This Is How I Disappear

When I walked in the door to my apartment I saw Gerard on the couch. I had no idea if he was sleeping or if he’d passed out; the empty Vodka bottle on the table was all that caught my eye. I knew something like this would happen, I knew it. I went over to him and slapped him a couple of times before he came to his senses.

“What the fuck have you done, Gerard?” I was so angry you can’t even imagine.

“To tell you the truth; I don’t really know”

“Seriously, I thought you were doing better, what happened?”

“Juliah called me”

“So? She didn’t send you a bottle of Vodka demanding you to drink it!”

“No, but she was Helena’s best friend. And she was crying and talking about how much she misses her. And then everything came back. The feeling of being alone, the feeling of being a failure”

“So you just decided to ruin everything?”

“I guess” He was still drunk.

I didn’t even bother to yell at him, he wouldn’t listen anyway. I tried to convince him to go to rehab, but he refused. I was helpless, I had no idea what to do with him, it was like raising a teenager; whatever I told him to do, he decided to do the complete opposite. I was about to take a shower when I heard my phone ring.

“Tess?” Why the hell was she calling me?

“Hey, Frank”

“Uh, what’s up?”

“Just calling to check on you. I haven’t talked to you for a while, so”

“Well, I’m doing fine. No need to worry about me”

“Oh, I know. But I felt like I had to. Juliah told me Gerard sounded kind of depressed when she called, and I just wanted to know how you two are doing”

“As I said; I’m fine”

“And Gerard?”

“What do you think?” I said with a grumpy voice.

“That bad, huh?”

“Yes, I have no idea what to do anymore. He won’t listen”

“Maybe he should try rehab”

“He won’t, he said he’s rather commit suicide than go to rehab”

“Oh…”

“But I was actually about to take a shower, so… Take care, Tess” I said before I hung up. Why was she being so friggin’ nice? She hated me, and I hated her. Small talk wasn’t really our thing. Ugh. In my eyes she’s always been an obnoxious brat, and I will probably always think of her like a stuck up bitch.

I undressed and took a shower like I’d planned, feeling the hot water on my body always made me relax and think straight. It’s like all my worries and problems get washed away.

After I stepped out of the shower I stared at myself in the mirror. I’d taken out all my piercings except the lip ring, and my hair was getting kind of long. My tattoos were fading. I was fading. It’s like I’m about to just… disappear. I’d let the grief decide how I was living my life, I was just a puppet being bullied around. I knew I had to change, I needed to take control over my actions, my life. I decided to start with my appearance. I found a scissor and cut off almost all my hair, and I was very pleased with the result. I took out my lip ring, which actually made me feel kind of naked, but I knew it had to be done. I had to get rid of everything that reminded me of Helena. At least for a little while. Until I got my life back on track.