Smiling In Everything

As I drove home, I almost felt hungover from how much I was crying.

My head throbbed as the tears continued to rush down my face, dripping on to my shaking hands that gripped the steering wheel a little too hard. I could hear my phone buzzing on the seat beside me, but I already knew who it was, so I chose to ignore it.

When I pulled up in front of the house, I saw Jack was still waiting for me. I felt my heart sink in guilt. How can I face him after what happened this morning?

I push myself out of my car, suddenly feeling hot and constricted.

I lean against the driver's side, my head falling into my hands lazily. The tears were finally done, but I could feel them pricking behind my eyes once again. I hastily wipe at the water coating my face, leaving dark stains on my jacket. I close my eyes against the cold, holding in the sobs that wracked against my throat.

I could still feel the kiss on my lips.

My fingers press against my mouth gently, savoring the imprint on my flesh. I could still feel the small dent on my bottom lip from where Alex had bit it softly.

A shiver runs down my spine, and I smack back into reality, forcing myself to push the kiss with Alex to the back of my mind. I force my feet to move forward, up my driveway and to the front of the house. I walk in, almost tripping over Jack's shoes.

"Sadie?" he calls out, his voice relieved.

I once again wipe at my face, trying to make it look like I hadn't been crying.

"In here," I answer lamely, wincing at the sound of my strained voice. I clear my throat a couple of times, trying to get it back to it's normal pitch. I felt better as Jack appeared in my line of sight, but my headache was still in the back of my brain.

"Baby, are you okay?" he asks, his hand coming up to touch the twinkle of a tear on my cheek. "You look like you've been crying." His face creased in worry.

My chest sunk even more. "I just stubbed my toe. It hurt."

He gives a small chuckle, wrapping his arms around me. It felt nice to be in the familiar, comfortable embrace of my boyfriend. I let myself curl against his chest, slipping my eyes shut. The crying made me feel exhausted. I felt the faint feeling of Jack's lips pecking my head, and I wanted to cry out in guilt.

"What did you do while I was gone?" I was trying to not only get off the subject of my tears, but also trying to distract myself from the mishap with Alex. It was burned in my mind.

He shrugs, moving some hair out of my face. "Sat around. Went to bed early."

I nod, biting my bottom lip. Even talking about mundane activities made Alex's face pop in front of my vision. Fuck.

"Speaking of sleep," I murmur, "I'm gonna go take a nap. I'm exhausted."

Jack nods, pecking my forehead. "That's fine. But be up by eight tonight. We're going out with the rest of the wedding party to Mo's Bar and Grill. We're having a little get together, telling stories about Rein and Alex and what-not."

I scrunch my eyebrows. "Rein didn't tell me that."

"She meant to, but apparently she and Alex had a fight, so it slipped her mind." He shakes his head. "I hope they're okay. I don't wanna anyone splitting up."

My stomach churns and I kiss him lightly to distract myself. "Off to bed."

He grins. "Okay babe. I'll be up to wake you when we're leaving, okay?" I nod and he kisses me again before allowing me to go to the stairs. The whole time I walked up to our bedroom, my empty stomach flip-flopped. I had to rush to the bathroom once on the second level, dry heaving over the toilet.

Once I was finished gasping, I sit back against the wall, my eyes slipping closed.

How could I have let this happen? I was so careful for so long and now it's like there was a large crack breaking the facade I had kept up. And Alex seems to have noticed that crack.

I can't let it go any further, correct? I would not only be ruining my relationship with Jack, which is just perfect right now, but I would also be ruining Alex's relationship with Rein, which is just fucking dandy according to everyone.

But then why would they be fighting?

I shake my head, feeling sick to my stomach again. I can't ponder on things I have no business mingling in.

I have to stop. I have to get Alex out of my head.

Alex—

I felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest. Literally; a giant, gaping cavity that couldn't be filled by anyone or anything. It grew immensely as I watched Sadie drive off from my house, the tears running down her face stinging me in the heart.

Why can't I stop thinking about her? She's been like a disease since the engagement party; always with me, always on my mind.

She's almost like a drug. Like heroine.

The empty TV set stared back at me as I come back to reality, the clock chiming as it turned to noon. It's been a few hours since Sadie ran off, and Rein still isn't home. This last thought usually would upset me, but now, it was almost a relief. All the talk of the wedding was weighing me down and I just wanted to relax.

Which is the reason for why I got drunk in the first place.

My eyes wander to my bedside table. There sat my usual lamp, the remote, and a couple of stray receipts, and my glasses. And then I noticed that tucked under a strewn shirt, the corner of a red piece of stark paper stuck out—

My notebook.

I could feel my eyes widen hungrily as I tug it out, the shirt dropping to the floor.

I then realize the shirt was my Ramones t-shirt—the shirt Sadie had worn when she was over here. I pick it up and pull it over my bare torso without a second thought. It still smelled like her vanilla perfume.

I hastily prop my notebook open to a clean page, breathing the scent of new paper in. My ballpoint pen was in hand, my brain on overdrive as it stormed for ideas.

And before I could register anything, my hand began to write.

It just wrote and wrote and wrote. It flew across the paper, filling in different lines of the notebook paper, inch by inch and word by word. Some of the phrases made no sense, others were perfect and beautiful and inspired me even more. My fingers felt as light as air as I continued tracing letters across the white canvas, endless possibilities filling my mind. It's like I couldn't stop, like an addiction to this idea in my head. And then I began writing words that stuck in my brain like glue. I wouldn't know—

"Alex?"

My head snaps up, my thought process shutting off like someone had switched off a light. I was left in the dark, scrambling to find that piece of magic I just had. I suddenly felt an uncontrollable anger toward Rein, standing in the doorway, interrupting me from my musings.

"What?" I ask, attempting to keep the irritability from my voice. I was unsuccessful.

She swallows. "I'm sorry I wasn't home sooner. I just...me and Jamie got to talking and she gave me some really good advice, and I think you should hear it—"

"What is this advice?"

The gulp in her throat was obvious. My face softens a bit as I drink in her frightened expression. "She was telling me how she thinks all this planning is probably scaring you," Rein speaks, her voice gentle. "And that maybe it's overwhelming. That's why we fought."

I hesitate, but nod. "Yes, it is a bit overwhelming." But that was only part of the reason as to why we fought. "But also—"

"So it isn't because you don't wanna marry me anymore?"

The answer I never thought I would give slipped onto the edge of my tongue. I bite the muscle before I could speak. Was I just about to answer yes to that question? I must be sleep-deprived.

"Of course not," I answer softly. "I'm just stressed."

She nods, biting her bottom lip. Then her eyes drag down, passing over the shirt Sadie had slept in, to the notebook in my lap. Her eyes brighten a bit. "Did you get inspiration from something?" She looked hopeful, almost like a child who had just received a new piece of candy. I swallow.

"Yeah, but it's kind of jumbled. I was half-awake when I wrote all of this. I'm just trying to make sense of it." The lie felt sour in my mouth as I shut the notebook, tossing it back onto the side table.

Rein walks over to the bed, sitting down across from me.

The exact same spot Sadie was sitting in this morning when I kissed her.

A shiver passes over my spine, which my fiancee took as an invitation to lean into me, her arms wrapping around my neck. I pause for a beat before hugging her back, my arms moving around her waist.

It felt foreign and weird. Why does it feel like that with my soon-to-be wife?

"I'll take it slower, okay?" she mumbles, her lips finding my neck. I tried not to wince. "The wedding doesn't have to be planned so fast, I guess." She lets out a small chuckle, her jaw vibrating against my throat. "I'll tell Sadie to take a break. Let's just enjoy the party tonight, yeah?"

I refrain myself from groaning. The party tonight at the bar. The bar I got drunk at last night. And she will be there. With her boyfriend Jack.

I mentally slap myself in the face.

I have to stop. I have to get Sadie out of my head.