Smiling In Everything

Sadie—

I felt too uncomfortable.

Standing here like everything was fucking dandy in a black dress and heels, acting as if nothing was wrong and that I wasn't aware of the fact that Alex's eyes were on me as they played their new single on stage.

It's not like he was full-on staring at me, but his chocolate eyes would gaze over at me every once in awhile and it jabbed me in the heart each time.

I break away from his eyes and look over at Jack.

He was grinning over at me, sending me a quick wink before he was jumping across the stage again, hammering away at his instrument with all of his might. His energy was so contagious; pumping away from him and into the swell of a crowd that was behind the barricade. I suddenly felt a bit light-headed, removing the heels from my feet, shrinking down a good three inches.

"Hey!" I hear a voice say from behind me. I turn around, forcing myself to break out into a grin, hugging the girl standing there. "Sadie, I've been meaning to call. We need to set up a date so we can get the dresses fitted."

"Oh, you picked them?" I ask Rein, taking a sip of my cocktail.

She grins happily, her head nodding, her multi-colored curls bouncing against her elegant shoulders. "They look beautiful. Jamie's not very happy, but I'm trying to ignore that. I really love those dresses and I can't wait to see you walking down the aisle next to Jack in it! You guys will look so cute."

A small dagger pierced my chest at that, but I smile all the same. "And you'll look gorgeous in your wedding dress." As always. "I just know it."

Rein blushes a light pink just as the song ends.

I look back at the stage, the boys of All Time Low all exiting the stage save for Alex. He stayed in front of his mic, removing his electric guitar and swapping it for an acoustic with Danny. Watching him reminded me of our phone conversation a couple mornings ago, and the alley at the bar, and in his bedroom that morning after he got drunk. I had to take a deep breath to make sure I didn't fall over, bringing my alcohol back to lips to take a swig.

"Hey guys!" Alex grins, his breathing labored and his forehead glistening with perspiration. Oh God, he looks mighty fine. "Are you still with me out there?" Cheers and hollers met his question as he strums his strings lightly.

"Boo!" someone hisses in my ear.

I jump as Jack chuckles, his arm wrapping around my shoulders. He was sweaty from the show, so I wrinkle my nose. "Why are you out here? Don't you need to wait backstage until you need to go back on?" He just shrugs and pecks the side of my head. Weirdly, his lips didn't send electric shocks down my spine like they usually did.

"So, I wanna play you guys a new song," Alex continues, his grin bright, and for the first time all night, actually looked one hundred percent genuine.

More screams from the audience.

"It may be kind of rough, I just finished the last details a couple days ago," he chortles, his calloused fingers playing with the pic he held in his hand. "But I hope you guys like it." He backs away from the mic as he starts the beginning of the song.

We all waited patiently for him to begin, my heart pounding for unknown reasons.

His mouth find the mic again, his eyes slipping closed as he utters the first words of the song. And my God, were they beautiful; they chilled me deep in my bones.

I wish you could see your face right now,
'cause you're grinning like a fool.

I swallow as cheers erupt. On instinct I huddle closer to Jack's side, his arm tightening around my shoulders in response. A swallow gets stuck in my throat as cheers erupt for the crowd, approving the new song.

And we're sitting on your kitchen floor,
on a Tuesday afternoon.

My heart dropped to the pits of hell. My eyes widen and my breath catches in my lungs, cutting off my air stream. I try to bring my breathing back to normal, not wanting Jack to suspect anything. His fingers were tracing light shapes along the skin of my upper arm, but it didn't soothe me like it should.

Doesn't matter when we get back,
to doing what we do.
'Cause right now could last forever,
just as long as I'm with you.

My stomach curled in itself as Alex's eyes open, his silky voice still ringing in my ears as we make eye contact. His hand flitted over the strings of the guitar easily.

You're just a daydream away,
I wouldn't know what to say if I had you.
And I'll keep you a daydream away,
just watch from a safe place so I never have to lose.

His last sentence rang in my head, the words floating in front of my vision as his eyes scan me once again. So I never have to lose. He's said before that he doesn't want to lose me. The reality was painfully obvious and I squeeze my eyes shut.

Alex wrote this song about me.

We would go out on the weekends,
to escape our busy lives.

The image of me and him sitting on my kitchen floor after our food fight flits away as the image of us in the bar appears, us later going to the zoo where I almost fell off the elephant. He's written a story about our time together this past month. This past month that has been absolute hell for me; and he's laid it out for everyone to see.

And we'd laugh at all the douche-bag guys,
chasing down their desperate wives.

I remember that woman who came in to discover her husband was cheating on her at the bar, and the way Alex and I had laughed, joking that we would defend each other in that kind of situation.

I wanted to curl into the fetal position as Jack leans over to press his lips to my cheek softly.

I would drink a little too much,
you would offer me a ride.
And I would offer you a t-shirt,
so you would stay another night.

I let my eyes slip close as tears well, the memory of a drunk Alex stumbling into my car, and then stumbling onto his bed. And the way he had asked me to stay with him...and I wanted to gasp and heave remembering him giving me a t-shirt to wear; his Ramones t-shirt. The t-shirt he then wore at the engagement party.

And the t-shirt he's wearing up onstage right now. The t-shirt he's singing this song in.

But you're just a daydream away,
I wouldn't know what to say if I had you.
And I'll keep you a daydream away,
just watch from a safe place so I never have to lose.

That last part sent a pang through my heart again. I felt a tear fall, so I hastily wipe at it.

Alex moves back from the mic for a moment, his orbs connecting with mine, sending electric shocks down my spine. Just one look, from across the room, set my body on fire. He sends me a small smile as he goes back to the mic, keeping our gazes locked.

We never stood a chance out there,
shooting love in real time.
So we'll take it over ice tonight,
with a little salt and a little lime.

I had to cough when air stuck against the back of my throat. That was the ingredients I asked in my vodka at the bar at his engagement party. He remembered something like that?

The instrumentals built up, tension building in the room as Alex pounded at his guitar with enthusiasm. The way he was getting lost in this song...and it was a song, evidently, that he wrote about me...

He went up an octave for the last verse, my heart bursting inside my chest.

Alex eventually came to an end in the song, his face directed at mine, his dark brown eyes looking even darker, piercing me in the heat of the room.

You're just a daydream away,
I wouldn't know what to say if I had you.

As he pushed away from the mic the audience bursts into applause, even Jack hollering and hooting. He whispers something in my ear before disappearing after kissing my forehead, but I didn't hear what he said or why he left. I was standing, immobile, in the middle of the venue, my insides churning and my body throbbing with an unknown feeling.

"Hey," I hear Rein say, her voice concerned, "are you okay? You look really...hot?"

"Wha-?" I ask, my throat closing up on me.

She puts her cool hand against my forehead, her frown deepening. "Maybe you should go outside. Get some fresh air. You look like you caught something."

I nod mutely, moving away from her. I dropped my heels somewhere along the way to the door to outside, but I barely acknowledged it. I was shoving the door open with more force then necessary, the cool night air hitting my sweaty skin like a bucket of ice water being dumped over my head. And then I was crouching down before I could stop myself, my mouth opening as I upchuck everything in my stomach. My throat burned once I was done, my stomach still moving like a roller coaster.

I move a little bit away from the mess I made, leaning back against the ugly wall of the venue. I was breathing heavily, my curled hair sticking to the perspiration on my face, little tendrils tickling my cheeks as I inhaled and exhaled.

I felt like puking again, but I refrain from doing so.

I don't know how long I sat out there, watching as cars passed by, watching the stars twinkle and the moon shine bright. But eventually the back door opened, footsteps being heard.

"Sadie?"

I expected Jack, or even Alex, but was met with the sight of Zack.

"Zack," I cry, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face, hitting every inch of my bare skin, rolling into my mouth, and covering my dress in dark little circles. My voice went hoarse as he comes over and sits beside me, gathering me in his arms like I was a little kid he was comforting. I welcomed it.

"What's wrong?" he asks as he shushes me, his hands smoothing over my hair as I stain his shirt with my tears. "Why are you crying?"

"Ev-everything is so m-m-messed up," I stumble out, my voice faded.

Zack was quiet for a moment, just soothing me until my cries were quiet, almost silent. Then I hear him say: "Is that about the song Alex wrote for you?" I sniffle, pulling away from his chest so I could look at his face.

"You know it's about me?" I ask, my throat scratchy.

He nods, moving the sweaty hair away from my patchy face. "We all do. Well, except for Jack. He's about as oblivious as a brick."

I wanted to laugh at his joke, I really did, but the mention of my boyfriend's name just reminded me of how I cheated on him. Twice. I felt my heart drop even lower, away from the pits of hell and into the pits of the hills of shit. I wanted to cry harder, but I seemed to have run out of tears.

"He kept looking at me as he sang it," I mutter. "He knows I know it's about me."

Zack nods, hugging me into him again. "Things will get better. I promise."

I pull away from him again, getting to my feet. I just remembered I'd left my heels inside. "How do you know that?" I cry, my tears flowing again. I guess I wasn't done crying. "How could you possibly know that?! Nothing's gonna get better! I've fucking cheated on my boyfriend twice in the past week, and you don't understand how much that's taken a toll on me! He's the best guy in the world, so why isn't he good enough?! Huh, Zack, why?!"

The boy in front of me stayed mute for a moment, then shrugs. "I don't know, Sadie. You shouldn't be asking me." He gets to his feet as well, brushing his hands off. "You should be asking yourself that."

Then he walks back inside the venue, the door shutting with a resounding thump.