This Is How I Disappear

After a few hours we went home with a new bed (yes, we actually carried it) and set it up in the living room. We were exhausted after carrying that fucking bed all the way home, so we decided to order some Chinese food instead of cooking.

“About what you said earlier…” Gerard said while we were waiting for the doorbell to ring.

“What?”

“About me being an alcoholic… It’s true, and I know it I have to change, but I’ve been hiding behind the alcohol for so long, and it’s hard to imagine how my life would be without it”

“I know, Gerard. But if you don’t stop drinking you’re going to end up in a graveyard too” Okay, I know it was a little harsh and inappropriate considering Helena’s death and all, but I don’t think he knew how serious his condition was.

“I know, but I don’t want to go to rehab, just the thought of it scares the crap out of me”

“Well, you haven’t been drinking since you got to Chicago, and that’s a start, right?”

“I guess”

“Exactly, so let’s just take one day at the time, okay 'sugar'?” I smirked at him.

“Fuck you”

“Sorry, I just had to. I’ve always thought it was so adorable the way you called Helena ‘sugar’”

“Okay, well, just don’t do it again” He laughed. I hadn’t heard him laugh in ages, so I couldn’t do anything but laugh too.

After a while I heard the doorbell ring and rushed over to answer it; I was starving.

“How much?”

“$36”

“Here you go, my friend, keep the change”

After we were done eating and I went to get us some coffee, Gerard came up to me.
“Do you think we’ll ever cope?”

“I don’t know”

“Yeah… It seems so impossible, you know? A life without Helena”

And I knew exactly what he meant. Living without her is hard, and it always will be. I know I’ve said it a hundred times before, but the thought of never being able to see her again breaks my heart. I still love her, and even though she never said it out loud, I know she loved me too.