This Is How I Disappear

At first I had no idea what to do with my life. I stayed in Jersey for about a year after she died, but being so close to her, yet so far away… It was too much for me to handle. Every memory I have with her happened in Jersey. I met her there, I fell in love with her there, our first kiss was there. But most of all; she died in Jersey, and driving past the graveyard everyday was unbearable. Seeing the headstone with “Helena Leonore Way” written on it killed me, and it still does. She was sixteen for Christ’s sake. She doesn’t belong in a graveyard. It’s just not right.

So I moved back to Chicago despite that I was afraid of leaving Gerard alone. I asked Juliah and Tess to keep an eye on him, and if they got suspicious they promised to call me right away. I know I have said a lot of horrible things about those girls in my past, but they’re my only hope nowadays.

I didn’t really do well by myself in Chicago the first year or so, and there were a lot of times I wished I would’ve stayed in Jersey, both for me and Gerard. But I knew that if I stayed I would never get over her death. I would’ve ended up like Gerard; miserable, depressed, numb and chained to a bottle of Vodka. But who am I fooling? I rarely leave my shitty apartment, I imagine how my life would be if Helena was still alive and I’m not even close to forgetting about her. I guess I’m just as messed up as he is. Fuck my life. It’s not worth shit without her.

I know you’re probably sick of hearing how much I miss her, how much I’m longing for her touch, but it’s how I cope. I remember the good times, even though there were only a few. That black, silky hair. Those intense, green eyes. Her tiny, fragile body. Her piercings. The tattoo she hid from Gerard. But most of all I miss her personality, she always made me laugh and she made me want to be a better person. Up until I met her, I was always rebelling against society. I didn’t give a damn about the people around me or my surroundings. But when I met her everything changed. She brought out the best in me, and I don’t care how cliché-ish that sounds. It’s true.

When I left Jersey, Gerard gave me her guitar, I didn’t even know she played. I haven’t really been touching it too much, I don’t want the smell of her perfume to disappear. But one day I thought playing guitar would be a good way to remember and honor her, so I learned the basics and thought I’d take it from there. I found a torn piece of paper in the guitar case. It wasn’t a song, but a poem. As I read it I had a hard time keeping the tears away; it was so pure and honest.

“Can you hear me
Are you near me
Can we pretend to leave and then
We'll meet again, when both our cars collide“

When I called Gerard to tell him about it, he told me she wrote it after their parents died and I could hear him trying to hide that he was crying. He was always crying, and it broke my heart to know he’ll never get over it. He’ll never be the same Gerard Way without Helena. She was a part of him, and without that part he wasn’t complete.