This Is How I Disappear

Tess’ P.O.V
I know he doesn’t mean it; it’s just something he said to make me feel less… pathetic. I’ve loved him for years, I’ve been dreaming about kissing him since he moved to Jersey six years ago, I’ve been jealous of Helena, and at some point I even wanted her dead. I know it sounds horrible considering what happened, I do, and you have no idea how much I regret the time where I prayed to God that she would get in an accident. I have actually been blaming myself for her death. I don’t believe in God, but it still feels like she died because of me, because of my selfish thoughts and prayers. I can’t even imagine what Frank would say if he knew what I did. I just know he’d hate me forever. But yet I can’t help that I want him to know the truth.

‘You know, you didn’t have to say it back’ I whisper.

‘I know, I just-‘

‘Thought it was the right thing to do?’

‘Something like that’

I know I should be hurt, but I’m not. I know he doesn’t love me; he’s still in love with Helena, and I don’t know if he’ll ever be capable of loving someone else. She was the love of his life, she was the one. She was supposed to be the mother of his children, his wife, his soulmate, the one he was supposed to grow old with, and all that got ripped away from him in the matter of seconds. I’ve been hoping and praying he will find a way to move on and forget about her, but with time I’ve come to realize it’s a long road, and it might never end.

‘What are you thinking about?’ he ask, staring at me with his gorgeous, hazel eyes.

‘Oh, it’s nothing’

‘It’s clearly something, I can read you like an open book, you know‘

‘Well… Do you promise not to hate me?’

‘I could never hate you’ Oh believe me Frankie, you will after I tell you what’s on my mind.

‘Well, you know how I was totally crushing on you all those years ago?’

He laughs. ‘Yeah, why?’

‘I was just so jealous of Helena. And I couldn’t help myself. Like, I didn’t mean it. I just thought then you’d come running to me. And then ever since she died I’ve felt so bad, and I couldn’t really tell anyone what I did, and I-‘

‘Tess, breathe. Just tell me. Straight forward, you don’t have to explain or give me the whole story’

I take a deep breath and look him straight in the eyes. ‘I wanted Helena dead’

He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t even blink. Great Tess, you ruined everything. God, I should really learn when to keep my mouth shut. I just keep hurting people, telling them stuff they don’t want to hear. I try to take his hand, but he pulls away from me, just seconds later he’s standing on the floor, just staring at me with empty eyes. I do my best to hold the tears that are pushing against my eyeballs back, I don’t get to cry now, I’m not the one hurting, he is.

‘Frank-‘

‘Do us both a favor and shut up, Tess’ With those words I can feel tears start streaming down my face without me being able to control it.

‘I just wanted you to know’ I stutter.

‘I’d rather you didn’t tell me’

‘Please Frankie, it’s a long time ago, and you should know I feel terrible, I’ve been blaming myself for what happened for years now’

‘And again you manage to make this about you. You’re hurting? What about me? You don’t care about anyone else’s happiness, you’re too stuck up to care about anyone but yourself, aren’t you?’

I shake my head. ‘No, if you would just hear me out, I’m serious, I can explain’

‘Save it, Tess’ He say before he walk out of the room and slam the door behind him. Great, this is just perfect.