourteen
I take a deep breath to gather my thoughts. The fact that I’ve promised Jane to teach her my special song haunts me. How could I be so dumb? It’s like I’m determined to hurt myself, like I’m an emotional cutter. I should never have given her that promise given that I don’t know if I can keep it. She’s too young to understand the meaning of the song and I don’t want to tell her the story behind it. I don’t want to see her light blue eyes tear up, and I don’t want her to pity me in any way. I don’t want to corrupt her innocent soul with stories about death and heartbreak.
I walk towards my bedroom, aiming for the bed. I’m so exhausted by the swirling thoughts you can’t even imagine. I close my eyes trying to picture unicorns on a sunny day, like my therapist told me to all those years ago. But what difference does it make? Why should I shut out reality with something so unreal? Unicorns don’t even exist. Fucking therapist charged my mom $100 per hour for filling her son's head with nonsense. If I wasn’t already a wreck, the thought of unicorns and a cake made out of the rainbow probably made me one.
Out of nowhere I see a shadow besides my bed, a sculpture, a person. God, I’m starting to hallucinate now, great.
“I love you, Frankie” I can’t believe my own ears. I know that voice, and that voice is dead. That voice is not in my bedroom.
“Whoever said that; shut the fuck up!” I place my hands over my ears to exclude every sound in the room, but I can feel her breath on me, I can smell her perfume. I close my eyes as tight as I can, thinking I’ve gone all crazy and shit. This just can’t be.
“Frankie”, I hear the voice whisper, still with my hands pressed against my ears. God, I’m totally going mental. I slowly open my eyes, and I can see the person clearly now. I’m staring right into her sparkling, green eyes, and her pale skin lights up the room like moonlight. Her pink lips are curved in an insecure smile. It can’t be her. She’s dead! It must be a dream. I had tons of these dreams a couple of years after she died, and it must be some sort of a fallback. She’s not real, she’s just in my head.
“Helena… You’re not real. Leave me alone”
“What do you mean I’m not real? I’m right here. With you” Her voice is so tender, so calm and I feel the urge to throw my arms around her and give her a big hug.
“God knows I wish you were here, but you’re just in my head”
“Frankie…” And with those words I swear I can feel her hand stroking my hair.
“Please, leave”
“I can’t. You need me”
“I don’t need you, Helena. I’m over you. You have to go!”
“You don’t love me anymore?”
“Of course I do!” What am I doing? Why am I talking to her? She’s not even real for Christ’s sake! “Helena… I love you, I always will. But this isn’t real. You’re not real. We can’t be together; we’re literally in two different places. Leave and let be, please”
“I love you, Frankie”
I walk towards my bedroom, aiming for the bed. I’m so exhausted by the swirling thoughts you can’t even imagine. I close my eyes trying to picture unicorns on a sunny day, like my therapist told me to all those years ago. But what difference does it make? Why should I shut out reality with something so unreal? Unicorns don’t even exist. Fucking therapist charged my mom $100 per hour for filling her son's head with nonsense. If I wasn’t already a wreck, the thought of unicorns and a cake made out of the rainbow probably made me one.
Out of nowhere I see a shadow besides my bed, a sculpture, a person. God, I’m starting to hallucinate now, great.
“I love you, Frankie” I can’t believe my own ears. I know that voice, and that voice is dead. That voice is not in my bedroom.
“Whoever said that; shut the fuck up!” I place my hands over my ears to exclude every sound in the room, but I can feel her breath on me, I can smell her perfume. I close my eyes as tight as I can, thinking I’ve gone all crazy and shit. This just can’t be.
“Frankie”, I hear the voice whisper, still with my hands pressed against my ears. God, I’m totally going mental. I slowly open my eyes, and I can see the person clearly now. I’m staring right into her sparkling, green eyes, and her pale skin lights up the room like moonlight. Her pink lips are curved in an insecure smile. It can’t be her. She’s dead! It must be a dream. I had tons of these dreams a couple of years after she died, and it must be some sort of a fallback. She’s not real, she’s just in my head.
“Helena… You’re not real. Leave me alone”
“What do you mean I’m not real? I’m right here. With you” Her voice is so tender, so calm and I feel the urge to throw my arms around her and give her a big hug.
“God knows I wish you were here, but you’re just in my head”
“Frankie…” And with those words I swear I can feel her hand stroking my hair.
“Please, leave”
“I can’t. You need me”
“I don’t need you, Helena. I’m over you. You have to go!”
“You don’t love me anymore?”
“Of course I do!” What am I doing? Why am I talking to her? She’s not even real for Christ’s sake! “Helena… I love you, I always will. But this isn’t real. You’re not real. We can’t be together; we’re literally in two different places. Leave and let be, please”
“I love you, Frankie”
♠ ♠ ♠
I want to thank you all for reading my fanfic, it really means a lot to me. It's still hard gathering my thoughts, the terror attack still affects me, and it probably will for a long time. 91 people got killed by the terror attack yesterday, and 4 teenagers are still missing. Knowing that the bomber/shooter was Norwegian made everything worse. Norway have never experienced anything like this. Anders Behring Breivik bombed builduings causing 7 people to die. He shot 84 teenagers and had a big smile on his face when he was arrested. What happend to Norway? What happend to our peaceful society? Norway got a taste of the World...R.I.P, your innocent souls will never be forgotten <3