This Is How I Disappear

Paralyzed. It just can’t be. Jane’s basically my best friend not to mention my best student! Her smile always makes my day, she makes me feel like I actually have done something right, and her witty comments warms my heart on the coldest, darkest days. The thought of never hearing her play guitar again breaks my heart. And I didn’t even get to teach her what she calls ‘my special song’. ‘Helena’. Suddenly I feel guilt flushing over me. No, I didn’t drive the car that eventually paralyzed her, but I promised to teach her how to play ‘Helena’, and I didn’t. And now she will never be able to even hold a guitar in her hands ever again. She will never be like Hannah Montana like she wanted to or Hayley Williams like I wanted her to.

‘Frank, what’s wrong?’ I hear Tess say far when I drop my phone to the floor. ‘Talk to me, what just happened?’

‘Jane’s paralyzed’

‘Who’s Jane?’

‘Jane Miller, one of my students. My best student, my favorite! Now she can never play guitar again, because of some stupid car accident’. Saying those words out loud makes me think of Helena. Because of me Helena is dead. I was driving the car, I’m the reason she’s in a cascade and not here with me on her way to her brother’s wedding. I’m the reason Gerard started drinking, I’m the reason he wanted to kill himself. I’m the reason why he cries every night. I’m the reason his dreams are haunted by Helena’s face. I’m the reason he will never be the same.

‘Frank. I don’t know what to say, but doctors these days can find a cure for anything. I’m sure they can work their magic with Jane so she can walk again. So she can play guitar again’

‘You’re so friggin’ positive it hurts, do you know that?’

‘I can’t help that I’m a positive person. Come on, let’s go’

I pick up my phone and slowly move towards the stairs. God I wish this building had an elevator.
In the car neither of us says a word. I keep my eyes focused on the road and Tess keeps looking at her phone, nervous that we will miss our flight. She’s kind of cute when she’s all worried. Her forehead gets wrinkles and her eyes kind of widen. I giggle.

‘What?’ she says and turns around to look at me with her green, worried eyes.

‘Nothing, you’re just cute when you’re nervous’

‘Shut up’ she says and hit me, but I can see she’s smiling.

We get to the airport and I park the car before we run to the gate. Yes, we’re late.
‘You drive like an old lady, Frank’ she says when we finally get on the plane that’s going take us to good old Jersey.

‘I’m sorry, I just try to be more careful when I’m driving now because of-‘ I swallow my words.

‘Because of Helena’

‘Yeah’

‘It’s not your fault, Frankie. There was nothing you could’ve done differently that would change what happened’

‘I could’ve stopped trying to get her to eat’

‘You did what you had to do. Stop dwelling on the past. It’s been almost six years, Frankie. You have to let it go’ She takes my hand right before the captain announces we have to fasten our seatbelts, and we don’t say much to each other after that, we just sit there. Quietly, for two hours
.
‘Home sweet home’ I say as we park our car in the driveway in front of Gerard’s house.

‘God, it feels like I haven’t been here in forever!’

‘I know right. But it feels good. Nothing can compete with Jersey’

We step out of the car to see Gerard stand in the doorway with open arms.
‘Come here you two!’ he says with a big smile on his face, and I almost run over to him. I’ve missed him so much, and I didn’t really realize until now.

‘How are you, Gee?’

‘I’m fine, thanks for asking. How ‘bout you, kid? Feeling alright?’

‘Yeah, I think so’

‘What do you mean you think so? Wanna tell me about it?’

‘Ugh, it’s such a long story, and you’re getting married in three days. It can wait’

He doesn’t comment on my vague reply, he just looks at me with a brotherly, concerned look. I love that about him. He worries about me, he actually cares. It feels great to have someone like that in my life when I don’t really have anyone else to turn to. I don’t feel so… Alone.
We walk into the kitchen where Juliah and Tess is hugging and catching up with each other in normal girl style; they talk at the same time in eager, high pitched voices and can’t seem to get enough off of their chests.

‘So, what’s up with you and Tess?’ Gerard says and pulls me aside.

‘What do you mean? Nothing is going on between us?’

‘Cut the crap Frankie, she’s been in love with you since she was a teenager and I see the way you look at her. I’m not stupid, you know’

‘Actually Gee, she’s still a teenager, and I’m not looking at her in a specific way. I’m just… Looking’

‘Pffft, she’ll be 20 in a couple of months. And yes you do, so stop denying it and tell her how you feel’

‘I can’t. It’s too soon. Wouldn’t be fair’

‘Wouldn’t be fair to who? Helena? Stop making excuses Frank, Helena would want you to be happy, you’re just afraid to love again’

‘Weren’t you?’

‘Yes, I was. I was terrified. And now I’m getting married.’ He laughs. 'Weird world, eh?'

‘I’m really happy for you, Gerard. You deserve to be happy’

‘So do you, kid’

'Yeah, well, I guess time will tell' I say and walk up to Helena's room.