This Is How I Disappear

I wake up feeling more than confused, last night is a puzzle I can’t seem to solve. I’ve had those kinds of dreams before, right after she died. And man, they were so realistic. I could feel her touch, a touch I’m still longing for. I could feel her lips collide with mine, I could feel everything. For almost three years those dreams were the only thing in my life I could call real, no matter how pathetic that might sound. I was so depressed, so lost… But one day everything changed, the dreams stopped and her face didn’t haunt me anymore. And up until yesterday I was doing fine. If I was religious I’d ask God why he sent her to me, why I have to go through the pain of remembering her all over again. I’d ask him if it was a dream or reality. I’d ask him to end my suffering once and for all.

I’m walking down the streets of Chicago with my headphones on. The Misfits always calms me down, and this morning is no exception. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to feel, I don’t know what to think. What’s life about? Love? Overrated. Sorrow? Underrated. It’s like living in a fog world; I’m just waiting for stuff to happen instead of making something out of my life. Yes, I do love to be a guitar teacher, but that’s the only firm thing in my life, the only thing I appreciate. My mom tells me to start a family, but I’m not ready. I’m totally satisfied with dating and dumping, no matter how selfish that sounds. The thing is, how can I start a family when the girl of my dreams is in a cascade? She was supposed to be the mother of my future children. She was supposed to be my wife through sickness and health, ‘til death did us apart. But God stole her away from me before we got the chance.

My thoughts get interrupted by a sudden touch. I turn around and see freckle-face in front of me. Great, that’s three fucking days in a row. She sure has knows when to pop up out of nowhere.

“What do you want?”

“Wow, stop with the hostile attitude, Frankie, it doesn’t suit you”

“Sorry, but I’m really not in the mood for small-talk, see yah!” I start walking but she eagerly grabs my arm, forcing me to stop. “What?” I’m getting slightly irritated, to be honest…

“I just want to talk. You haven’t really given me the chance to explain”

“Explain what?”

“Me being here, I guess”

“Really, Tess, Chicago is a big city; I don’t care if you’re here or not. And I’m in no need of friends, so you can stop whatever you’re trying to do”

“Please?” She looks at me with her big, green eyes, and somehow it reminds me of how Helena used to look at me with her big, green eyes. The resemblance makes my heart sting and I suddenly have a hard time breathing.

“Fine, I was just on my way to grab a cup of coffee anyway”

We walk to the nearest café and sit down, ordering two cups of coffee.

“So what’s you deal?” I say to break the ice.

“Hm?”

“You said you wanted to explain something”

“Oh, right! Well, you’ve heard of Keiley, right?” I nod my head in response. “So.. She moved to Texas after a thing with Bert, but! Now she’s in Chicago! Or, she was” God, I feel a headache coming, her babbling gets on my nerves. “Anyway, that’s why I came”

“That’s the explanation?” I laugh. “Well, then I guess we’re done here”

“We haven’t even gotten our coffee yet! Come on, Frankie”

“Fine. So you gonna tell be about the whole Bert-thing or not?” And as the words escapes my mouth her eyes widens. “What?”

“It’s just.. We don’t talk about the Bert-thing”