‹ Prequel: Give 'Em Hell, Kid
This Is How I Disappear
Sixteen
Before I can even think of a reply, she takes out a wrinkled envelope from her bag and gently puts it down in front of me, gesturing me to open it. Slightly confused I open the envelope, and find a letter addressed for Juliah and Helena, dated in January 2005.
“Dear skittle-beez. I want to start with saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye, I’m sorry I didn’t explain, and I’m sorry I haven’t contacted you until now.
I was so in love with Bert I didn’t really realise what was happening. I’m not even 15 yet, and even though I thought I was prepared for something like that… I wasn’t. It was the day after the sleepover at Helena’s, I assume you remember, because he tried to pick a fight with Gee… God, he’s so silly.
Anyway, he was really nice to me, as he always was. He carried my bag and everything. But then we decided to take the short-cut through the park, and we sat down at the bench under the big oak tree to talk. And then he said he was a boy, and he had certain needs, and at first I had no idea what he was talking about, but then he started to touch me, like, really touch me. At first I thought he was just messing around, so I just grabbed his arm and giggled, but then he pushed me down on the ground and sat on top of me, and then I realised what his ‘needs’ was. I mean, I should’ve known, and I should’ve struggled a lot mote than I did. I wasn’t a baby... But he was so strong. So angry. I cried the whole time. But I didn’t feel anything. It was like I was empty, like my soul sort of.. Disappeared. And when he was done he just ran off.. .And I called my mom… There was so much blood, and suddenly I felt an intense, excruciating pain. It was just horrible.
My mom called the school and you guys and told you I had the mono, but the truth is I couldn’t walk.. And after what seemed like the hundred time at the doctors office a couple of weeks later they found out I was pregnant. Can you imagine that? I really had to get everything, didn’t I… So we scheduled an abortion. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Everything was so surreal, so awful. It’s something you see on the TV!
I didn’t want to go back to school, and seeing all your missed calls and ‘Get well!’-texts broke my heart, so I begged my parents to move.. So we did. Dad got a job in Texas so we left. And I knew saying goodbye to you guys would kill me. Or, kill what was left of me… And I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t look you guys in the eyes and tell you the truth. Helena had enough to struggle with, and Juliah had enough trying to help her… I couldn’t burden my skittle-beez with this, I just couldn’t.
But writing you guys this letter telling you the truth is part of my treatment. It’s been 4 months but I still see his smirk whenever I close my eyes. I still have a long way to go, and in a lot of ways I wish you were here. But I should do this on my own.
I love you more than you can imagine!
Xoxo Keiley”
I put the letter back down in the envelope and see Tess crying. It feels wrong to give her a hug, so instead I reach for her hand. She looks at me with her big, green eyes, and for the first time I realise how beautiful she really is. Her red, long hair is draped over her shoulders, reaching almost down to her waist. Her eyes are framed with dark, long eyelashes, and freckles are decorating her face. Her lips are full and curved in a sad, nervous smile. She's actually... Beautiful.
I lean over the table to wipe away her tears, and she closes her eyes, leaning against my hand.
“I was head over heels in love with you, you know”
“I know, Tess, I know”
“Dear skittle-beez. I want to start with saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye, I’m sorry I didn’t explain, and I’m sorry I haven’t contacted you until now.
I was so in love with Bert I didn’t really realise what was happening. I’m not even 15 yet, and even though I thought I was prepared for something like that… I wasn’t. It was the day after the sleepover at Helena’s, I assume you remember, because he tried to pick a fight with Gee… God, he’s so silly.
Anyway, he was really nice to me, as he always was. He carried my bag and everything. But then we decided to take the short-cut through the park, and we sat down at the bench under the big oak tree to talk. And then he said he was a boy, and he had certain needs, and at first I had no idea what he was talking about, but then he started to touch me, like, really touch me. At first I thought he was just messing around, so I just grabbed his arm and giggled, but then he pushed me down on the ground and sat on top of me, and then I realised what his ‘needs’ was. I mean, I should’ve known, and I should’ve struggled a lot mote than I did. I wasn’t a baby... But he was so strong. So angry. I cried the whole time. But I didn’t feel anything. It was like I was empty, like my soul sort of.. Disappeared. And when he was done he just ran off.. .And I called my mom… There was so much blood, and suddenly I felt an intense, excruciating pain. It was just horrible.
My mom called the school and you guys and told you I had the mono, but the truth is I couldn’t walk.. And after what seemed like the hundred time at the doctors office a couple of weeks later they found out I was pregnant. Can you imagine that? I really had to get everything, didn’t I… So we scheduled an abortion. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Everything was so surreal, so awful. It’s something you see on the TV!
I didn’t want to go back to school, and seeing all your missed calls and ‘Get well!’-texts broke my heart, so I begged my parents to move.. So we did. Dad got a job in Texas so we left. And I knew saying goodbye to you guys would kill me. Or, kill what was left of me… And I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t look you guys in the eyes and tell you the truth. Helena had enough to struggle with, and Juliah had enough trying to help her… I couldn’t burden my skittle-beez with this, I just couldn’t.
But writing you guys this letter telling you the truth is part of my treatment. It’s been 4 months but I still see his smirk whenever I close my eyes. I still have a long way to go, and in a lot of ways I wish you were here. But I should do this on my own.
I love you more than you can imagine!
Xoxo Keiley”
I put the letter back down in the envelope and see Tess crying. It feels wrong to give her a hug, so instead I reach for her hand. She looks at me with her big, green eyes, and for the first time I realise how beautiful she really is. Her red, long hair is draped over her shoulders, reaching almost down to her waist. Her eyes are framed with dark, long eyelashes, and freckles are decorating her face. Her lips are full and curved in a sad, nervous smile. She's actually... Beautiful.
I lean over the table to wipe away her tears, and she closes her eyes, leaning against my hand.
“I was head over heels in love with you, you know”
“I know, Tess, I know”